He says I can't meet his friends until I get a promotion??

Yes it seems to be the case that a lot of deputy heads are the safeguarding lead. Whether or not that is the case for the op, it is concerning that someone who most definitely will have had extensive safeguarding training due to their job is unable to spot the red flags when it comes to themselves.

44 and doesn't want people to know his age? Has he got a good head of hair? If you see him to tell him that's the end, make sure you give his hair a good tug. It'll come off in your hand, leaving him nearly bald.

He wants to wait until he's 49 to have kids translates to he never wants to have kids. You're not on the same page. Don't waste any more time. This relationship isn't going where you thought it was.

I wouldn’t even be on MN, I would be on the phone dumping the idiot
In fact, I wouldn’t even waste my breath, I would send the fucker a WhatsApp message

@Mumofnarnia sorry I must have missed your post, you’re spot on about safeguard leads - deputies are the leads in my DC schools too, they have been ever since my eldest first went to school back in 2013. My youngest has finally reached school age and it’s just the same even in our new local authority so I’m assuming it’s the same across all of the local authorities.

Goodbye little boy

seriously 😟

44?! Bloody hell I thought he was about 22.

I hope you have ditched him. Think back to when you could have realised this was a mistake sooner and take that forward for the future.

Bin.

One of two things is happening here.

1. He’s married
2. He’s incredibly shallow

My bets are on no. 1

To be honest, he sounds like an ex of mine. He used to say things and push stuff to see how far he could go and this was a constant in his life. As a narc, he ticked all the boxes bar none.

He used to bait me and bait me but...he had nothing else. That was his personality or what passed for one. Apart from this he was an 'empty'. No finer feelings at all. Just lived for what he could get from bouncing this shit off people.
I could cope most of the time. I left a few times but went back but when my Mum died, something changed in me and I 'saw' him and the bit of me that was attracted to him died entirely.

We were on and off over four years and lived together for six months (of hell) but I stopped going to see him and stopped with the dates, blocked and deleted and didn't respond to his two long letters. I was free.

I can see these types a mile off now though : )

Thanks for clarifying your role/plans OP. It was confusing. He's a walking red flag. You are worth much more. Dump in a way that makes this clear. Also, a text will surfice, given his appalling behaviour, whilst you were making an effort for his birthday. Doesn't want people to know his age 🤮Actually, that's a gift. Tell him he's too old and set in his ways for you.

My sister stayed for years with a man she had met through an online dating thing - both stated categorically they wanted marriage and children. Then 5 years in, by which time she was nearly 38, he told her he didn’t want kids after all.

Broke her heart. She has a lovely fiance now, 7 years later, but has to settle being a sort of step mum to his girls, who both now adults anyway.

Definite dump either way. Also concerning that he thinks a nanny can raise your child.

Yes. Absolutely this.

If he’s not physically with you now, today @Burritowrap then just text him.

just say that your ending the relationship because of his behaviour and treatment of you. If you feel like it, add that you’re disappointed in how shallow he is and that you’re worth better than that.

Now BELIEVE IN THIS! You don’t need such a dementor in your life.

I wonder if he doesn't have friends and is embarrassed about it?

He has some strange priorities and strange ideas. You don't want to be with someone who thinks you are not enough. You sound a really together person doing very well in your career and ready to start thinking abut a family. You can make plans that are practical and financial in advance but until you have a baby you won't be able to factor in the emotional aspect. You may find you want to reduce your working hours to spend more time with your baby than initially planned. He sounds quite rigid in his thinking and you want a partner that has your back and will support you when you need to switch from plan A to plan B or plan C. It's not right that he is making you unhappy and worried about a future with him. Take these as signs to rethink this relationship.

I was seeing someone for a year, we’re both older, so kids not a convo but it was serious/exclusive and supposedly heading in some kind of direction

then out of the blue (literally a month before our year together date) he drops into conversation that he’s off to a family wedding the following weekend. No mention of it at all the months HE’D clearly known about it.

then not long afterwards I was cooking something that he loved, larking about in the kitchen and said “tell me again why you’re with me..”

he replied ‘because it’s convenient’

that stung so much I couldn’t even do anything other than laugh it off.

i liked this guy! A LOT, and we were clear about this stuff.

in the days that followed, we’d got our year anniversary meal out booked, I did some thinking. I had to end it.

sure it was hard, but it was absolutely the right thing to do. I cried as I explained to him that his words meant only one thing, that we needed to break up, the exclusion from the wedding etc was another clear sign.

i knew that if i just settled for a bloke who wasn’t head over heels with me that I’d never feel loved, I’d
never have any self worth and after the shit I’d been through up to that point I deserved better.

i ended it as soon as we’d got back to my house after dinner. It was an amicable event, and I licked my own wounds afterwards

@Burritowrap for me this is exactly what I know you need to do.

you’re still at an age where you want a family etc etc, then the pressure is ON and you can’t afford to waste your time on a bloke like this.

the sooner you end this, the sooner you’ll be ready to find someone who adores you, who’s proud of who you are and wants to share it with the world.

never ever give up faith in yourself

my OH and I have been together 8 years in a couple of weeks. He adores me and is my biggest fan. We’re like 2 peas in a pod and support each other in everything we do.

he’s also a multimillionaire… so don’t short change yourself eh?

not a brag Honest, if lil ol me can find this level of happiness, you sure can too!

Ffs
loving not living

In the bin with him
he wants a trophy not a living spouse

Life is short. Toss this one back.

This. Was about to come on and say the exact same thing. Good job you’ve not wasted too much time on him.

He is using you for sex and all other strange kind of things. Honestly, just get rid of him.

I am a woman who has a job, I never had a career. So. Wanted to get married and have kids due to age. So.

Who is a man to oppose me or be rude to me when he is using my bits for his pleasure, without commitment. No way

Never has there been an easier MN LTB RUN FOR THE HILLS 🏃

As you aren’t planning to have kids just yet, would it not be better to get the promotion and work your ass off for a year or 2 and then start TTC.

You can always take a step down again but you don’t want opportunities to pass you by whilst waiting to find someone to have kids with.

Juggling kids and a new job can be difficult and so it’s best to have the job first and get your head around it and then add kids into the mix.

Honestly it doesn’t sound like he ever wanted kids - he is stringing you along. If a guy is that age and never had a serious relationship and still isn’t ready for kids they are never going to be. If you stay with him you will miss your window and he will likely leave you anyway as he’s made no signs of committing. In your 30’s you don’t have time to waste on men with peter pan personalities.