Another driving one - my DP can drive but chooses not to

All electric cars are automatic because they don’t have a traditional engine. They’re fantastically simple. Just two peddles and no gears to worry about. They’re so smooth and responsive too, it’s the dream. All my anxiety about not having enough time to pull out of junctions or making the car jerk when changing gear has completely disappeared. I can just concentrate on the road.

This was my first thought too...

It’s absolutely icky that he won’t share the load with you for your family. I’d really resent a partner who behaved like that.

I’ve never liked driving but I passed my test in my 20s and drive for 25 years - I increasingly lost confidence in recent years though and recently had a medical diagnosis which means I can’t drive for the time being at least. Tbh it feels like a bit of a relief not to have to.
I was also pleased to not have to drive during covid times as well.

I hate driving too so i understand where he is coming from. The fact it is stressing you out makes ne wonder if you also dislike driving? My DH is very happy doing most of the driving, and if that changed, i would move to a city so i could use public transport.

Selfish. There are lots of things I don't like doing, but I do because they have to be done. If he doesn't enjoy driving, then it just counts as a chore like everything else, surely?

Stop giving him lifts. Take it in turns to drive. Make it clear that if he doesn't want to drive on his turns, he must pay for a taxi, and NOT out of shared, family money.

So, are you saying that if and when you both go out for the night, and have a few drinks, he expects you to be the designated driver?

I would be absolutely furious if they could do something, but chose not too, while expecting you to do it!

Passing his test first time does not make him a good driver. I wouldn't appreciate him passing the buck onto you. If he hasn't given a proper explanation id be inclined to believe he's lazy

It might be worth trying to get to the bottom of what the source of the anxiety is.

I passed my test just before leaving for university and then didn't drive a car for years as I lived in London and didn't need one. When my partner and I moved to the suburbs, I had some lessons again and my anxiety was so bad the first instructor said I was 'making him feel too stressed to continue' 🙄

We realised it was the mechanics of the car that was making me nervous, I was constantly scared of stalling at junctions which meant I panicked and couldn't pull out safely. When our car packed up, we got an automatic electric car and it's been like night and day! I'm so comfortable and confident driving around the area and the freedom it gave me on maternity leave was a revelation.

I admit, I'm still too scared to attempt motorways and I know it's something I need to practice. But the change of car has been huge. I will never drive a manual again, but I think that's ok.

Might be worth interrogating the fear a little bit?

If he's anxious about it it's not as simple as people think to just get on with it, or get over it. It's quite debilitating and I'm sure nobody wants to be like that. I know I don't.

I was an anxious driver. But had no option but to drive a lot soon after I passed my test. If left to myself I may have gone into the feeling it was too hard and I could not do it. But I had to push myself. The problem with avoidance of driving is that it will just make your anxiety worse when you get in the car again.

This!

I could not fancy a man that won't drive. Tell him to man up ffs

Some people are just anxious about driving and tbh, I’d prefer not to share roads with people who aren’t confident they can safely control their big metal boxes.

If he’s understanding that you find it exhausting and will take on some of the other things that need to be organised at either end of a car journey (and is generally a good partner) then I’d stop nagging him. If he wants to use public transport then let him.

On the other hand, if he expects that it’s no problem for you to do all the driving along with everything else then he’s an arse.

I used to be a very anxious driver, absolutely dreaded motorways. My cousin introduced me to the Institute of Advanced Drivers, I did their course with one of their drivers and its honestly changed my driving completely. I am so much more confident and relaxed. Its the best thing I've ever done

In fairness, we are not told that the husband doesn’t pull his weight with other things - just that he doesn’t drive.

One of the things I find difficult about driving is how angry it seems to make some people. And often people you wouldn’t expect - people who wouldn’t even consider kicking off at someone in a bookshop are prepared to rage because someone is doing 35 in a 40. Even the topic seems to make some people angry.

I think a discussion of therapy for not liking driving is likely to make the husband even more anxious. It makes it into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Can the husband drive to the local shop, pick up a few things, and drive back? That is where I would start. It’s important not to go mad on praise - it just isn’t a big deal. If he were to scratch an alloy wheel on a pavement, this cannot be a big deal either.

If I were you, from now on I'd choose to not do his laundry.

Would you have the se response if he was refusing to do any housework for example? It's his right to say he doesn't want to drive but he also needs to think of the wider impact on his partner and child. I don't think it's very fair on them

It depends if he is willing to get public transport.

Id say he needs to take a turn doing clubs etc and its hos choice if he drives or gets public transport. So say, next weekend you all want a family day out, he is responsible for the transport side of things whether that be arranging the logistics of the public transport or driving.

Its not unreasonable for him not to drive but ot is unreasonable if he never takes responsibility for planning and making journeys on the presumption you will just drive.

I agree that you need a conversation as to how this looks as the dc get older - lots of activities and poor public transport. You are semi-rural. Does it help you to become less rural? Closer to family? Could you afford to move, if that is the easiest answer?

I also agree to having him take the dc to , for example, visit his family, on public transport. Be busy that day; have a migraine; but ensure he does it on his own.
Ideally, let him do it when there’s a gale blowing…

It’s fine that he wants to cycle and take the bus. Better for the environment. But if it’s too hard to do that with the dc, then he needs to look at his issue with driving.

No I mean electric. No gears (same as an automatic) but also regen braking means you hardly need to use the brakes. It’s like driving a bumper car.

Our nice car is an electric car and it is easier than a petrol one (once you get used to it).

OP, what would happen if you suddenly decided you didn’t fancy driving any more?

Or could you decide you don’t want to cook, clean or do any laundry? Why does he have the luxury of choice?

Do you mean automatic rather than electric?

I'm intrigued how driving an electric car could be easier than petrol/diesel.

It’s selfish and it’s only going to get worse as your son gets older

@GrassWillBeGreener

There are now glasses that will correct colour blindness in some people. I don't know the ins and outs of it and it doesn't correct all types, but a friend's DH got a pair and when he first put them on he practically burst into tears at what the world 'really looked like'.

Being colour blind never affected his driving though. I guess he learnt to 'read' the traffic lights in the colours as they appeared to him.