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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mums of sons. (Hard hat on for this)

637 replies

Daniagainagainagainagain · 26/08/2024 12:36

Apologies for the grabby title. I've NC'd for this as I have a few running threads currently with very outing and personal details on.

Anyway back to the point.
I see SO many threads on here where the topic about the thread is about a guy. It's not even necessarily bad about the bloke in question, but so many many posters just seem to hate men. Not give them the benefit of the doubt. Tear them a new arsehole for merely posting on MN asking for advice. There was a thread recently about a woman seeing a really nice guy, a gentlemen as she described him where he had been separated for literally YEARS but wasn't divorced. Turns out there were cultural differences meaning divorce in that country is very rare. People kept saying 'throw him back in the sea' 'he's a liar' one poster called him a wanker.. there was no evidence that he was a wanker and the OP seemed happy with the guy. Just more people clutching for their moment to berate men. It's always the guys fault on here no matter what.

It's always the same posters more often than not berating men, shooting them down, and just hating them. I wonder, do these women posters have sons? If so, do you think your sons are exempt from such awful insults because 'my boy would never'? I can't imagine these posters talking about their sons like that. So do you pick and choose, is it one rule for your sons and one for all other men?

Before it labelled being 'cool' I have just got out of a 10 year abusive relationship where ex cheated multiple times to the point of police involvement. I am not naive to think some of these guys deserve what they get.

AIBU? To think there's huge double standards? To call strangers with no reason to, wankers, but to also think the son shines out of your son's arses?

I know I'll probably ruffle some feathers but I'd genuinely like to know. And yes I have DC.

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littleredbumblebee · 04/09/2024 13:33

I know many decent men including my husband and most of my friends partners and my own brothers. I know 2 real dickheads and have met in passing some real dickheads. Also met nice men in passing (well what seem to be nice men)

Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 13:30

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Starlingexpress · 04/09/2024 12:18

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Original poster
Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 11:58

@Fluufer I will move on, now I've managed to prove I'm not lying. But it's a pretty shit thing to be accused of, lying about my cancer, when it's the reality of my life.

If people want to call me a liar about the name change that's one thing, but to tell me I'm lying about my diagnosis is a step too far and not so easy to move past. That was never needed. See also me being told I'm lying about my sick child, and my abusive relationship.

I won't be making any further comments on this thread. I've cleared my name, even if that was the wrong thing to do.

OP posts:
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 04/09/2024 11:32

Completely agree and as a mum of 3 sons well done for calling this out 👏

Fluufer · 04/09/2024 11:27

Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 11:11

Firstly, I'm not a dude. Secondly, I was accused of lying about cancer. Something i am living with everyday and will ultimately end my life at some point. That was because of the accidental name change.

Being told I'm lying about that is not something I can move on from easily. I guess you wouldn't know, if you're not going through it.

Show quote history

People lie on the internet all the time. People are justifiably dubious. Don't take it so personally. Name change again, and move on.

Hectorscalling · 04/09/2024 11:25

Not sure it was really worth @MNHQ dragging this up so long after posts had stopped.

Feels like an attempt at igniting the drama again. Not particularly helpful to Op, who can name change. Names don’t need clearing.

BabaYetu · 04/09/2024 11:17

Everyone is a Dude. It’s the nature of Dudeness. Haven’t you seen Finding Nemo?

finding nemo animation GIF by Disney Pixar
Original poster
Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 11:11

BabaYetu · 04/09/2024 11:09

Dude. It’s an anonymous forum. There’s no name to clear.

Firstly, I'm not a dude. Secondly, I was accused of lying about cancer. Something i am living with everyday and will ultimately end my life at some point. That was because of the accidental name change.

Being told I'm lying about that is not something I can move on from easily. I guess you wouldn't know, if you're not going through it.

OP posts:
BabaYetu · 04/09/2024 11:09

Dude. It’s an anonymous forum. There’s no name to clear.

Fluufer · 04/09/2024 11:02

Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 10:57

@Fluufer

I absolutely will prove my point, when I was accused of being a liar, and piled on by many people. Why wouldn't I?
There were posters saying 'we'll wait for mumsnet to confirm' (probably being sarcastic not believing me) but still. I'm going to clear my name when so many of you piled on me and threw accusations.

It's a week later. Move on. Stuff like this is why most posters don't constantly name change. It saves the There's no name to clear, its an anonymous forum and as we all know, you constantly name change. Don't give it further headspace.

Original poster
Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 10:57

@Fluufer

I absolutely will prove my point, when I was accused of being a liar, and piled on by many people. Why wouldn't I?
There were posters saying 'we'll wait for mumsnet to confirm' (probably being sarcastic not believing me) but still. I'm going to clear my name when so many of you piled on me and threw accusations.

OP posts:
Fluufer · 04/09/2024 10:41

Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 10:28

Yep, but when I was posting screenshots proving my case, the pile on shouldn't have got even worse.

And yes the mumsnet site stuff confirms it is impossible, there are, however, glitches in systems, as everybody knows on this site. And I wasn't flippant about women getting murdered. I have said multiple times that it's heartbreaking, and I've said I'm sorry for anyone who is personally affected by that. Perhaps you don't see those posts.

Don't drag it back up. There's really no point. It was really odd to name change, but the conversation moved on, it doesn't need to be dragged back up. Let it go.

Original poster
Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 10:28

Yep, but when I was posting screenshots proving my case, the pile on shouldn't have got even worse.

And yes the mumsnet site stuff confirms it is impossible, there are, however, glitches in systems, as everybody knows on this site. And I wasn't flippant about women getting murdered. I have said multiple times that it's heartbreaking, and I've said I'm sorry for anyone who is personally affected by that. Perhaps you don't see those posts.

OP posts:
BabaYetu · 04/09/2024 10:17

I didn’t believe you about the genuine error because Mumsnet Site Stuff said it wasn’t possible. I am sorry for not believing you. However, as MN had supposedly made it impossible to do, I think that was a reasonable position to take.

I didn’t accuse you of anything else bar being extremely disrespectful and dismissive of those of us who knew and cared about women murdered by men in your flippant post about it.

Original poster
Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 10:12

I doubt anybody will be back to say sorry though. :)

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Original poster
Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 10:12

@ImSoExited
@LuminousCrystalFox
@alldayeveryday247
@Starlingexpress
@BabaYetu

Those were the posters who jumped on me and wouldn't believe me about the genuine error. I explained why I name changed in the thread. I didn't think I was coming back so I changed my name. I had a glitch on my account where it didn't default back to the username on this thread. This caused posters to tell me I am lying about my cancer, my abusive relationship and my sick child.

It just goes to show, sometimes you need to give the OP the benefit of the doubt before piling on. I'm not justifying the things I said, but I wasn't lying and when people were accusing me of such above, I'm going to fight back and be hurt at the accusations.

I hope that MN post below puts it to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 10:06

There we are, I was called a liar for posting from different accounts. MN have confirmed I was not. It was an innocent mistake and I forgot to change my name on this thread.

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Original poster
Daniagainagainagainagain · 04/09/2024 10:05

@BernardBlacksBreakfastWine
@Fluufer
@DickEmery
@RareBears
@angeldelite
@im

OP posts:
MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 03/09/2024 12:17

Daniagainagainagainagain · 27/08/2024 12:43

Doesn't work for YOU.
As I've said, I've tagged MN to confirm.

Before you start assuming things just because they don't work for YOU, maybe do the same and tag them, so they can come along and confirm.

Much appreciated.

Show quote history

Hi there,
Just to confirm that it is the case that this was one poster using two nicknames, as has been stated several times by the poster herself.

SquirrelMadness · 29/08/2024 00:09

@Daniagainagainagainagain if you do come back to this thread, just wanted to say that I'm sorry for all that you've been through and for all that you are still going through.

All the best to you and thank you for updating the thread.

There are really good men out there. I think the best way to find them is to develop and keep strong boundaries.

Original poster
Daniagainagainagainagain · 28/08/2024 19:25

I just want to apologise if I offended anybody by the thread / some of my questions / comments.

I do have quite a sharp tongue and I'm working on it. I think I'm going to leave this here now as I've obvious got a lot of work to do. So this thread hasn't been all pointless. I am sorry to anybody who has known anyone who has sadly lost their lives or been seriously injured by men. I was never not sorry and I would never minimise what that is like. I selfishly got lapped up in the thread and didn't give that section of it the attention it deserved, which made me come across very heartless and for that I am sorry.

I've been called a lot of things on this thread, but I am a good mum. My little girl has been the only thing to get me through the last few years. I want to make the world a better place for her, and I realise trying to be every man's friend is not going to do that.

The only person who I won't say sorry to, was the person who accused me of lying about my cancer, domestic abuse and sexual assault. All I have to say to that, is I hope you never have to go through that.

I'll leave this here now, thank you for all the responses good and bad. Definitely food for thought.

One last thing, I promise I was telling the truth about the name change. I do (somehow) have the ability to name change in the same thread. Which I innocently did as I name change after every thread I do. I did that thinking I was coming back to this thread but alas, I was back. I'm sorry for the confusion that caused.

Thanks again peeps, have a good eve and I'll leave this here.

OP posts:
5128gap · 28/08/2024 19:12

It makes perfect sense OP. You are looking for ways to navigate the world that means you don't need to fear men. Keeping your enemy close and turning men into equal victims is a way to neutralise the threat. There are other ways though, the main one being to talk about the issues openly and honestly so that collectively we can try to generate solutions. You have heard from various mothers of sons what they're doing to work towards that for example. You have heard what women are asking good men to do and what many of them are doing. Don't push other women away. There is a lot of strength to be found from us, the sharing of our experiences and the support we can give each other.

Hectorscalling · 28/08/2024 19:09

Daniagainagainagainagain · 28/08/2024 18:26

'Your daughter has a much bigger chance of a man hurting her and him still not facing consequences. Your daughter, who actually exists, is far more at risk. But your concern is women on mumsnet might not like men.'

@Hectorscalling you've assumed a lot about me in that extremely judgemental post, but I ask you to please don't judge or assume my parenting and make out I am naive to the fact I have a daughter and seem blinded by the risks. Believe you me, I'm absolutely not. I was sexually abused as a child. I was also sexually abused by a boss at a previous place of work. I am FULLY aware thank you. I keep repeating the same thing, I'm talking and asking questions because I'm INTERESTED. That does not make me naive to the risks of being a little girl in this world. I am protecting my daughter as best as I can. I am an educated woman and a good mother at that. Just because I started a thread about this topic, it doesn't mean I don't care about the other. I have explained so many times now that I KNOW the world is a tougher place for women. I think you forget that I'm a woman myself.

I shouldn't have to be made to feel like a shit parent and not protecting my daughter because I'm choosing to speak about and ask questions about a certain subject.

Yes I am judging what you wrote. Just as you are judging what I wrote. How would this forum work otherwise?

Your opening posts and several other posters have been immensely hostile to women. Especially the ‘do you personally know any women who have been murdered by their partner?’ (Paraphrasing) you have given reasons. But no reason to say why you didn’t address people who do in fact know women who have been murdered by their partner.

You won’t answer why it matters if any of us know these women personally. They were still real people with lives and family’s and futures. Whether we know them or not.

You give examples where men have been treated badly as though that neutralised the very real risk to women, from men. You have consistently used misogynistic comments. You have suffered a lot of abuse in your life, presumably from men. Yet, started a thread from a very confrontational view point, telling women they should be nicer to men. Then used male suicide rates as proof being a man is so hard we should ignore the huge issues and be nice to them.

It’s good that you are going to look further into help. Because while I am sure you are doing your best, it’s not good for girls to be brought up in a mindset that’s rooted in misogyny and prioritising men and their feelings. Which you are doing, seemingly, unconsciously. And wanted women to explain to you why they don’t (that’s the basis of the thread).

Internalised misogyny is very very real and does real damage to women and girls. Especially, when women don’t realise they are doing it. You may not be naive to the risks men pose. But you still think their feelings should be a priority.

I hope you get support and get put the real work in. Pp is right, you may just want to believe that most men are good. That makes you very vulnerable. And by extension makes your child vulnerable.

Original poster
Daniagainagainagainagain · 28/08/2024 19:02

@Fluufer @5128gap thank you both. Yes, some reflection is on the cards for sure.

I'm going to carefully broach the subject with my therapist next week. One of the threads running (hence the frequent name change) is under my username @conacopiaoflove and the title is something like TW: child sexual abuse do I report it. As I've been unsure whether to do just that and it's messing with my head a bit.

It's actually something that's been taking over my mind recently as I was only very young, and since having my little girl it's brought up old wounds. It's something I'm working on. Perhaps there is a link there with starting this thread and defending the menz.

I realise I've hugely outed myself now which is something I didn't want to do, with my cancer details and now that other thread. I've only linked here to show that I really do know about sexual abuse, and what women and girls go through. I never wanted to minimise it or anyone's experience.

I guess I deep down would like to understand men more, and be seen to be on their side, so maybe they're then not as threatening to me. I don't know if this is making any sense, it's not really making any sense in my head but I'm trying to explain the best I can

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