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Original poster

He doesn't want kids

33 replies

Scottishsummer91 · 26/08/2024 09:00

I'm 32, turning 33 soon. I got with DP 8 years ago and he was always very clear he doesn't want kids. I have always been on the fence but in the last year or two I have found myself questioning if I want kids. All of my friends have kids or are pregnant and its possibly shone a light on it for me. I'm not 100% sure if I want kids but I'm definitely having doubts about not having them.. would you break up if you felt like this - not 100% sure on kids but having doubts? I know he won't change his mind on this and it feels like it's not really my choice in this relationship. Although I know there is no guarantee I'd have kids even if I do leave.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 26/08/2024 09:26

Kitkatcatflap · 26/08/2024 09:22

Be careful. My friend married a man who didn't want kids. She hoped he would change his mind. - he didn't. We assumed the man mattered more than having children. 25 years later they are divorcing and she can't get over the he fact she 'wasted her child bearing years' on this man, (her words) even though she chose to stay with him. Every conversation is 'I could have been a mum' 'If I'd had children .... they'd be'. She is NC with her sister now because she suggested counselling. It's very sad.

Committing to someone who doesn’t want kids in the hope they’ll change their mind is never a good idea.

Offcom · 26/08/2024 09:24

It is such a hard decision!

How do you feel about him otherwise? If you found out you definitely could never have children, would you be glad he was who you’re spending your life with?

Do you feel like it’s only this issue where there’s no compromise, or are there others?

Original poster
Scottishsummer91 · 26/08/2024 09:23

@RhaenysRocks that's a good point. Hope this doesn't sound silly but I think since we got a dog a few years ago it's brought out this nuturing side I suppose and I love having someone to look after. I feel a really deep bond with my dog but I know it's nothing compared to having a child and it's made me think more about what I could be missing out on. A big part of why I have been on the fence is that I'd only ever want to have a child if I felt ready and I could give them a good stable home as I didn't have that. Probably have a lot of self reflection to do on this and figure out if it's because I actually want a baby or just feeling some societal pressures.

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 26/08/2024 09:22

Be careful. My friend married a man who didn't want kids. She hoped he would change his mind. - he didn't. We assumed the man mattered more than having children. 25 years later they are divorcing and she can't get over the he fact she 'wasted her child bearing years' on this man, (her words) even though she chose to stay with him. Every conversation is 'I could have been a mum' 'If I'd had children .... they'd be'. She is NC with her sister now because she suggested counselling. It's very sad.

RhaenysRocks · 26/08/2024 09:18

The only thing that's certain is that he doesn't. And that's ok, he's not a bad person because of this. Try and ask why you might want them..is it just because everyone else is in that process and having lots of insta worthy beach pics, cute toddler birthday parties etc? Or do you feel a real, deep seated need to be a mother?

To me, it's far better to regret not having them than to regret having them, which you may if you leave what sounds like a steady and good relationship for one which gives you children but may leave you with someone who you are less suited to.

violetsparkle · 26/08/2024 09:05

It's a personal choice and you have to live with the what ifs.

medik7 · 26/08/2024 09:04

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Simonjt · 26/08/2024 09:03

I did, but I knew I wanted children, I wasn’t on the fence about it. Having doubts about not having them isn’t the same as wanting them. At nearly 33 unfortunately time is limited if you do then decide you do want children, so you could leave and quickly find someone who wants children to discover actually you don’t, or you do. Or you could leave, realise you do want them and go it alone (thats what I did with my first).