I don't want to be a carer

Are your parents still around? Did they make plans, state intentions, wishes etc?

Parents I've known with similar children have made plans etc to help spare their other children from long term carer situations.

I'd also write that there are care homes and there are care homes. They differ and just because some seem to be dire doesn't mean that all are.

My 93 yo mum has recently gone into care. My B and I felt a bit of failures that we couldn't keep her at home but in reality, and on reflection, her changing needs were getting beyond our abilities. (Alzheimers)

Been to see her today...... happy, settled, eating better.

I admit there is a bit of perceived shame in 'putting him into care' But those that make those sort of judgements aren't those cleaning shit at 6am, dealing with fights, feeding etc etc.

All the best.

You'll have to be firm even though it's emotive. It's your life. I couldn't be a carer and I only have minimal experience of what it entails. My own mother (nurse) couldn't do it for her mother as she was aware of the reality that she couldn't lift her etc etc. I know one man who was expected to care for a sibling whose condition made him violent and it nearly ended in tragedy. The care home was such a better solution for all parties in that scenario. They aren't all like grim cruel institutions. Many times they are in fact a kinder choice for proper care than remaining in the home. And what would be the plan for your sibling should you and your sister pre-decease him? It would need planned anyway just in case.

I would just say no, it's not for lots of us.
That's what professionals are for and probably better for your sibling xx

Be their sibling, be their advocate but if you don't want to be their carer you are entitled to not be.

I have a list of people that are approaching needing 24/7 care. I help out now but I am not going to get any more involved as even part-time is enough for me and my MH.

Your sibling will not be able to manage even half-time. You need a team managing that level of care.

YANBU - it cannot be automatically expected of you that you be a carer for a sibling.

It depends on the type of carer role. If it is a spouse or child and they are terminally ill, taking months out to see them to the end is a right of passage. However, if it is for a sibling of a similar age, you will be signed up for life. You have your life to live and being a carer puts all you personal relationships and future at risk. For me, I would visit every so many weeks or take them out for an ice cream or visit somewhere to do your bit. We are not all built to be carers and there is a lot of support out there now which is available.

@reesewithoutaspoon
@WearyAuldWumman

There is research that shows men with a wide live longer than single men and women with a husband live shorter than single women. And it's because of stuff like this

I have a disabled child. It's soul destroying work there is no support or respite, no respect or acknowledgment. Constantly fucking poor. I would never ever expect another child to take on this responsibility, I would actually discourage it they already lost their childhood to mum being busy caring and no money. Once adults that's their freedom from this hell I couldn't let them give that up to take over from me when I'm unable.

Also two people can't claim carers allowance for one person. It's like £80 a week and you only get it if you earn less than £150 a week. So what is your sister planning? Give up work to care and then give you half the allowance for your input and live off £40 a week? Does she know the reality of finances for disabled people and their carers? So many people think it's loads of money and an easy job. It's the complete opposite and society hates you for the burdensome lazy fuck you are perceived to be if tou get dealt this life.

If your sis wants to do it good for her. You need to be VERY clear what you would be prepared to do and if that's nothing then be very clear. I think you are only ever obligated to care for your child, parents responsibility not siblings or daughters or step mum. Parents get no choice everyone else must get a choice or it will just break you quicker- once you take care responsibility on you will never get SS to take responsibility back there just isn't enough to go around you need SS to decide supported living not enough and sort what is needed if you take sibling out of supporting housing even just short term while SS sort something then your sibling is in a safe suitable living situation and not a priority. Only do it if you can commit for life

She says I am selfish but she is making the decision regardless of my views.

I would be exceptionally clear with her that she can of course disregard your views, but you won't be bullied into being a carer when you are neither capable or willing, so she should make sure she factors that you won't be participating into her decision making

That's a good point.

I was willingly my husband's carer. He had a stroke and had hemiparesis. He learned to walk again, but needed a lot of help.

Latterly, he needed help getting up out of chairs and so on. Two years after he died, I needed a shoulder decompression to deal with a problem I was left with as a result of moving and handling.

A friend who lives down the street was her husband's carer. He had MS and gradually became immobile. She had to have a spinal operation two years ago.

Thank you for this information.

it cannot be done. It simply cannot. Your disabled sibling will be better off in care.

No. Caring for a profoundly disabled adult is difficult enough even if you choose to do it.
Its absolutely not something you take on if you are not 100% committed.
I was a nurse for 37 years. I would not willingly be a carer for anyone else other than one of my own children.And even then if it involved lifting I would choose a care home rather than damage my back and disable myself.

My younger son will likely need care...in no way would I ever expect or want my older son to take this on. I hope he will always be there to support his brother as a sibling but not a carer.

I have posted before with a different username about my sister.
She was cared for by my parents until she became extremely difficult/aggressive.Social Workers of Health visitor saw the damage to parents health and arranged respite care. Sister never came home, she enjoyed the place more. Days out in minibus, stayed up late watching horror movies. Calmed down much better.
She had the benefit of trained carers not amateurs.
She was among her peers, no longer the dumbest person in the room.

I'm sorry your mother took that line - it was really unfair of her. It's a huge imposition to expect anyone to take that on. Fair play to you for standing your ground x

OP you are definitely not being selfish

You need to tell your sibling now and be very clear that they can be a carer if they want but you will not be.

That will allow them to make a realistic decision. She can call you selfish all she wants but she is being enormously selfish to try and make the decision for you.

I'm a 24/7 carer for my husband and have been for years, big deterioration in the last 2. I do it because it is my choice. It doesn't have to be your choice, certainly not a forced obligation and I think that you should make it very, very clear that you aren't going to do it and offer to help finding the best alternative possible that will meet your siblings needs.

Oh OP don't get bullied into being a carer

It's definitely not for everyone and a thankless task

You have a life so go and live it the way you want

Families always argue about this sort of thing so make your feelings clear and leave it at that

A care home is the best place for him and you can both visit him there

Is her concern a financial one ?

My aunt and uncle have 3 adult children. Their youngest has significant disabilities. My aunt and uncle looked after him as best they could for a very long time but he is now in a care home. It was never considered that his other siblings would care for him and give up their own lives. YANBU

You are absolutely NOT selfish. It's very hard work. Your sister sounds naive.

Agree with everyone else - you do not have to agree to this and you need to make it crystal clear to your sibling that they can make the choice for themselves but not make it for you.

Oh OP. I’m sorry.

It’s a fact that not everyone is cut out to be a carer. I include myself!

And this isn’t like caring for elderly parents where it could be for just a few years - this could be a massive chunk of your life.

Set out your position now and stick to it. There’s no need to ruin your life over this as well.

I'd say no but perhaps off to do a weekend a month as respite if she chooses to take him on. Otherwise I'd plan for a care home