Can't take the pressure of being the breadwinner

This isn’t how it works when we’re discussing women with higher earning partners. Why is it different because the partner is a man in this situation?

For clarity, I had read and understood the post. I hadn’t understood why you thought a lower earning partner owed unpaid labour and mental load to the higher earner.

And definitely ditch the pumping! I did extended BFing (more than 3 years). Your supply is very well established now and will be there for the amount of BFing you're doing. At that age I was only doing 2 BFs each day and none at night. That dropped to once a day by about 18mo. We did alternate bedtimes and supply was fine to flex around whether I was doing bedtime or DH was with a bottle.

Slowly drop the pumping to avoid engorgement or leaking and that will take some of the pressure off your time.

Because she has a more stressful demanding job and earns 75% of the income, it's right there in her post..

You are me 18 years ago, except my husband stopped work to be SAHP which helped as I would do laundry, but he did all other household chores. I was also on antidepressants to make sure the wheels didn’t come off.
we took turns at night/early mornings.

I did enjoy my job though..

I also did extended bf.. your supply is well established now, plus the little one is not reliant on you for sustenance at this stage. They can eat meals/drink cow's milk/yoghurt etc. The breastfeeding gives many other benefits but don't run yourself ragged trying to pump on top of everything else to maintain a supply level, only do it if you need to for you because you are engorged or similar

Re-frame what you said about the dc needing you at night etc. They need SOMEONE at night etc.
If you were to have an accident and end up in hospital for a couple of weeks he would HAVE TO pull his weight on all domestic fronts.

Sounds like you need a couple of nights away somewherevery relaxing.

Meanwhile your husband will learn how to get the children to sleep without you and it will force him to be the one to get up in the night. If you're not there I suspect he will, miraculously, find that he is able to do it.

Then when you get back he needs to do bedtimes - at least some nights - so you get time in the evening to yourself

I completely understand the pressure you're feeling. I remember feeling like I'd done a day's work before I even dropped off my child at school.

It's easy for your husband to operate under the radar and, to be fair to him, probably doesn't actually realise the acute crisis that is gaining momentum here. Of course you need time out, you're approaching burnout and absolutely deserve better.

I think communication is the issue here - both in terms of having a serious talk with your husband, telling him exactly how you feel. Also you definitely need some uninterrupted time for yourself and would suggest counselling to explore all the issues that are affecting you. Maybe that will give you some clarity as to the way forward.

I have a daughter your age, also with two children - she's on maternity leave at the moment, but is realising she can't do her demanding corporate job and is looking for something less demanding WFH. It's so depressing to me that we're a generation further on from me, and nothing has changed - become a mother and pay the ultimate price of no time to yourself, stress and guilt. It shouldn't be this way.

You don't mention your Mum? If she's still around and you have a good relationship with her, maybe talk to her? You will get an extra perspective from another woman's point of view. Maybe she can help you find solutions, or maybe even a bit of practical help too, if she lives near to you?

You say you hate your job, as others have suggested that needs exploration with a job coach. Think about whether you actually want to be doing it for the next twenty plus years just for the money. You deserve professional fulfilment too - maybe a different company with a better work culture? You are not trapped, you just feel you are - re-frame your work life to suit you better for the long term.

Your husband sounds a good man, albeit one with his head in the sand. Talk to him, make him see how serious this is for your mental health and stress you absolutely can't go on without more support. Bless you, find a way through for yourself and ultimately for the well-being of all of you.

Oh and men like your husband who genuinely don't care for their wives are the very first to go for your pension after years of doing the least they can get away.
Taking 50% of everything you earned whilst they lived a cushy life.

He doesn't want to hear about how hard you find it.
He actually cares little for your children too.
He doesn't care if their mother's health is long term impacted, he cares only for himself.

You are young now but the stress levels you are enduring puts you on the path for sniper alley.

Sniper alley is when women hit their 40's and 50's and their years of stress becomes a huge factor in the breakdown of their health with various life changing, often life ending illnesses.

Please don't sacrifice yourself for such a selfish man.
You deserve so much better.
Protect your health while you can.

Oh and whether you want to believe it or not, his refusal to be involved with any wakings or mornings is full on emotional abuse.

You have picked a truly bad man to have children with, make no mistake about that.

I would be devastated if you were my daughter, to know you were with such a waster.

Having read all your updates I’ve lost all sympathy for you. You make excuse after excuse for him. He can’t get up in the morning? Bullshit. I’d never tolerate that.

Your DH is a much happier person than you and you’re surprised?! What stress does he carry? He’s literally coasting along while you carry the load for the entire family. With a baby under 1? Shocking. How do you have any respect for this man?

This.

It's better for him to be a useless mope than for you to run yourself into the ground.

He's just going to have to cope with being a bit tired.

I would divide the bed times 50:50 and the night wakings and morning wake ups.

If he doesn't wake up on his night/morning, I would shake him awake and then lie back down. You'll still have interrupted sleep, but better than having to actually get up every night.

I can't believe he's just bumbling happily along and not caring about how ridiculously unfair the set up is. He needs a kick up the arse!

I'm sure on some level you know this, but your DH being a useless mope when tired is his choice. He sounds useless in every aspect - basically does the bits of adulting/parenting he want to and calls it a fair contribution. Happy to watch you grind yourself into dust for an easy life for him.

I'm not corporate or anywhere near what your seniority may be but I get you OP. I have become bitter and resentful and now realise that I've married a dud because he's the same as your husband. We'll be divorcing by the end of the year because I'm massively overwhelmed at being responsible for most things. He can't even cope with meeting the children's needs and regularly goes for lie downs and breaks while I hold the fort. Get some coaching or therapy and start planning ahead. Your health should be your number one priority- don't be me- I'm depressed, have gained so much weight and am losing hair. No one cares so it's time I started to care for myself. I deserve it.

This!!! Don’t wait for your DH to notice or ask if you need help, that’s clearly never going to happen. Sit him down, lay it out, get him involved in the solution.

Actually @Canttakethepressureanymore havong read the full thread I think he’s clearly fucking useless and I’d be laying down the law that he needs to step up or I’d be quitting the marriage. Do you find him attractive? He sounds like he’s absolutely coasting and doesn’t care about you really. You say he’s never bought you a gift? He does nothing to look after you? When Men don’t do these things its because, simply - they don’t want to. Is that good enough for you? Of course it isn’t. Find your inner strength, see your GP, get signed off sick and make some new rules.

Id also be seeing how things look financially if you were a unit without him. You might find you’re better off!!!! In every way. Good luck x

I don’t know why you think it’s ’unreasonable’ for him to take his turn???? He’s using you really and im surprised you don’t say that. Paying the bills is also his responsibility? I wonder how how your money is split month to month and what budget looks like. I’d be talking to work saying I can’t cope, and if they wouldn’t make changes, I’d plan to leave and go elsewhere and say to DH that from XX date the new household budget will look like this and show him a spreadsheet and say he has to pay in XX amount.
Id go as far as to say you are being taken advantage of actually and that in your shoes I’d expect him to be doing a lot round the house and a 50/60% of childcare so you have the same free time as him at the least.

Sounds like he's taking the easy route because you're brining the cash in. Tell him to work harder because it's hard work for you.

Sounds like you're not having it all op, but doing it all

Bear in mind that he is fine watching you do everything.

He allows you to bear the brunt, and does nothing to change that.

He's coasting along, whilst you struggle.

And he's fine with that.

He's not blind. He realises that you do everything, and are exhausted.

But it's not in his interests to change a situation that benefits him. Even though, as your husband, it should really be.

She’s at risk of burning herself out due to her husband’s selfishness and lack of care for her.

So I don’t think this is something to applaud given the context and what it’s doing to her - she needs to have a clear conversation with her partner and get him to step up
and she needs to scale back so she’s not turned into a stressed out zombie. That is real strength as opposed to working yourself into the ground

Tbh OP it doesn't sound like he loves you or like you that much. He sure as hell doesn't respect you. But he loves that you're the ticket to his lifestyle choices.

You need to get tough. He bucks his ideas up and he quits thinking your role is to facilitate his cushy number. In a senior position at work you must have the skills to be tough, use them on him.

And start doing things for yourself, rediscover the real you. Given what you've written you won't find that easy to start with but with practice you'll be able to create an identity away from worker and wife. And that in turn will make it easier to assert yourself.

You need to come to terms with the idea that your current arrangements need a reset. You can't keep on as they are. And your husband needs to hear that loud and clear.

Totally relate. My DC are a bit older - it absolutely gets easier. These are the things that helped me-
— going out once a week to see friends. Even if it’s a drink between 8-9. Or whatever or is you like to do.

acceptance - Your options are leave or accept. If you love him still then you have children and a husband you love. Pretty good going!

reframe - I bet he wishes he earned more and that he was the breadwinner . He’s probably slightly jealous of you. You are amazing!!! Be proud!

it does sound like most of the issue is that your DC are so small and dependent on you. It’s really tough. Really do try to go out once a week. I’f they struggle without you then so be it. It’s only a few hours .

Apologies if already mentioned as not RTFT. Have read all OP posts.

OP I saw you are bf and pumping, I had a very similar situation a few years ago, the mumsnet consensus was that the issues weren’t who did what during the day, it was that I was doing every single night waking while DH slept.

a few things that helped:
The couple of nights away in the hotel
really helped (learn from my mistake and remember the breast pump!)

switching sides of the bed, so co-sleeper cot was next to DH

doing an accurate food diary for DC, for me turns out DC had reversed cycled and was barely eating, so I was sustaining an 18 month old through bf, HV suggested this as DC had weaned from milk during the day but didn’t seem to eat much.

In all fairness I did and do have a supportive DH - we were both struggling though.

the other thing that helped was reading the love languages book and understanding how we expressed our appreciation of each other.

also have you tried tacking time on to your commute to
spend time sitting in the car doing nothing or I quite often sit and have quiet cup of tea in the office before / after work to get some me time!

If it helps things have got better for me!

@Canttakethepressureanymore our money goes in a joint pot too but that's the point.

DP knows now I'm on maternity the only way the pot will go from scrapping by to having fun is by him putting in the work. So he does. He doesn't want me and the kids to go without and only have the basics. So he picks up overtime then he feels a sense of accomplishment come payday when the whole family is going on a day out. Knowing that's thanks to those hours. It isn't about the money itself, it's about the sense of responsibility he feels in providing.

How your DP sees the money sat in the pot that his WIFE provided whilst also running herself into the ground taking care of the kids and doing night wakings is beyond me.

Does he not want more for his family? For his wife?

Does he not feel any sense of responsibility for your wellbeing?

I bet you'd feel very concerned and worried if your DP was busting his gut in a job he openly loathed whilst waking up through the night to care for your kids, paying most the bills and nearing a breakdown. You'd probably feel so concerned you'd do something.. like I don't know.. make more money? Wake up for the kids?

I'm guessing you wouldn't shrug your shoulders and continue scrolling on your phone as it's not your problem he's struggling.

I literally have no idea how these men come to be or how they lack such basic self respect and pride. It's bizarre it really is. But it's not my definition of a man and certainly not a life partner.

You deserve to be vulnerable. You deserve to be able to be passive. But you won't get it with this man.

This man will leave you in the desert without water.

Just saw this too, does your DH help with bedtime? My 4yo used to insist on me for bedtime and my youngest would scream the house down for me, so we started out with DH in the room, then progressed to taking turns for stories, it took a while but now either of us can do bedtime, I also have 1 day per week where I make sure I'm in the office late and not in the house for bedtime. That way everyone has to cope. Again, it took a while but was worth the pain. I felt ill a few days ago so DH did bedtime while I had a lie down. All was fine, 6 months ago it would have been unthinkable. I think I'm trying to say it's not necessarily your job that's the only problem, you just need to carve out some head space for yourself however you can.

I have felt like this when my DS was young, I was running an organization and was absolutely exhausted. I think a lot of people feel like you. I was a SP too - changed jobs after a few years but basically did senior jobs for 15 years before deciding I want something different and have now managed to take time off to retrain. At the very least don’t go for promotion - will make it worse surely? Can you cut your hours or make any changes to alleviate stress. Sabátical? Parental leave (that is a right until you children are 16). You need breathing space to work out how to enjoy your life more, maybe that means changing your lifestyle. My only regret is I didn’t make changes earlier. I felt trapped but I wasn’t really..,