DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

I could turn my house inside out and upside down, clean every corner, including the attic, and it wouldn't take 12 hours - curious as to the size of your house OP?

He shouldn't speak to you like he did but I can understand his exasperation.

If your relationship has any kind of future you have to reset the dynamic. It does sound to me like he's resentful that he works and you're unemployed and it doesn't sound like you have any plans to change that. It's not difficult to see why he might not be very happy with the situation as it is.

I'm not saying this excuses him speaking to you badly but I don't think you are going to change anything big about this poor relationship until you start acknowledging the actual issues.

Will you be picking up the brush yourself to redecorate?
If not, on his holiday (which is precious time) you gave him something else to earn the money to pay for when you get home. I'd be annoyed to be dragged back to reality too, I think.

He absolutely should not be telling you to STFU and he sounds resentful but I think acknowledging that the work split in your home (you say he's a hands on dad?) reads as uneven.

It may benefit everyone if you got yourself some paid work now the kids are at school. You buy your independence, the pressure is lessened on him as sole contributor.

And you don't need 12h of cleaning a week, even if everyone's employed FT. We had 4h a month 😂

Sorry but sightseeing is still a holiday. Going away is a holiday it just isn’t a beach holiday.

Maybe you DH feels that redecorating is your SAHM responsibility. I can see that he might not be interested in what to get your sister for her birthday.

Nevertheless the language used is horrible. He sounds like he’s checked out / finds you annoying. That or he has something stressful on his mind and he hasn’t shared this with you (his comment about work problems indicates it could be a work problem).

"These were family holidays / events. I was looking after the children etc, I wasn't laying on a beach."
^
Looking after your own children? Such hardship for you.^

What do you do whilst the kids are at school?

If you put him back I’ll take him.

what I would give for 3 holidays a year and a cleaner for 12 hours a week let me tell you.

May I? Your husband is sick and tired of being the breadwinner with you not working.
I am the breadwinner in the family, my dh works part-time. He does everything in the house, plus everything to do with the children. Absolutely everything. He insists on doing it, otherwise it would be, as he put it 'ripping the arse out of things'. Men and women are not that different. I understand your husband's accumulated resentment.

First off, I agree with previous posters that whatever is going on in his head, he shouldn't speak to you like that. If he's frustrated, he needs to find a way to raise it calmly and constructively - that's how relationships stay healthy.

I say this kindly, and as a SAHM myself, but if paying all the bills is his responsibility then what you refer go as the mundane stuff kind of becomes your responsibility. That doesn't mean he can ignore it completely, but the actual work of it will fall on you. It also doesn't mean that's all you are, and it's definitely not what you fell in love over. The mundane stuff is overwhelming and unavoidable when it's all on you, but do you get much time to connect about whatever shared interests and common ground brought you together before having a family shook things up?

Also, in the current climate there's a lot of pressure on a sole bread winner. Is it possible there's something else going on?

That's still a holiday. Just because you aren't lying on a beach you're still away, seeing somewhere new and enjoying something out of the ordinary.

The way he's snapped at you is horrible but claiming your first two holidays this year aren't a holiday must be pretty grating.

Still sounds awfully like a 'holiday' to ne!

He is rude to speak to you that way, there is no excuse for that however I wouldn't be rushing to LTB, by any standards you have a pretty cushy life.

“NotDonna · Today 13:07
There could be two things going on here… 1) Maybe you don’t have interesting things to discuss? So you are focussing on your stuff, what’s on your mind. The mundane. I’d never ask DH what to get my sister. Why would he care? Regarding decorating I just tell him what I think would look good and organise it. He’s really not interested in home decor but if he strongly disagreed on a colour then I’d reconsider but I’d still organise it.
2) maybe you organise the decorating. Do all the finances; chase up issues; repairs; appliances etc. Do the lions share of the school stuff & child stuff. It’s fine to have a cleaner but are you pulling your weight in general? Maybe he wants you to do the mundane stuff; take up the slack; be autonomous and not run everything by him but just crack on and do it? Could that be it?”

This with bells on. You said you didn’t want him to “get away with” not doing any housework but, if that’s your attitude, do you not see that you’re “getting away with” not earning any money to support the family? It just sounds like you both have a fairly unhealthy attitude to each other.

Maybe he regards the ‘mundane’ stuff as your job, since all the kids are at school and there’s a cleaner for 12 hours a week? I think I’d want you to decide on birthday presents too.

And you’ve had three holidays.

Exactly this

Harsh, but true

They’re holidays. You live a life of luxury and you can’t see it. I’m not surprised he’s resentful. I’m sorry OP but I think this one may be on you.

If your kids are at school all day and you’ve outsourced the cleaning what do you do with your time OP?

Get a job....

He’s probably fed up of you sitting on your arse all day while he’s working and paying for TWELVE hours of cleaning. I would be too if I were him. And he’s probably resentful of you having 3 holidays when he only gets one. And now you’re spending this holiday coming up with more ways to spend the money HE earns. And you wonder why he’s snapping at you? Ok he could improve his communication style, but just try to see the arrangement from his side.

Time to get yourself a job.

It sounds like he is resentful of the easy life you have.
To be honest I can see why he wouldn't be interested in what to buy for your sisters birthday present .
And if he has no interest in home decor sounds like he's happy to leave you to it.
Maybe you need to work / have an interest outside of the home?
Also why isn't going on holiday with your sister and parents a proper holiday?

OP, it struck me that the situations and conversations you mention involve spending money.

What else do you talk about with your husband, other than the children and things that involve spending money?

Are you quite sure that his (and thus your family's) financial situation is a solid as you'd hope?

This doesn't sound like he's very happy, OP. And I'd agree that he doesn't appear to even like you anymore.

He may well be prepping to get out - or he's seen that the grass is greener. I really would look at getting some financial independence and pretty soon.

64% think the OP is being unreasonable. What is wrong with people?
How can it ever be acceptable to tell your partner to STFU?

@Gilbertwasawuss nailed it with the first post.
It sounds like he has checked out of the relationship and has no respect for you. I’m sorry to write that, , but this is what comes across from the information in your post.

i agree with others. I’d start looking for a job asap as a start.