DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

What if one spouse earns enough that the family doesn’t need more money to sustain its lifestyle, and the two spouses agree together that the less high earner should be an SAHP so that the children don’t have to have a nanny / to go to extended day provision / the breadwinner can make whatever work plans they need to without having to juggle their spouse’s work schedule?

it’s all well and good to say “get a job” but there isn’t a world of employers out there that are looking for people who can work 9:30 - 2:30 in term time.

I was an SAHM and have been incredibly fortunate to find a part time job that uses my skills and that I can do from home and is flexible around school and the children’s clubs. It pays the minimum wage. I don’t think DH would give a shit if I gave it up as it is totally immaterial to our family finances. I do it because I enjoy it and it allows me to buy him presents that he didn’t pay for himself, pay for my own hobbies etc. If I do something nice for myself when the kids are at school he doesn’t think I am lazy because he actually appreciates the sacrifices I have made for his career.

Is she saying what sorry? She is not saying anything but yeah the kids can see one of the parent works and the other don't, they might not catch on it at a young age but will eventually. I am not saying his words are right I am saying it's a bigger symptom and reflects on their relationship, but she chooses to believe the relationship is "good" apart from him talking to her like that, she clearly has no capacity for self reflection.

I look after the house admin, the boring stuff. I visit my parents and my in law. There is a fair amount of stuff to do for both of them - but more for my in laws as my sisters help with parents.

i never said I have a hard life, I know it's easier than most. I had MH issues so didn't want to return to work, but I had a decent career.

He has never asked me to go to work. The issue is his annoyance towards me, and sometimes at the kids.

OP, I think if you had put all this in your opening post, and spelled out exactly how much caring you do for your (presumably) husband's parents, the thread would have turned out very differently.

Out of interest, how much DO you do for the in-laws? Does your husband tolerate discussion of his parents, or is that a 'STFU' topic, too?

I'm really not surprised that your husband wants you to stop wittering on about the decorating when he's on his only holiday. To be honest, from what you've said about your lifestyle, I think it sounds as though you're totally taking the piss. How can anyone need a cleaner for 12 hours per week when they're a stay at home mum with school age children? If your children are all at school, then you should have time to clean yourself. I agree with a previous poster that your husband is probably bitter about your two previous holidays. You might have told yourself thst they weren't real holidays because you were doing holiday stuff, but I bet they seemed like holidays to your husband when he was working hard to subsidise your lifestyle while you had swanned off alway.

The problem is that you've become boring to him. Boring isn't sexy. Men don't like paying for not sexy. He's full of resentment too.
Get a job and get financially secure quickly.

Your cleaner does 12 hours a week? Holy heck. And you’re a sahp with the dc all at school. Crumbs.

as the saying goes, 'if you have to say it, if you have to spell it out, don't bother, don't say it'

What a saying. Trips right off the tongue.

perhaps he’s becoming resentful of financially supporting your lifestyle (of not working either inside or outside the home and taking multiple holidays)? The issues you raised (birthdays and decorating) he perhaps views as coming under your remit (I’m not quite sure what else you do with your time, presumably his role in the relationship is fairly clearly understood). He’s not expressing this is a healthy or respectful way, but maybe you both need some conversations around whether the current family arrangements continue to work for both of you now all of your children are in school? He really needs to communicate much better though (with more kindness).

Honestly op. It does sound a little that ye are ships
In the night. He doesn't talk to you about work and he doesn't want to hear about your issues either. Not an ideal scenario for when the kids are grown and gone. I think ye could
Benefit from counselling to maybe reconnect as a couple. It's hard to see your relationship surviving if you don't talk about any real life issues etc

No. How did you extrapolate that?

Grown ups don't roll their eyes. They don't snap at their partners to stfu, or whine.

This man is clearly capable of holding down a job. He's therefore also capable of using his words, as we encourage toddlers to do.

There are a number of women here who seem to accept that grown ass men don't have either the ability or the obligation to speak to their wives civilly, to talk about what's on their minds, or to identify and express feelings in a way that doesn't alienate their spouses and cause a marital rift.

So many women here are falling over themselves explaining away verbal abuse, guessing what this strangely inarticulate gainfully employed twat really feels and really means, deep down in his hurting soul. And we wonder why we are failing to make progress as a society. There are posts here that read like the lyrics of girl group songs of the 1950s.

A wife or female partner is more than the sum of her body parts, and she is also more than the sum of her financial or other contributions to the home.

Im not envious at all.
I have a cleaner myself. One that I pay for out of my own wages. From my full time career that I have managed to maintain whilst raising my children. I'm rather proud of myself. I don't envy the OP at all. Disdain maybe.

Are you saying there can be a context, an excuse, or a valid reason for verbal abuse?

She is lazy. Pointing out she is the female equivalent of a cock lodger isn't mysoginistic.

It's the equivalent of "yeah, but....", which plenty of posters on this thread have done as well.

The OP talks about how her husband talks to her and so many posters go "yeah, but you don't/do xyz."

That's the very definition of excusing his ratty behavior. Op's efforts in home, or lack thereof, are a different topic. It has nothing to do his yelling, open contempt or his inability to deal with his issues like an adult.

Yeah, is she saying that to his face? Or in front of their children?

Her language here has nothing to do with how he treats her in person. His behavior is inexcusable.

YABU leave the man alone to enjoy the holiday! Redecorating conversation?? On his only holiday??? Wise up 🤦‍♀️

I'm so confused. What has the cleaner got to do with his abusive language and indifference to your questions?

@IggityZiggity - no, 12 hours wasn’t a typo.

Was 12 hours a week a typo?

OP he isn’t as happy as you think he is. Happy men don’t speak to their wives like shit and they want to talk about what’s important to them.

DH and I are both Managing Directors at work, we each earn a significant amount of money. We have a cleaner for 5.5 hours a week to clean a 4000sq ft house and do the ironing.

Guess who gets our DC ready for school and picks them up… either DH or me. Using breakfast and after school clubs. We balance our schedules and use spreadsheets to manage our lives. We also tidy the house and manage to cook each day. I also do all of the mundane shit like keeping the house in good decorative order, buying birthday presents for everyone and running our DCs’ lives and house admin. If I wasn’t working and had outsourced housekeeping, I would expect to do everything to keep the house/family running.

You sound incredibly lazy.

Honestly, I feel contempt for you. Your husband must resent you massively!! That doesn’t excuse him swearing at you. He must be able to maintain a civil tongue in his head at work after all.

The fact he speaks to you like that though is an early warning that he’s checked out of your relationship. It isn’t equitable. He doesn’t like you. Use this time to get your ducks in a row!!

I was thinking along these lines.

He probably feels that he works full time and pays for someone to clean. So you have capacity to sort out all the home/life admin. He probably doesn't want to talk about decorating when he is relaxing on holiday.

Doesn't mean he should talk to you like that though.

@CrimsonStar and @WalkersAntler - do you really hear envy when posters point out that OP has all the benefits of being an SAHP without pulling her weight as an SAHP? Do you really think that what all women really want is to stay at home while their husbands earn money and pay for everything?

Because I can tell you that is not what all women want and I certainly do not envy the OP. I work outside the home and always have done. I would be a hopeless SAHP. I have friends who have been SAHPs throughout, including whilst their children have been at school. But they have also taken full responsibility for maintaining the home. They haven’t insisted their DHs take on serious housework because they - as SAHPs to DCs in school - have free time to do all that. They haven’t made their DHs pay for 12 hours’ worth of domestic support on the basis that their DHs shouldn’t be allowed to ‘get away with’ not doing domestic chores. Frankly, most WOHPs do more than OP is doing.

OP’s DH is definitely in the wrong to say STFU and roll his eyes but, in her own way, OP is treating her DH quite badly. This is a marriage which is starting to disintegrate and telling OP that her DH is completely in the wrong and she’s getting it all right is incorrect and unhelpful.

Come now its not envy.
Just imagine for a second this post was OP saying she works full time and her DH is a SAHD and he feels that as he gets the kids ready and does school runs, and calls in to his in laws that he wants her to pay a cleaner 12 hours a week for cleaning, cooking and ironing.
He'd be called a lazy cocklodger and she'd be advised to get rid.

He snaps because he’s clearly feeling under pressure. He can’t handle anymore stress so stop giving him more things to think about paying for.

In all seriousness he could be becoming depressed. Becoming snappy is a sign that he could break.