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Original poster

He says I can't meet his friends until I get a promotion??

818 replies

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 10:41

I have been seeing someone for around a year now. We are exclusive and see each other twice a week or so.
He has been on a beach trip with my friends but seemed awkward but got over the initial awkwardness.
He talks about marriage, moving in together and has told his family about me.

This weekend we went for a meal for their birthday. I had made a big fuss for their day, organising a cake, gifts and took them to a fancy restaurant. I thought he enjoyed it.

He then was talking about some party he is planning to hold, and i said how great it would be to finally meet his friends. He went all sketchy and said how he didnt want that to happen just yet. I asked him why and he couldnt really answer me. He told me he could possibly introduce me once I had a promotion at work so then he could show off my role. (We are both in the same profession).

He then went on during the night saying how I am very full on and he doesnt like it - he wants to wait five years for kids (I don't) and that I should be focusing on my career. He was complaining how I want to get married and he wants to wait. He was the one who bought it all up.

I am so hurt by all of these things. I thought we were on the same page and he just has made me feel terrible. I feel like why bring all of this up on his birthday night... Im not sure how to respond but havent spoken to him since as I am just so upset and done.

OP posts:
Kittensat36 · 26/08/2024 12:03

LookItsMeAgain · 26/08/2024 11:26

Here's a suggested text that you could send him (though I do particularly like the one that @Edingril came up with):

Hi Dan, I've been thinking a lot since the restaurant and I don't think there is any future in a relationship between us. We clearly have very different ideas of what is important, so I wish you all the best but I do not want to continue our relationship and I don't want to see you again. All the best - @Burritowrap "

The nuclear option is always tempting, but I like this. Classy.

Almost like a rejection letter for an applicant who didn't get the promotion.....

Borrowedtime · 26/08/2024 12:02

I’m sorry Op, but to have been dating a year and not have met his friends is a big red flag to me. Is there a large age difference?

Turnitoffnonagain · 26/08/2024 12:02

He's an arsehole, you seem like a nice person, therefore not compatible. LTB ASAP.

LlynTegid · 26/08/2024 12:02

Some men deserve never to be married (some women too, though not the point of this thread). He is one of them.

Dumping him in person would show you are dignified. Ending by text or email is a bit cowardly, unless your safety could be compromised (no suggestion of that).

RandomMess · 26/08/2024 12:01

I'd string him along, get your promotion, meet his mates and then dump him 😆

What a knob.

LAMPS1 · 26/08/2024 12:01

It’s no wonder you are sad and confused and feel let down.

But it’s terrific that you finally know who he is and what he wants so that you don’t spend any more time or energy or emotion on him.
You end the relationship right now.
Send a text …he deserves no more than that.
“I’ve finally realised we aren’t compatible. Have a good life. Goodbye”

HowToSaveAWife · 26/08/2024 12:00

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 11:48

Yes he is 44 now. Never had kids or married. I am younger, I am working on my career to be a Headteacher and I am a few years off.
Ideally I wanted to have kids before I get into headship, as I am currently deputy head and want to balance being with my family. He said I could just get a nanny to raise them and focus on my career. I felt like crying during the meal as I have made things very clear that I am looking for a partner that wants a family/marriage.

Because he's an asshole. Don't waste one second more on him, he's not changing now.

"We don't want the same things so unfortunately this doesn't work for me any longer. Best of luck!"

And block.

CowTown · 26/08/2024 12:00

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 11:48

Yes he is 44 now. Never had kids or married. I am younger, I am working on my career to be a Headteacher and I am a few years off.
Ideally I wanted to have kids before I get into headship, as I am currently deputy head and want to balance being with my family. He said I could just get a nanny to raise them and focus on my career. I felt like crying during the meal as I have made things very clear that I am looking for a partner that wants a family/marriage.

So….he wants to START having a family at nearly 50? Does that sound like a reasonable, well-thought-out plan to you, @Burritowrap , or do you think he’s just throwing out a random number, way down the line, to get you to stop thinking about it now? Why do I have a strong feeling this guy WON’T be wanting kids in 5 years’ time? I think he’s Future Faking you. ‘We can do x once you meet this career milestone.” “We can do x in 5 years.” What is he offering you TODAY, seeing that you’ve now given him one year of your life?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/08/2024 11:59

Time for a bit of Maya Angelou’s wisdom
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Wishimaywishimight · 26/08/2024 11:59

Give yourself 10 mins to feel sad and hurt then text and tell him (in whatever language you prefer to use) that either "this is no longer what I want" or "fuck off you absolute bell-end and do not contact me again".

This is not the man for you. Quite honestly, this is not the man for any woman.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 26/08/2024 11:59

He’s not husband material, my dh couldn’t wait to introduce me to people he loved it because he thought I was amazing.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/08/2024 11:58

I'd bet your promotion that he has been married. In fact, I'd bet he still is!

GogAndMagog · 26/08/2024 11:58

What @GreyCarpet said, dignified dumping is the way to go.

Then you live the best life.

bridgetreilly · 26/08/2024 11:57

This is someone who does not actually want to be with you, OP.

Redegg · 26/08/2024 11:55

Sorry but this one is over isn’t it? In fact, I’m not sure it would’ve lasted more than two minutes after he told me I could only meet his friends if I got promoted.

CowTown · 26/08/2024 11:55

Burritowrap · 26/08/2024 11:44

Exactly. He said we could have seperate parties. One for my friends and me and then one for his friends.

Something’s not adding up. Another GF? A wife?

ChampagneLassie · 26/08/2024 11:55

@Burritowrap kindly he is messing you about and seems to have 0 care for you. I don’t think I’d even bother to engage further. I’d just ghost him. The things he said were so offensive and hurtful. He doesn’t think enough of you to introduce you to his friends…he’s not going to marry you and have kids with you. Don’t waste any more time on him. If you feel you must I’d send a very short message saying that it’s clear you’re not compatible and wish him a good life. Please don’t waste more time or energy on this man. Luck your rounds and get back out there. Set your bar higher from outset and be upfront about what you want. Men who want it too will come towards you. Men who don’t will run away.

HappierTimesAhead · 26/08/2024 11:55

RUN for the hills! Sorry @Burritowrap he is a wanker and there is no coming back from this.

SaraSosej · 26/08/2024 11:54

This is just strange behaviour to say the least! You’d have met his friends from the get go if he liked you. He’s either not into you or hiding something. Just get rid, what a weirdo!

SophieJo · 26/08/2024 11:54

Sounds like he’s saying you’re not good enough yet! He’s not going to be the one for you.

CuteCillian · 26/08/2024 11:54

Honestly, in twelve months time you will look back on this and be so delighted you dumped him.

ConsuelaHammock · 26/08/2024 11:54

He doesn’t sound like good husband material. Why were you attracted to him when you met? Also don’t think of it as wasting a year of your life with him , think of it as saving yourself from another 5 years before he tells you children are off the table and he leaves you. And gets another woman pregnant within a year.
He doesn’t care about you enough if you haven’t met his friends and he most definitely doesn’t love you if he isn’t already proud of you.

DarkForces · 26/08/2024 11:53

You sound like a fantastic partner. Independent and thoughtful with a clear idea of what you want. You deserve so much better than this waste of air

MrsPostmanPat · 26/08/2024 11:53

He needs demoting from boyfriend to ex.

AmberAlert86 · 26/08/2024 11:52

It's not about the promotion is it?
He's looking for excuses not to introduce you to his friends (let's wait for promotion must've been first reason that popped into his head). He's clearly hiding something.
1 year relationship and did you meet ANY of his friends or family? Meeting only twice a week??
Have you been on holiday together?