Mums of sons. (Hard hat on for this)

Also OP, if you do have a son or sons of your own, there's a distinct possibility they'll grow up to be arseholes too. That applies to all of our boys. We all hope they won't, and we do our best, but just look at the influences in the outside world and what we have to compete with. Toxic masculinity is everywhere. Some of our sons have been unlucky enough to grow up with it in their own homes - mine did, sounds like yours have too.

Men and MILs can do nothing right on Mumsnet.

I've regularly tried to point out where responses have been the polar opposite of what the same poster/s would have said had the OP been about a woman, but I get shot down every time, by people who can't think past their prejudice.

Likewise when I defend a MIL, I get 'accused of' being a MIL. I'm not. I only have daughters and sons in law, but I can still see where a MIL is being treated unfairly.

It maddens me sometimes. You can't defend a man/most men without the instant NAMALT accusation. But the fact is that it isn't all men, illogically blaming all men for the actions of a few, is wrong, and the same people would be infuriated by a blanket criticism of women by a man

For instance, upthread, someone is justifying having a go at a hapless guy who asked for help here, by saying 'but men kill women, so what's a bit of an insult on a forum'.
Well unless that guy had actually killed a woman, or intends to, that logic is barking mad.

I agree with you OP. MN is famous for double standards.
One poster complained that her partner was a Mummy's boy ( a favourite term of abuse to simultaneously put down a man and an older woman.) She followed by saying that she wasn't happy with him on holiday and wanted her Mum.

It is possible to hold in tension that men are responsible for violence against women at a rate which is frightening, that men are socialised - however inadvertently - in ways which hamper gender equality, and that individual men in our lives are thoughtful, allies, and doing their own work to make the world better for women.

The older I become, the more my opinion of men declines. I’m never surprised to hear anything negative about any men anymore. The relationships around me are all unequal. The ones where men are loving husbands or involved fathers, the women still do more and are recognized less. I do not have any sons.

I grew up with 2 brothers and 8 close male cousins, I have a son and 3 of my friends have 8 male only offspring. I don’t know the intimate details of these guys relationships but, 2 of the men have divorced abusive wives and a third looks like he is in a controlling relationship. So, OP, I agree that there seems to be an awful lot of hate for men on here, without weighing up pros and cons. I do worry about my son and how he will stand up for himself against women like some of those on this site. A thread started yesterday by a man asking if it was reasonable to ask his MiL to increase her household contribution became very nasty with personal comments very quickly, had this been a woman posting I doubt many of those posters would have bothered replying.

I see what the Op is saying, but I don't think she's entirely right.

There was a thread a few days ago with a mum of young children who wanted to bring her brother who had been a drug user to live with them, and the dh wasn't keen. The thread, at the time I saw it, was full of "you're a hero" "ignore your dh" "you're doing a wonderful thing". Whereas I am sure I've seen similar where it's the dh's relative and it's "if he does it then leave, he's not respecting you" "tell him it's a deal breaker" "not fair on the children" etc.

So there is an aspect that there are double standards, and I don't think the difference was simply different people answering.

But equally well swapping the roles doesn't always make an equal situation. For example when the dc were little if dm had wanted to move in next door, it would have been very different than if mil had wanted to, just for the simple reason that I was a sahm and so I'd have been dealing with whichever most of the time.
Actually I wouldn't have wanted either next door, because I like my space but I would have found it far easier to have dm that then mil, simply because I know her better.

I just made a similar comparison to the comment you responded to (I hadn't seen their's before I posted), and yes it is textbook double standard.

Reddit, fill your boots.

I’ve left that site for good so I don’t fancy going back to find you specific sub-forums, but it’s not exactly hard to find.

A single man got called a rapist on her because he saw a professional escort.
My comment was.
If a woman is doing a job she likes and wants to do and not hurting any one thats ok on MN. But if a man pays this woman and shes happy to do so because thats her job he`s called a rapist.
If a woman cheats she is told by MN to keep it to her self and say nothing if a man cheats hes scum.
MN is very bitter and two faced.
And half of the women on here cant clean up there homes because they have a child they must have cleaners.
Some dont want anything to do with an ex but very happy to chase him for money that never seems to be enough and want more.
The list goes on.

I'm pretty cynical about men and especially the way they act in relationships. This based on my own history and that of literally hundreds of not thousands of women IRL and online. On here, I'll point out arsehole behaviour from men if I spot it, and I spot it a lot.

I have a male partner and two adult sons. The existence of good men in the world (if indeed my sons are good men, the signs are there but it's a bit early to say for sure!) doesn't preclude me from understanding that many women suffer at the hands of men.

FWIW the reaction to that thread from the Irish OP was nuts, some of those posters would find red flags in a litter of labrador puppies.

I'm pretty sure this is the sort of childish prejudice the OP is talking about.

You see it a lot on MN, mostly with regards to men but also with regards to other races, religions and cultures.

None of it acceptable behaviour and generally just shines a light on ignorance.

Try going on male-dominated SM spaces and see how they talk about women with each other. It is GRIM. These posts you’re complaining about are nothing by comparison.

The menz are so lucky to have you defending them.

Wholeheartedly with you on this one OP. I get really worked up reading some of the threads and then remember it’s just internet. I’m sure guys are the same if not worse on their side of it. When it comes to life it’s a bit different though.

Anyway, settling down with popcorn 🍿

I know what you mean. There are a lot of shitty men out there, however on MN, if a man isn't bowing down to everything his OH wants and treating her like a fragile princess or dares to have a mind of his own, a lot of posters jump on it to tear him down. We also do only get one side of the story and it's not very often I think we're getting an accurate account. There are women who post here and I genuinely believe their perspectives are accurate (normally when it comes to children and an uneven share of the load with childcare/housework/careers on hold) but often others make themselves sound like they're these perfect, can do no wrong and being treated oh so badly when their spouse doesn't agree with them or do exactly what they want them too

I assume this is the post to which you are referring, where you gave examples of double standards

'The double standards on here are huge. A woman posts and says her DH isnt intimate with her, he's automatically cheating, addicted to porn, mentally abusive, and a wanker. She's not the problem.

A man posts on here saying his wife isn't intimate anymore, and he's berated, called all the names under the sun and the woman should LTB'.

To which I will say again,
That's not double standards though, unless a poster is literally posting your first example on one thread, and the same poster is posting your second example on another. If that is happening, yeah, definite double standards. But I think it's primarily just different people having different opinions.

You meant to weaponsie people's trauma and use it as a stick to heat women with, but with no ill intent? Ok, then.

@Daniagainagainagainagain
Mumset is really full of man haters.
There was a post where someone suggested rounding them up and exterminating them all.

It was allowed to stand.

Had the person said “ Let’s exterminate ( insert religious group here) it would be pulled, but wanting 50 percent of population exterminated was allowed.

I agree there are a lot of very angry unhinged people on MN who detest men AND mother in laws and ex wives.

Very bizarre!

I think it’s just far more common to be in or to be exposed to bad relationships, or even if not bad, very unequal at the least.

It is typically women who carry the additional loads: mental, childcare, home etc

So no not all men are abusive, not all men are passive fathers, not all men refuse pull their weight in the relationships, some clearly do, but it’s very much the exception not the rule!!

Given the above is not surprising that we hear so much negativity about men, anyone with a brain knows it’s not ALL men, it’s just A LOT of them!