AIBU to be suspicious?

No @Soretoothfairy , it's not "some sort of religious thing", (which is a bit of a sly dig at people who have a religious faith), it's out of respect for my friend, his wife and their marriage. Why, have you a problem with that?

How long was he there?

Do you have any mutual friends you could discuss this with? Because this is an obvious wtf move on DH and friend's parts and talking about it with the wider group would probably help if you feel you're being manipulated into thinking it's normal

I wouldn't be happy about this situation. Your husband is being deliberately obtuse. My husband used to work overseas a lot - he'd fly in for a meeting and he might go out to dinner with a workmate who'd also flown in for the meeting. I was fine about him going out to dinner in a strange city with a colleague he knew and occasionally it was a female colleague. I think this though is completely different with your husband basically saying he can go on a date with an old friend who appears to act in an over-friendly way with him in front of his wife and has invited him over to dinner to her house when her children are asleep and her husband is away. Meanwhile he leaves his own wife alone with their sleeping children.

Most men invited over to a woman's place for dinner when her husband is away and her children are asleep would be thinking of this as an invitation for sex especially if she has been making eyes at him and acting keen. Your husband must know this.

There is a line about what is acceptable to have behaviour in marriage. It doesn't mean that you can't have friends of the opposite gender or whatever. It does mean though that you can't date friends of the opposite gender and expext your spouse to be "cool" about it. In fact, this looks exactly like cheating in plain sight. Incidentally, if she makes advances to married men, she is by no means perfect.

For someone ‘oblivious’, there certainly have been some intentional behavior changes. And they began that night.

Please don’t sell yourself short, @AIBU2bjealous. You are a fantastic woman in your own right who chooses to give abundantly to your H and young children, and that should engender his love, respect, interest, and a sexy spark. As for OW, it may appear that she is a perfect woman living a golden life, but she is diminishing herself (and disrespecting you and her H) by making goo-goo eyes and drooling over her married friend. Something is amiss…

How are you going to approach this?

Surely the most important (only important?) thing here is the way YOU feel and he should be concerned about this AND NOTHING ELSE!

You think she fancies him. You're not normally controlling (I'm assuming) but you feel insecure and uncomfortable for a number of reasons. He may not be intent on an affair or even a one-off shag, but you can see how it might happen. And if it's going to, it will, but you don't have to passively facilitate it.

Tell him, clearly and calmly, how you feel and ask him to take a step back from the friendship. You deserve that level of understanding, loyalty and reassurance from your husband. It's not unreasonable at all.

It crosses a line and is the biggest elephant in the room. Why all the negotiating? She is trouble and there are so many red flags blowing to shreds in a hurricane. Stop it now and say No! No! and thrice No!

I mean if he were up to something why would he be so blatant about it?

Hiding the affair in plain sight?

It does happen

Ask him not to go.

See his reaction .....surely if you're uneasy about it, he puts your feelings first and doesn't go?

This is difficult. I have a few close male friends. I would go over to theirs on my own when their children were in bed and we’d have dinner and generally catch up. Our partners are completely fine with it and there is definitely no attraction on either of our parts.

If this isn’t a regular occurrence and you are obviously not happy about it, then I think your husband shouldn’t go if you going to be really upset about it. Can he meet up with her another time? What sort of times and locations would you be happy with? Are you worried he is going to cheat as if he is, there’s not really anything you can do about it. You can’t spend your life worrying, setting curfews, etc., it will drive you made and create a wedge between you.

I have had male friends over for specific reasons, however I’ve tended to organise with the wife. DH’s last job had an on-site on call component where if there was an emergency, they had rest area provisions for coverage*. Examples such as DH going to assemble a display case over weekend ready for pre-arranged tradesperson to fix to wall on the Monday, he would be called in and wouldn’t know if he would be back before tradesperson came etc. It was often Murphy’s Law. So, I’d contact the wife, ask if I could ‘borrow’ their DH to do it, as I didn’t want to ask and ruin any plans they may have had that the DH had been unaware of. Then if confirmed they had nothing on or she didn’t need him for a job herself, I’d contact my male friend directly to ask. Never an issue, and avoided any resentment of some’s DH being at mine doing something if their wife had to have two different kids in two different places at that time or whatnot.

*For those thinking I was conned by a DH up to no good, it never happened in any job prior or since, and when it did happen there was always a mahoosive lift in his pay that month, so no reason to believe was not genuine.

Have you made it clear to your DH how very uncomfortable you are about this? And does her DH know that your DH will be going round in his absence? It all sounds a little….unusual. Just tell him you don’t want him to go, and that you think he should put your needs above hers - why should you be expected to spend an evening in your own just because her DH is away?

The long break is indeed very telling, and @AIBU2bjealous commented in her other thread that her H wasn’t even mentioning the ‘friend’ during that time. Perhaps one or both intentionally distanced publicly because (1) they regretted what had occurred that night or (2) they decided to continue and take it underground or (3) they were seen, so needed to lie low for a while. It is also possible that they had already been involved and this was a break up.

I’m wondering who initiated the get-together with the children. It appears that the dust had settled and she felt free to project love-sick vibes toward him, and then to bring him over at night when her H is away. His agreeing to go is key, as it shows his decision to trash his physical or emotional fidelity. His being open about going is to normalize it in ‘plain sight’, as is his offering to share bedtime duties before he goes.

@AIBU2bjealous, I hope you will assert an iron-clad boundary, and can get to the bottom of his disloyalty.

Nope. I wouldn't be happy with that. Personally, I think it's rarely ever entirely appropriate for married /committed men and women to meet up alone at night with a friend of the opposite sex. With the added backstory you supplied, I would be extremely unhappy about this proposed evening alone.

Why would this be necessary? Why can't they meet some other time, in a public place or with other people? It's incredibly disrespectful of their spouses, in my opinion.

Does he look at her the same way? I had something similar with my husband and a friend that grew up near him. It was weird this was someone he had a big crush for years on he asked her out and she refused. She was stunning and had a lot of admirers she looked like a model. When I met my husband we got engaged quickly and married in less than a year we were both very happy. This woman was at our engagement and acting very weird. She was flirting with my husband and every time we saw her she did the same. He thought it was odd it was like she did not want him but when she knew he was in a serious relationship she did not like it. My husband never met up with woman on his own I think she flirted to make me insecure. Your husband needs to take a step back from this woman if he values your marriage. The long period of time they were not meeting is very suspicious you need to ask him why. Either her husband was uncomfortable about them or something happened. If you live in a village could your husband have got a scare of something getting back to you.

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I wonder why they stopped meeting for several months? I would be suspicious that something happened that occasion. There's no harm in him having a female friend but to meeting and then just stop could it have been a break up. He is not stupid he obviously notices her fawning over him and so would her husband. Then to invite him when her husband is away may be strange maybe the husband is not comfortable about it either if he knows. Could you spring it on him that you got a babysitter see his reaction.

They're blatantly taking the piss out of you op.
Big deal he's helping put the kids to bed before going out,fuck me they're his kids as well.
And you're meant to be happy smiley as he goes off on his date.i wonder what her dh thinks of the situation.

I would step right in here. Call her and say you’re sorry her husband is away. Come round with children for early supper.
How lovely.

This is so naive. Tons of people cheat with their kids in the house. They even cheat with their spouses in the house. They get an extra thrill from the risk.

"I do find it sad so many women think their husbands will cheat on them given the opportunity"

This is just about facing reality. Lots of men cheat. If you prefer to live in a fantasy that your husband is so special he's immune, have at it, but please don't tell other women that observing dodgy male behaviour is about the woman being irrationally jealous and it's all in her head. That's gaslighting.

This^ 100%