Another driving one - my DP can drive but chooses not to

Stop driving him around. If he asks for a lift, say no, and tell him he needs to get the bus - and that includes when he's taking DS to parties, school or activities.

We also live somewhere where driving is pretty essential and I would be furious if DH decided he was going to make me to do it all - obviously it would be different if he was unwell or couldn't drive for health reasons.

My brother-in-law can drive but doesn't. One, they live in London so can and do manage a lot by public transport. Two, he's colourblind and when he moved to the UK found he really couldn't manage traffic lights here (the places he'd driven previously, in two different countries, had bigger roads and more reliably predictable layouts). Even so, it does put pressure on my sister at times.

In your position, I think you need to point out that had you planned that he would stop driving, you wouldn't be living where you are. It sounds like it is important to know that he would be able to drive in an emergency at the very least. I hope you are able to talk it through to find a better balance going forward.

@Medievalwindow

Drive where and when YOU want to. If you don't want to drive somewhere, then don't. After all, that's what he's doing. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

If he wants to take DC to see his parents, let him take himself and DC on the bus and you stay home. Or tell him that if he wants to see his parents then he'll be doing the driving, end of.

I live where 'car is king', DH and I both drive, but DH usually does the driving because he thinks he's a 'better driver' than me (he's not). But lately he's been either asking me to do the drive or if it's a place primarily for me saying that I'll need to do the driving. I have no problem with that. Driving should be a 'shared chore' just like everything in a marriage.

Obviously if there is a real reason why someone absolutely can't drive that's a horse of a different colour. But if they could drive and simply choose not to or choose not to get help and work to get over their fear, it's not up to drivers to facilitate them getting about.

Does this mean if say you go to his parents for lunch, he always has a glass of wine with lunch but you don’t because you are the driver?

I do think you need to have a serious conversation about moving house. Given he won’t drive, then you need to arrange your lives in a way that allows for no driving.

I became more anxious with my driving over covid times. I am very slowly building back up. I do feel like I hate driving currently and would be happy to never drive again. I do have general anxiety. That’s not the case though, as I drive most days locally. If it’s really bothering you then you will need to decide how far you take things in terms of ultimatums. My husband is happy to drive, but if he was telling me he wasn’t, then I’d have to look at what I can do to change, as obviously I would never want to lose him or be making him so unhappy.

I have to say I hate driving too , and find the roads are so so busy - I think there has been a big increase in just the last 20 years that I have been driving, to the point where I will only drive if I absolutely have to. I will also put off trips if dh can come with us later on for example.

having said that , if I neeeeed to go somewhere, or dh is working, I will drive .

Since my husband became a bus driver the kids have all had free passes , I do even less trips

my car is also a little Vauxhall Astra and it’s so uncomfortable it’s untrue.

I understand your dh point of view, but if it inconveniences you then you need to chat to him about it

Definitely give him a choice. Let him catch public transport to visit his parents or see a councillor.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him not wanting to drive, but I also don’t think it’s fair that you pick up the slack. I have a friend who can drive but chooses not to, her and her partner have a shared family car and he can drive but doesn’t like to drive all of the time. It’s not fair or safe to force someone to drive but it’s also not fair for the other to do 100% of it to compensate so it means they sometimes use public transport, if going on a long trip they’ll get a train or fly rather than drive so it’s not a huge burden etc

I will say that I know many people who don’t drive - but that is fine because they live in the centre of cities. It sounds as though this won’t work where you live.

I will admit that I have some anxiety about driving. Partly because, if anything doesn’t go well, I really dwell on it and assume it’s because I did something stupid. It doesn’t help when my passenger criticises.

One thing that helped me is to drive little and often. A short journey with a non-horrible parking episode is a confidence booster. My husband’s car is a nice, new one and my car is an ancient hatchback with battered wheels (they were scraped to bits when I bought it). It really helps to drive my car because I know no one will be upset if a stone flies up and scratches the wheels.

My next door neighbour got driving anxiety after lockdown and refused to drive. She overcame it by have refresher lessons with a lovely and sympathetic driving instructor who took her on dual carriageways, motorways and little country lanes as well as town driving.

She's so glad she did that as her DH has had a couple of heart attacks and can no longer drive. She only drives to/from supermarkets and the hospital or GP but the point is, she drives. Instead of therapy would your DH do refresher lessons?

Different situation with us - we both really like driving, no problem with long distance, motorway, city, Europe. But.

OH has been getting a bit weird with his driving. Stops at a roundabout when he has the right of way, doesn't always know which way to get to things we've gone to a zillion times.

He's had some health issues which means that he knows he needs to drive less than previously so I'm happy to take over but the whole thing is worrying. I don't believe it's something really serious like alzheimers, more likely something wonky with his meds. All a bit carpy.

My dad hates driving and always did. Mum forced him and he spent decades doing it but very badly and under sufferance. If he's a great partner in other ways, meeting and exceeding 50% of the housework and child rearing, I'd let it go. But then, I love driving.

Anything you hate that you could download to him? Ask for a compromise.

I have major driving anxiety so I can see his side.

Is this his issue too?

My husband does the majority of the driving because I just work myself up so much and he is fine doing it, so he does.

We're in a similiar boat. Passed first time and am apparently an excellent driver but personal experience means the thought of driving makes me want to puke. I'd rather never go anywhere ever again than drive. It's caused arguments at home and I know my kids would prefer it if I drove but I physically can't do it. I have had therapy. It made zero difference.

You can't nag someone into therapy or into driving. It has to come from them. Maybe start with why he thinks he was pressurised into taking lessons and a test in the first place.

DH isn’t very good at driving and used to hate it, so I did all the driving unless there was a reason he absolutely had to. Then we got an electric car, and it’s so easy to drive that he’s now happy to use it and do a fairer share of the driving.

But why should anyone drive if they don’t want to? Why pressure someone into doing something they aren’t comfy with?

some people just aren’t drivers and it’s much better for them to say that than to be on the roads when not safe/confident to be on the roads.

Just don't visit your in laws or go anywhere that he wants to go and you don't particularly.

Or grow a backbone and drive your dc to school /activities when you have a licence?

I dont see an issue here. You can drive so just do so. It doesn't seem that you are doing hours long journeys every day. Are really saying its tiring to drive your children to play centres ?

Ye gods. What sort of people are we raising these days. Grow a backbone & crack on with life

Nobody should be made to drive when they don’t want to.

you shouldn’t feel forced to go out of your way to play taxi for him though.

This.

Decline his lift requests and he still needs to take DS to half of the activities by public transport.

If he won’t get help them he needs to take half the burden.

Well I agree with pp, allow him to use public transport if he needs to get somewhere like visiting his parents on his own etc. Do not offer to drive him if it doesn't suit you.

I mean yes he may be anxious but refusing to discuss or seek help is the problem too.

I also passed my test first time but am an incredibly anxious driver. I am also a good driver.
If he's anxious about it it's not as simple as people think to just get on with it, or get over it. It's quite debilitating and I'm sure nobody wants to be like that. I know I don't.
Have you had a conversation about why he doesn't want to drive? Anxiety/environmental concerns, whatever it is?

He's not been banned has he and just not told you?

Bus for him. Every time.