Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

344 replies

GreenMoose · 26/08/2024 12:42

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
ChynaS · 31/08/2024 17:51

GreenMoose · 26/08/2024 16:31

I am happy. He is happy, as well, as long as I don't mention / highlight any things / problems to him. Its this stuff that bothers me. He will snap and then expect me to be ok 30 mins later.

Show quote history

Oh he is not happy with you and I don't think anyone could, you are entitled arn't you.

LeoOakley · 27/08/2024 16:59

zingally · 27/08/2024 16:12

I'll bite.

Personally, I'd love to hear his side of this.
You're a SAHM, but have a 12 hour a week cleaner, and you're on your third holiday of the year. You don't have a job because "oh, my mental health!"

He's trying to enjoy his one holiday of the year, and you're yakking about decorating (something else to spend money on), and asking him about your sisters birthday. Personally, I couldn't give a single rats arse what my DH gets his sister for her birthday.

Yes, he hasn't been very nice to you, it it doesn't sound like the relationship is on to a winner at the moment. But I think he's at least somewhat justified in his frustration.

Not sure what you are biting

Most have said same.

Normallynumb · 27/08/2024 16:28

He doesn't even like you
You wouldn't even treat a friend this way would you?
I think he resents the " easy life" you have which he is working hard to pay for( his perception)
It's not about the holidays
Was the cleaner for 12 hours pw a typo?
He's bitter
I suggest you find a FT job( if you want to stay)
IMO There is no way back from Contempt.

zingally · 27/08/2024 16:12

I'll bite.

Personally, I'd love to hear his side of this.
You're a SAHM, but have a 12 hour a week cleaner, and you're on your third holiday of the year. You don't have a job because "oh, my mental health!"

He's trying to enjoy his one holiday of the year, and you're yakking about decorating (something else to spend money on), and asking him about your sisters birthday. Personally, I couldn't give a single rats arse what my DH gets his sister for her birthday.

Yes, he hasn't been very nice to you, it it doesn't sound like the relationship is on to a winner at the moment. But I think he's at least somewhat justified in his frustration.

KirstenBlest · 27/08/2024 16:11

@HarrytheHobbit , she looks after the 2 sets of parents too. They might be frail, or they might be sprightly 60 yr-olds who are in full-time work, or a mix of both.

It does sound like OP's world and conversation is limited to family and home.

YellowphantGrey · 27/08/2024 16:10

HarrytheHobbit · 27/08/2024 15:34

If you have a cleaner for 12 hours a week and the children are in school what exactly do you do?

She's already answered this.

She does the school run and life admin.

I'd love to know what life admin takes up 6 hours a day, 5 days a week though.

YellowphantGrey · 27/08/2024 16:09

Life2Short4Nonsense · 26/08/2024 20:00

She is lazy. Pointing out she is the female equivalent of a cock lodger isn't mysoginistic.

It's the equivalent of "yeah, but....", which plenty of posters on this thread have done as well.

The OP talks about how her husband talks to her and so many posters go "yeah, but you don't/do xyz."

That's the very definition of excusing his ratty behavior. Op's efforts in home, or lack thereof, are a different topic. It has nothing to do his yelling, open contempt or his inability to deal with his issues like an adult.

Show quote history

I'm not excusing either of their behaviour. Simply pointing out, as others have, that snapping and shouting etc often comes before a breakdown.

I couldn't imagine living with such a lazy toad. One who does nothing but school runs?!

I'd swear at her too. Though I'm thinking it's got an element of fairy tale to it as its not too dissimilar to a post the other day where the situations were reversed and everyone told the poster the sahp parent should be grateful they can stay at home parent.

AutumnCrow · 27/08/2024 15:52

I rest my case.

HarrytheHobbit · 27/08/2024 15:48

@Kirstenblest

Oh yes. She seems to do bugger all.

KirstenBlest · 27/08/2024 15:40

@HarrytheHobbit , OP has already answered that question.

HarrytheHobbit · 27/08/2024 15:34

If you have a cleaner for 12 hours a week and the children are in school what exactly do you do?

Dweetfidilove · 27/08/2024 15:18

He absolutely should not be speaking to you like that so don't let him get away with it.

That aside, your conversations sound dull and annoying, so I cam understand why he doesn't want to engage.

LeoOakley · 27/08/2024 15:09

Telling you to STFU is so contemptuous and reductive. I would be upset too OP.

But I also think there is a lot of truth to what many posters are saying...

You are boring to him and he has lost respect for you, is probably tired of your focus on the household minutiae, and doesn't see you as an equal partner in a partnership.

If you think it's not a big deal and he is usually respectful and engaged then ok, only you know better - and why you posted here.

In your shoes, I really would look to be getting back to work and getting an identity outside of your home.

Naunet · 27/08/2024 14:02

redskydarknight · 26/08/2024 13:03

Clearly it's not great that he is snapping and telling you to stfu.

However, from his point of view, you are a SAHM with all children at school, you have a cleaner to do a huge proportion of the household work, you go on more holidays than he does, and yet you are still bothering him to ask about presents for your sister (generally the MN trope is that people should sort presents for their own side of the family) and interrrupting his sole holiday to talk about household things.

I agree with PP, you need to rebalance your relationship. Most obviously this would be by you going back to work. Alternatively you need to pick up all the remaining household grunt work, so he doesn't have to worry at all.

I was with you up until this:

and yet you are still bothering him to ask about presents for your sister

Since when did men paying for things mean they didn’t have to put any effort into their relationship and not even have general chit chat? She’s not a prostitute, she’s his wife for god sake.

Alli88 · 27/08/2024 13:14

Wow! Can't say I blame him to be honest. Living with someone so selfish and entitled while he's working and providing for the family must be hard going. Take a long hard look at yourself!

AutumnCrow · 27/08/2024 13:08

Wishimaywishimight · 27/08/2024 12:48

But "caring" for them could mean anything from popping in to say hello to taking them to a medical appointment to bathing / dressing and cooking for them - a huge variation in terms of time and effort.

Show quote history

Which is indeed why I asked the OP if she might expand on this. But I think now that even if the OP does return, her response would likely be lost in the noisy churn of the river of replies that flow through AIBU-on-the-App like a storm surge.

Wishimaywishimight · 27/08/2024 12:48

AutumnCrow · 27/08/2024 11:37

Why do posters keep asking what the OP does all day?

She explained ages ago (although she would have been better off explaining it in her opening post, and avoiding AIBU, clearly). Anyway, it includes caring for her in-laws (presumably Mr STFU's parents), and her own parents. So that's three generations of people she's providing and organising unpaid care for.

But "caring" for them could mean anything from popping in to say hello to taking them to a medical appointment to bathing / dressing and cooking for them - a huge variation in terms of time and effort.

AutumnCrow · 27/08/2024 11:37

Why do posters keep asking what the OP does all day?

She explained ages ago (although she would have been better off explaining it in her opening post, and avoiding AIBU, clearly). Anyway, it includes caring for her in-laws (presumably Mr STFU's parents), and her own parents. So that's three generations of people she's providing and organising unpaid care for.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 27/08/2024 11:29

Team DH here, he works hard, is great with the kids, supports you not working, pays for a cleaner, lets you go off on extra holidays while he's working and on his only holiday you want to talk about home decorating.

I think you need some other interests so that you can talk about other things than the house and what to buy your relatives as a birthday gift. Get a job, do volunteering, do something to get you out of the rut.

Greydays3 · 27/08/2024 11:03

I cannot fathom a marriage where STFU is spoken between you.
So nasty and disrespectful.
I am married decades and think this is the stuff of abusive relationships.
He neither likes, loves, nor respects you.
Time to sit down and talk about whether he actually wants to be married if basic conversation between you is so difficult.
He is also unpleasant towards your children?
Awful behaviour.
Stop tolerating this.
Get married counselling but look at returning to work as it sounds as if he has completely checked out.

Tidesoftime · 27/08/2024 10:42

A cleaner for 12 hours a week !

Op what do you do during the day ?

Louloulouenna · 27/08/2024 10:09

12 hours of cleaning is insane. We line in a 9000 square foot very old house and the most I ever had was 4 hours a week. Now all the kids are in school I have no cleaner and only sporadic help in the garden.

I've never expected my dh to do housework as such as he works full time.

caringcarer · 27/08/2024 09:50

I'd cut the cleaner back to 4 hours a week and start doing more housework yourself. Your DC are all at school so what do you do every day? You could go back to work part time. If my DH spoke to me like that with no respect he'd be binned off, but he would never do so. On holiday we enjoy chatting with each other.

StolenChanel · 27/08/2024 08:39

namechange9357 · 27/08/2024 08:21

What if one spouse earns enough that the family doesn’t need more money to sustain its lifestyle, and the two spouses agree together that the less high earner should be an SAHP so that the children don’t have to have a nanny / to go to extended day provision / the breadwinner can make whatever work plans they need to without having to juggle their spouse’s work schedule?

it’s all well and good to say “get a job” but there isn’t a world of employers out there that are looking for people who can work 9:30 - 2:30 in term time.

I was an SAHM and have been incredibly fortunate to find a part time job that uses my skills and that I can do from home and is flexible around school and the children’s clubs. It pays the minimum wage. I don’t think DH would give a shit if I gave it up as it is totally immaterial to our family finances. I do it because I enjoy it and it allows me to buy him presents that he didn’t pay for himself, pay for my own hobbies etc. If I do something nice for myself when the kids are at school he doesn’t think I am lazy because he actually appreciates the sacrifices I have made for his career.

True, getting a job might not be necessary or straightforward, but I think cutting down the 12 hours of paid cleaning a week and doing some of the household stuff herself instead of recuperating from getting the children ready for school for 6 hours a day could be a start.

StolenChanel · 27/08/2024 08:35

mealienpleasehelp · 26/08/2024 23:40

as the saying goes, 'if you have to say it, if you have to spell it out, don't bother, don't say it'

What a saying. Trips right off the tongue.

😂