DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

He is acting resentful. He is in the wrong if he hasnt said anything and let it all build up to the pount he is telling you the STFU. Thats childish behavior IMO. He needs to communicate what he needs from you. If its not resentment and being equal with each other, then I would say he doesnt like you anymore…

No, it couldn't. Because they agreed this set-up and he is the one who insisted on the cleaner. If he wants to change things, he needs to communicate it, instead of doling out nasty comments.

I wouldn't put up with being told to STFU but I also wouldn't expect a man to provide me with a home, holidays and employees to do the tasks a stay at home parent is usually responsible for, particularly when DC are school age. He's not communicating the issue well but it's not unreasonable that he is unhappy.

Sorry OP. I’d be pissed off and think you were lazy too. What do you between 9-3? If you have a cleaner and the kids are at school? You sound like a bum and I’m with him I would also be annoyed. You need to get a job.

No

You’re a SAHM and you (he) still pay a cleaner for 12 hours a week?? What do you do all day while the children are at school?

He probably feels you’re not pulling your weight in the partnership. I’m not sure I blame him. That’s not to say it’s right for him to speak to you like that, but you can’t expect a true partnership in some aspects of your life together but not in others (e.g. financial).

The argument could be made that she’s treating him like shit expecting him to go out and knock his pan in while she sits at home with a cleaner for 12 hours a week and “sometimes does cooking”

God it's all such bollocks. I have no idea why people love giving out a moral beating on here so much. What the OP does, assuming she is being sincere and hasn't just set this thread up as an opportunity to slag SAHMs off, is nobody else's business except her family's. She does not deserve to be treated badly because their family has made a decision about how they lead their lives. If her H has a problem he needs to communicate his feelings himself. He does not have an excuse to be an absolute shitter to his wife.

All the outrage, it's just ridiculous.

We don’t know the full story. He may have given plenty of warnings before getting to this point

He sounds tired and resentful. But I still don't think he should be speaking to you that way. He should have said " Let's discuss the decorating another time." Dh does a pretty stressful job and often has no energy to discuss stuff. So he says "Let's leave it for the weekend".

He's probably worried that if he divorces her he'll just end up having to foot the bill for two households and he'll only see his kids every other weekend because she'll claim to be the primary caregiver.

12 HOURS of cleaning and you don’t work?!

He probably feels that you’re massively taking the piss! He works and has to pay for someone else to clean his house for 12 hours a week when you’re at home all day! Unless you’ve got literally 15 homeschooled wild children, I think YABVVVU! I don’t understand what you do all day, or why you can’t do any chores yourself? I have 2 children, a full time job, my husband works abroad so I’m alone most of the time and I still manage to do all cooking, washing and cleaning - it’s really not that hard?!

He’s probably feeling really fed up and unappreciated and a bit like the relationship is one-sided in terms of labor. I would be! He works but you don’t seem to do anything except take care of your own kids, which most people manage around the housework that he’s paying someone else to do.

I’d also be so annoyed if I worked full time and my husband didn’t do much and then, when I finally got my first holiday of the year, he wanted to talk about boring home stuff when I wanted to relax! And even more so if he had been on two other holidays without me but claimed they weren’t real holidays simply because his own kids were there and he saw family?!

This is so wild I can’t even believe it’s real.

Who cares what she does? That's not the issue here. The issue is her husband treating her like shit. If he has an issue he needs to speak up about it. She's not a fucking mind reader.

He sounds really annoyed tbh.

It doesn’t really matter how you arrange your lives as long as everyone is happy with how things are. I’m a SAHM with a cleaner (more hours than OP) , my DC is in nursery half days and we do a lot of activities, but Dh is happy with how everything is so it’s not an issue. It works for our family.

OP your husband is not happy, it needs to be tackled but he needs to be able to communicate and you need to be able to hear him. He should not be speaking to you like this at all.

Having read op last response it sounds like a wind up

Yeah there are loads of us who do this as well as working and without the cleaner.
Let the bloke enjoy his sole holiday that presumably he's paid for.

So what do you do between school drop off and school pick up, when the "part time cleaner" that your husband pays for is doing all your housework for you?

Projecting? Alright hun 🤷🏾‍♀️ If you say so.

Your husband is being mean, but I can't get over 12 hours of cleaning a week when your children are all school aged and you are at home..

I get a bit annoyed that my DH is incapable of making any independent decisions and wants to discuss everything first, it's tiresome. And I'd love to be able to make decisions without his input, especially on home decor. But I would never tell him to STFU. We are both adults who can discuss things without being rude to each other.
Lots of theories here but you're not actually going to know the cause or if there's a bigger issue unless you sit down and have a calm and adult discussion.

He should never speak to you that way BUT you need to expand your life. If all you bring to the conversation is stuff about the children - who spend most of their time at school - then he’s probably bored of listening to you. I’m sorry but you need to bring more to the party!

No, that's you projecting. If her husband has an issue with their set-up, he should speak up about it instead of treating her like shit. That's the problem here.

"Who do you think gets the kids ready and picks them up from school.

The 12 hours includes cleaning, washing and ironimg the clothes, cooking sometimes as well"

So you get your kids ready for school and take them then pick them up. What else do you do if somebody else is cleaning, washing and even doing some cooking?

It subs like he's sick and tired of carrying you and funding the cleaners so you can go away with your family and he's left working to pay for it all. Then he FINALLY gets a break and you start with questions about gifts for your family that he's paying for and going about decorating that he's going to be paying for for the house he is paying for so you can do nothing much while the cleaner that HE'S PAYING FOR takes the brunt of the load.

You sound rather entitled and like your world is very small , honestly you need to get a job and take some of the pressure off him. It's HORRIBLE being the only earner and carrying the family, but to be questioned about trivial gifts I don't care about and about yet more expense ( decorating)..... I'd be telling you stfu aswell tbh.

Let him rest his beer on your head OP and tell you to fuck off as and when. He works, why should he treat you with respect?

When you're not asking him to think about things that irritate him do you two have proper conversations? What is communication usually like because it sounds like you need to sit down and have a proper talk about your marriage and your roles in it. After the holiday, of course, keep the mood light for now. Saying STFU is rude of course and he could be more respectful.

If you are living in a 1950's style marriage then maybe he's expecting an old fashioned wife who does it all and never troubles him with inconsequential 'women's concerns'. Not sure that's a healthy dynamic in 2024. Consider getting a part-time job maybe.