I don't want to be a carer

Annonembarassed · 2024-08-26T17:27:15+00:00

Younger sibling has extreme physical and mental disabilities. Lives in supported living but with health deterioration this looks unlikely to be available long term. Other option is care home. Other sibling has said this won't happen and she will give up her job to care. Implied I will be expected to help 50%. I don't want to be a carer. I think there are other options to explore. She says I am selfish but she is making the decision regardless of my views.

grumpygrape · 31/08/2024 11:14

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 26/08/2024 18:41

Being a carer really does suck the soul out of you.

there are a number of people in my family who are full time carers and live with the person they care for.

each one is very depressed, feels stressed with outside resources who are suppose to support, yet it’s like getting blood from a stone. They both feel bogged down with the responsibility and day to day needs, and feel there is no way out.

in both my relatives cases, it’s their children that need caring for so they don’t feel they can diminish responsibility, but it doesn’t stop them wishing they had a better life.

This.

My husband has Alzheimer's

SphinxOfBlackQuartz · 31/08/2024 11:10

Not only do you have every right to say No for your own sake, you also can say No for your disabled sibling's sake - they deserve better than to be cared for 50% of the time by someone who really doesn't want to do it. That's not fair on either of you.

Goldbar · 31/08/2024 08:01

Do you have children?

I'm not saying that if you don't, you should be forced to be a carer against your will, but if you do have children, it would be an immediate and absolute NO from me, no discussion, because of the impact it would have on them. Although of course even if no kids, it's not something you should be pressured into against your wishes.

Fedup92 · 31/08/2024 07:16

Aligirlbear · 26/08/2024 19:35

Unfortunately people who haven’t had to undertake the role themselves or don’t have close relatives undertaking the unpaid carer role they have no idea what it actually entails. They don’t understand the daily grind on a never ending hamster wheel - same routine everyday and no respite because the social service offering is inadequate - regardless of what they are supposed to provide.

If there is cognitive impairment it’s even worse as it’s difficult to feel if the caree understands and can communicate , making life very lonely. Physical disabilities mean manual lifting / handling - it’s hard graft.

Everything is a struggle to get the right support and the never ending hospital visits etc. Money is tight because the unpaid carers allowance is minimal and to be eligible you can’t earn more than a penny over £151 after tax it get deducted. Kiss goodbye to any respite unless you can pay for it yourself. While you do it for one you love - a DP or DC it’s not something everyone is cut out for and it’s bloody soul destroying, stress inducing with depression and anxiety are also high on the list. You can’t go home at the end of your shift either because it’s 24 x 7. Try looking after someone when you are ill yourself, you can’t just take a couple of hours out because you have a headache, or toothache or worse - you have to plough on.

Not everyone is cut out to do it ( and it’s a shame in this country we don’t recognise caring as a valued profession, because it is ) and there is no problem in you being honest with your sibling and telling them you won’t be able to help.

While I’m sure the suggestion is meant with the best of intentions I suspect they don’t really understand what it will mean in real terms and the impact it will have on their daily life. Perhaps you could share some of these posts with your sibling to make sure they really understand what it will mean when you sit down to talk to them. From your description it sounds like you would both be better putting your efforts into finding a suitable care environment. If they have less than £23,500 or so in savings LA support should be available to cover costs.

Good luck with your chat , but for your own sake, family and sanity stick to your guns.

I agree with all of this.

Nobody can force you to do this. Don't feel bad because you don't want to do it. Make it very clear you don't believe helping. Caring is an enormous undertaking, especially if you have children yourself. It's unfair of anyone to assume you'll do it.

saraclara · 31/08/2024 06:56

How is Dsis planning on supporting herself and him? If she gives up her job, where does she see an income coming from? Does she have a mortgage? Is she single? How old is she? How does she see her capacity to have/maintain relationships of her own? What is her response when you point out that there's no room for the equipment her needs? How will she manage lifting and handling on her own?

She's being astonishingly naive.

Yuck12345678 · 31/08/2024 06:49

There are so many factors. Financial, relationships, personal safety. Don’t get forced.

Sheeparelooseagain · 31/08/2024 06:42

"He is non verbal, immobile, struggles with food, incontinent and stubborn so fights against you."

He needs a team of trained carers. Even if you wanted to do it, you and your sister being the carers wouldn't work.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 31/08/2024 06:27

How is the decision being made? Are social workers or medical professionals involved?

You must be clear and firm with professionals and your sibling that you are not able to help. Be firm and insistent from the outset.

DM went through this, she wanted us to care for my aunt with dementia. My aunt barely slept and would let herself out and wander outside- it was dangerous. She ended up in hospital after a fall, after a long time (due to DM fighting to keep her) she moved to a care home.
DM broke her foot shortly after, so any ‘care’ would’ve had to be provided by me- for both of them had DM had her way.

My aunt loved the care home, lots of visits, friends, trips, a very loud tv room! lovely food, hair done, feet done, DM made sure my aunt had new clothes. My aunt would say “this is a great hotel”. She was so happy and never stopped smiling (We never told her it was a care home.)

Poppins21 · 31/08/2024 05:13

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/08/2024 18:56

Absolutely this

Your sibling doesn't get to make choices on your behalf, but the only thing I'd add is to make your position very clear quickly so she can't plough ahead and then say "But I thought you'd help ..."

Show quote history

I agree with sitting down with her and being very clear.

i would not take this responsibility on either - you have your life to live.

Modestee · 28/08/2024 07:32

Why refuse professional trained people?

Daleksatemyshed · 27/08/2024 19:20

Just as an after thought Op, I wonder if your sibling would be happier in a care home? If they're non verbal and immobile then they really aren't having any kind of life at home seeing just one person- maybe in a care home they'd have some different people around them, a chance to have some sort of social life as far as their disabilities allowed? It's sad that their life has been so limited, if it's possible to give them more surely that's a good thing?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 26/08/2024 23:06

Put it in writing and keep a copy, signed and dated.

ilovebagpuss · 26/08/2024 22:50

If your sibling goes into a care home with round the clock care and it's a decent home then why can't it be a mix of the home and then your other sibling and you if you feel you can taking your sibling out for pub lunch or shopping etc.
We had a younger adult in a care home I worked in and she was often out with someone or visiting which meant they could enjoy those outings with her as family not an exhausted carer and the bulk of the physical care was done in the home.
But no don't be brow beaten into anything.

LouLou198 · 26/08/2024 22:46

Not selfish at all OP. Being a carer is a 24/7 job. How does your other sibling see this 50% working? Are they suggesting you move in half the time or sibling with care needs moves in you?
I would definitely be looking at other options.

DeliciousApples · 26/08/2024 22:38

Some people get it in their heads that they are somehow a saint or doing their duty or whatever by caring for a relative. Brag about it to others etc.

Others genuinely feel they can provide the most love and think that's the save as care.

When the reality is that the person would actually have received better care in a facility set up to deal with their particular needs.

If you could sit down and look at options you may find there are some which seem good and worth looking further into.

mirror9 · 26/08/2024 22:31

Please look into Shared Lives if you're in the UK. Very different than a residential home.

PotatoPie111 · 26/08/2024 22:31

I’m always stunned people are quite happy to decide something so massive for someone else.

A relative of DH was cared for by another relative until they died. There was then a lot of time wasting as relatives tried to push the responsibility of their care onto someone else (including DH and myself, hundreds of miles away, jobs and small children) anything to stop them going into institutional care. Which they did eventually and it was the best place for them and they were the happiest they’d ever been with the correct care.

I know someone who plans to take their sibling when her parents die. It’s a ridiculous idea on her part, the sibling needs 24 hour care. She has 3 children of her own and even if they are adults by then will not be able to do anything with them, her parents have never been to visit her ever, she always has to go to them. It’s a choice that will harm her own children.

Sheeplesss · 26/08/2024 22:09

DelphiniumBlue · 26/08/2024 19:30

YANBU, and you need to tell your sibling explicitly that not only will you not be providing 50% of the care, you won't be providing any of it.
It might be an idea to start looking at homes now to see what is likely to be available, and maybe to show that actually the sibling who needs care might be happier in a home , where it is set up to help with disabilities, where there is company, and trained staff and appropriate facilities, than they would be in a flat with only one person to rely on.

This.
You need to be explicit.
Text her this too in a polite but firm way so that she can never say she wasn't told explicitly.
You can say that while you absolutely respect her decision to be full-time carer to your sister, due to your circumstances you will be completely unable to contribute.
That for this reason you believe a care home would be best, however you will respect her preference whilst having absolutely NO involvement.
Do not be bullied by her.
Her wishes do not trump yours.

I appreciate this is an emotive subject for some but ultimately the choice is yours to make.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 26/08/2024 21:53

So don't be a carer.

The only person who can force you into this is you. No matter how much anyone else tries to guilt you etc, you're the only one responsible for this decision.

So just say no, and ignore any backlash.

Viviennemary · 26/08/2024 21:45

No you should not be guilt tripped into being a carer. Her life her choice, your life your choice,

WearyAuldWumman · 26/08/2024 21:42

Ihadenough22 · 26/08/2024 21:39

For the last poster here you need to tell DM siblings that your 70 year old mother is no longer able to look after her 98 year old mother. Remind them she has had her 4 th heart operation and tell them it time to arrange careers for a 98 year old.

It's insane that they won't "allow" carers. Are they trying to save money, I wonder?

There was an overlap with caring for my parents and my husband and I only managed because we organised carers for my parents.

Ihadenough22 · 26/08/2024 21:39

For the last poster here you need to tell DM siblings that your 70 year old mother is no longer able to look after her 98 year old mother. Remind them she has had her 4 th heart operation and tell them it time to arrange careers for a 98 year old.

Pleasegodgotosleep · 26/08/2024 21:32

Have very similar situation. Grandmother is 98, dm siblings refuse to let her go into a home, go to respite care or even have carers in to help certain days of the week but then dictating what my dm should do. Several 24 hr shifts in a row. But dm is 70 and has had her 4th round of heart surgery last year!! Argh

WearyAuldWumman · 26/08/2024 21:26

LikeWeUsedToBe · 26/08/2024 20:48

@reesewithoutaspoon
@WearyAuldWumman

There is research that shows men with a wide live longer than single men and women with a husband live shorter than single women. And it's because of stuff like this

That makes absolute sense.

honeyinwine · 26/08/2024 21:26

Caring is certainly not for the weak. I currently do a set amount of hours in a care home and fuck me it’s hard. It can be draining and overwhelming, I’m on anti-depressants and short time sleeping pills just to get over it- and that’s not even 24/7 unpaid care like some of you are doing. I couldn’t bloody imagine having the responsibility of living under the same roof as the individual you’re taking care of!

(And yes, off topic but I’m desperately trying to find a way out.)

OP please stand your ground and say no. If you accept then it WILL be very difficult to get back out. Mental health care, prescriptions etc etc are sparse enough as it is in a formal care setting, I couldn’t dream of even attempting to sort it out in your own time and home. That, but also potential total loss of your freedom 😞 x