DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

He doesn't have a point because he's never actually bothered to have an adult conversation about what (if anything) is bothering him. Being a dick to your partner in the hopes that they'll figure out the subtext is not acceptable.

Right, but would you say 'shut the fuck up' or 'can we talk about this later'? If the former, you're a vicious twat.

Doesn't sound like she wants a job.

He’s just saying can you organise the redecoration and family presents yourself, you would like him to be more polite. Both of you can change. Totally fixable and not marriage breaking.

Exit plan means working towards an exit. Getting a job. Savings. Benefits. Housing.

I too would be seriously pissed off if someone tried to engage me in discussions about the decorating while I was trying to switch off on my one holiday of the year.

Sounds like a man who's not getting his conjugals.

He might have a point……

You know what, all you saying he is resentful at paying for the cleaner etc. how about you think about how he could speak to her, using a mature tone and express his concerns, thoughts, worries. Rather than telling her to shut the fuck up. She is right not to want to do all the household stuff and he didn't want to do it so the option was to pay.

All these posters jumping to the poor man's defence. It can't be possible the fact he is completely incapable of voicing his own opinions beyond "shut the fuck up", is his own fault. Lucky for the powerless love you've fallen upon a group of psychics willing to tell you what you're doing wrong though.

An exit plan with what money though?

I wouldn't put up with his shit, OP. He's showing you and your relationship a complete lack of respect. It doesn't even matter what the cause is, because instead of discussing it with you, he's consistently acting like a dick.

Working a 40 hr week doesn't mean he gets to opt out of the mundanity of life and to take it out on you. Even if you sat around eat bonbons all day, watching your stories on telly. It's still completely unacceptable. He's an adult. He has to communicate if he's unhappy with the situation.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. You're either partners or you're not. It may be he has a list of things to complain about, too. Good. Tell him to get it out and speak about it, instead of being a miserable fuck.

If that doesn't work, I'd start putting together an exit plan because life is too short to waste on someone who thinks so little of you.

I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. I work 16 hours per week, I do 10 hours of school runs a week (school is 30 mins drive away), I do all the housework, laundry, cooking etc for 2 adults and 3 children, I live in a 6 bedroom 4000sq ft house and I do not have a cleaner.

If you live in a normal sized family home and have 3 children who are all at school, you have absolutely enough time to do all the housework, grunt work, school runs, buying sisters birthday presents, ironing, cooking. You even have time to get a part-time job too if that’s what you want.

The way your husband speaks to you is not acceptable. You need to address that. But I 100% agree with all the others saying that your husband is resentful of you doing very little. He likely feels unappreciated. And you need to think about what changes you can make in order to be an equal partner in the relationship.

Who do you think gets the kids ready and picks them up from school.

I'm beginning to think you're taking the piss now.

Get a job. Or do the cleaning yourself.

I'd be bloody irritable in his shoes too.

I totally agree - this is so lazy and ungrateful, it blows my mind, I agree with you. There was only one post of the same egregiousness here on MN, in my memory. In that post, a sahm was whingeing, that her consultant husband who works away and travels every week to his hospital, and keeps her and the child in food and roof over their heads, dares to do his admin when he comes home for the week-end, instead of doing house chores, etc. to relieve her of her 'hardships'. Amazingly, posters were instructing this epitome of laziness how to 'put him straight', that he 'ought to do his admin in his hospital accommodation during the week, after so many hours in the hospital so he could dedicate his week-ends to relieving her of her hard work'. Sometimes I think that it is not the OPs who have gone mad, but the commenters too!

Christ OP your kids are at school and you have a cleaner for 12 hours a week!

Do you do lunches, gym, shopping during the school day?

If I didn’t work and my kids were all at school I wouldn’t expect my DH to do a great deal around the house.

I work pt and tt. One of the conditions of me being ‘allowed’ such luxury is that I am accountable for all housework, washing, cooking, bills, dog walking, and child-related stuff. Dh can then focus solely on his job during the week. Weekends are more equal, but ultimately it comes down to me as he likes to spend the weekend unwinding and doing his hobby. I don’t resent any of it because I manage to carve out plenty of free time for me during the week.

Op I hate to say but dh wouldn’t put up with a second of you.

Oh god you’ll be shocked to know
some of us do all that and work 40 hours and week and we don’t have a cleaner either.

jesus Christ I can see why he’s fed up.

*Who do you think gets the kids ready and picks them up from school.

The 12 hours includes cleaning, washing and ironimg the clothes, cooking sometimes as well*

So you get your own children ready for school and pick them up? Big deal, it's what millions of parents do every single day, so the cleaner cooks, does the washing, ironing and you don't work? * *Fuck me OP, can you really not see why he's pissed off?

I was all ready to leap to your defence, OP, but having read all of your posts I just can't.

Your husband is paying for everything, facilitating the cleaning being done - and paying for that - and he doesn't want to listen to you going on about irrelevant minutiae. I mean, what possessed you to ask him what he thinks you should get for your sister? Did you really need to ask that, can you not think for yourself - and if not, why should he have to do that? I read that as an example of the sort of things that you talk at him about.

He says that you 'burden' him, you should listen to that. I work full time and when I'm not working I need some quiet time for myself - my husband (now retired) knows this and doesn't endlessly witter on about stuff that doesn't matter and I'm very grateful for that.

I think that many of the posters on this thread have nailed it with their responses to you and you'll disregard them at your peril. Your relationship - from what you've posted - isn't 'pretty good', it's dire and on the brink. Your husband doesn't want to listen to you talking. That is a very serious thing.

I also agree that it's time for you to go back to work - for your own sake and for that of your marriage. Start contributing financially and have a wider range of topics and interests - for yourself, but also for your marriage if you want that to continue. The way it's going, if you don't change, then it's a question of when, not if.

Can't see how this has anything to do with who earns what...

"He just throws a strop when I ask his opinion on something he isn't interested in"

I think you'll find he doesn't like it when the topic is not directly related to him solely.

See before we have kids, we women do like to dote on our man.
We constantly ask him how he is, what sort of a day he had, how was work today, how is your mother, what will you get for your Dad's Christmas present, what do you want for dinner, will I collect your shirt for Friday, where will we go next summer, etc etc.
All the above is directly related to solely caring for him and his welfare.

We don't notice that the 'caring' largely only flows in one direction because our woman instinct is focused on procreation and grooming the man to produce sperm and then assist in keeping offspring alive.

Role on life, and kids appear.
Suddenly the man is getting sidelined and conversations from the woman of the house are not to do with him anymore.

Therefore he's pissed off and jealous when the attention of the Carer is swivelled away from him and onto something else.

His ideal scenario is a 1950s wife who dotes upon him and keeps talk about the pesky kids and housework crap to herself.

Honestly, it sounds like you're both a bit unreasonable here.

He's massively in the wrong for telling you to shut the fuck up, I can't imagine ever talking to DP like that.

But at the same time he's not wrong in the sentiment, the last thing I want to talk about on my only holiday this year is home improvements. Its meant to be relaxing, why bring up something stressful like decorating.

And it does sound like there's some resentment building around you not pulling your weight. You don't work, you have a cleaner, you seem to feel like your previous two holidays this year weren't holidays because you had to do some parenting in them. I think I'd start to feel slightly resentful too.

Agree, op sounds like a freeloader.

I don’t think the OP is lazy and entitled. Presumably they have agreed that she will be at home dealing with all things childrelated and everything around school.

When I used to take the children alone on «holiday» it was my ex who had the holiday at home, chilling and looking after only himself.

Decorating a joint home might warrant a slight interest even from the superior male, in normal circumstances. My DH takes great interest in it. We chat about stuff and agree, because we both live here and share our home. He used to make 4 times my salary. Now I have a better job and I make 2/3 of what he does. You never know, I might end up out earning him, but we would still discuss things like this in a friendly way.

He doesn’t like you and is terribly rude about it. Why that is you may never know, but there’s no point wasting your one life being mocked and made to feel second class.

Oh OP. This isn't going to go well.