He doesn't want kids

Maybe think if you had a partner that constantly wanted children and was always asking you when; would you want one do you think? If it was a man you loved dearly and was a stable relationship………it sounds to me as though you do want children and possibly in this mind frame as you’ve set yourself up with someone who definitely doesn’t want kids, was that always both of your ideas or did you set that mind frame to keep the relationship? Personally I was never really maternal, I always had horses and I tend to find horsey women are not that interested in children, maybe the horses are their babies……… but I always knew at some point in my life I wanted to have a child as wouldn’t like to go through life without having had children…….once my first came along it changed my view on kids completely, I would have a football team if I had the money and energy……….just don’t stay in the relationship for the wrong reasons and look back on a life of regrets is my advice

I totally agree, @RhaenysRocks Childfree by choice here and no regrets whatsoever. When I see what some people are dealing with I just wonder "why???"

Thing is though, as plenty of threads on here will testify to - you can do everything right, plan ahead, spends years with a partner or husband and STILL end up being left holding the baby and muddling through as a SP or dealing with SEN or disability or a million other things that don't make the FB / Insta posts. People talk about "missing out" on motherhood like its the worst tragedy that could possibly befall a woman but as pp on here have said, there are plenty of upsides to being child free and I don't think anyone should be swayed by a FOMO. There are absolutely no guarantees in life no matter what you do. If you did decide to stay in this relationship and remain child free, there are plenty of opportunities for volunteering or working with children if you feel you have some leanings in that area. Personally, as I said before, FAR better to regret their absence than their presence and none of us on here can tell us what you really think by telling you how we feel or felt.

From all your posts, it sounds like a change is on the cards.

I was going to say to imagine he now really wanted kids and wanted to try in the next year and pretend for a full week that that decision is weighing on your shoulders. But now I wonder if that would make you feel panicky because you don't feel its the right fit.

33 is a great time to start over. You can get in a year of grieving him and dating, 2 years with Future Husband, married at 36 and start trying for 2 kids.

Even waiting til 35 to make a decision jeopardises that timeline, and a lot of that timeline is luck.

I think with having kids, you either know that you don't want them or you haven't come to terms that you do. Good luck x

Do not base having a child on how you have felt about your dog. There’s no comparison.

I agree that self reflection here is the only way to decide this. A baby is not like the wrong sized top that can be returned. Once you have a baby you're life won't be the same again.
You have the physical, mental and financial costs of bringing them up. You also need to consider how you manage as a couple if this baby has special needs. Not all special needs are visible from birth like autism.

I know several couples with sn kids and several couples that have kids with autism. I know a couple with a an sn child in there early teens who is still nappies, can barely talk, has poor sight, has seizures and the mental age of I say a toddler. They get a night a week respite and can get another few night of respite on occasion. They also have family members that can help them out.

Another lady I know is now doing locum work because her child is has autism and has a lot of appointments. She could not keep looking for mornings or afternoons off due to the appointments. She has has help from both sets of grandparents as well. Her child is improving over time but it hard going because she trying to help them and give her older child time without the younger child.

I am not saying don't have a child but to go into it being aware that things may not go according to plan. If your with a man who does not want children and you do you need to move on. Also just because your friends are having kids does not mean you should have one.

I have one child free friend who is now in her early 50's. About 10 years ago she was involved with a man and she was considering having a baby with him. They broke up and she was very upset at the time. He went no to have a baby with his new girlfriend. My friend is now happy that she did not have a child with him. She sees what her friends and family are going through with kids and the cost. Her life is a happy one being child free.

I agree that self reflection here is the only way to decide this. A baby is not like the wrong sized top that can be returned. Once you have a baby you're life won't be the same again.
You have the physical, mental and financial costs of bringing them up. You also need to consider how you manage as a couple if this baby has special needs. Not all special needs are visible from birth like autism.

I know several couples with sn kids and several couples that have kids with autism. I know a couple with a an sn child in there early teens who is still nappies, can barely talk, has poor sight, has seizures and the mental age of I say a toddler. They get a night a week respite and can get another few night of respite on occasion. They also have family members that can help them out.

Another lady I know is now doing locum work because her child is has autism and has a lot of appointments. She could not keep looking for mornings or afternoons off due to the appointments. She has has help from both sets of grandparents as well. Her child is improving over time but it hard going because she trying to help them and give her older child time without the younger child.

I am not saying don't have a child but to go into it being aware that things may not go according to plan. If your with a man who does not want children and you do you need to move on. Also just because your friends are having kids does not mean you should have one.

I have one child free friend who is now in her early 50's. About 10 years ago she was involved with a man and she was considering having a baby with him. They broke up and she was very upset at the time. He went no to have a baby with his new girlfriend. My friend is now happy that she did not have a child with him. She sees what her friends and family are going through with kids and the cost. Her life is a happy one being child free.

Self-reflection is the only real answer here OP. The desire to have children, or not have children, isn't binary - it's a spectrum with many points of ambivalence along it, and only you know where you fall on it.

I'll just say firstly, having kids because everyone around you is having kids and you're realising it's a default heterosexual life path is a bad idea. The most unhappy parents I know are those who didn't realise they had the option not to have kids until it was too late - they thought it was expected of them socially in some vague way. For me, friends starting to have kids actually reinforced how much I didn't want them.

Secondly there are many, many people with a similar mindset to you - they don't know, to varying degrees. One of my friends like this told me that the key for her was the realisation that she'd be fine either way - she might have some regrets but ultimately she knew she could build a rich, full life with or without kids. That realisation lifted a weight off her shoulders. (She chose to be child-free.)

Well, major kudos to you for being prudent and prioritizing a stable home for potential offspring.

So many do not, to the detriment of the kids and society.

Good luck whatever you decide.

(Personally I'd stick with the man and dogs!)

This.

I'm 60 and the relationship, the extra time and money due to not having kids are great. Once a year or so I feel a twinge but nothing major.

Far rather have this life than all the drudgery and downsides and risks of child rearing.

But if you really want it more than you want a relationship, now is the time to go for it.

You need to be honest about your conflict with your partner either way. He deserves to know that you may be out of the relationship so he can make his own decisions.

Be truly honest with yourself. As someone said upthread, maybe you do know but are scared to admit to yourself that you do want children because it will mean the end of your relationship.

I didn’t have children OP. I knew as a teenager I didn’t want them. Other people having children didn’t make me waver, their pregnancies and the tedium of young children only confirmed my choice was the right one for me.

Honestly, I think if you are undecided at 33 you probably want them but haven’t allowed yourself to feel that way or plan for them because your partner is firmly in the childfree camp.

Hope this doesn't sound silly but I think since we got a dog a few years ago it's brought out this nuturing side I suppose and I love having someone to look after. I feel a really deep bond with my dog but I know it's nothing compared to having a child and it's made me think more about what I could be missing out on.

No, it doesn't sound silly to me. That's what happened to us - neither of us were particularly interested in having children at all, until after we got a dog. But a crucial point there is the 'us' - in our case it woke both of us up to thinking about parenthood.

Someone always pops up on MN telling the OP to engineer an “accident”. So irresponsible…and then we wonder why there are so many crap, disinterested fathers who spend ungodly amounts of time on their hobbies! And men who leave when babies are tiny!

Are you sure you’re not sure?

Be totally honest with yourself. Are you doing the ‘not 100% sure/having some doubts/maybe’ because you’re frightened of being honest with yourself and what that will mean for your relationship if you are?

Personally I knew I wanted children of my own from a really young age and have never, ever deviated from feeling like that. I ended a relationship because of it many years ago, with somebody I was very much in love with. He remained childfree until a few years ago and then had a ‘surprise’ baby with a much younger partner. They’ve recently split.

Listen really closely to your thoughts.

A dog, or cat or horse {or any other animal} is nothing like having a child...and if a man says he doesn't want children, believe him.

A dog is a dog - a child is a whole different ball game.

Women ''accidentally'' get pregnant on purpose, hoping the man will change his tune when the baby arrives- to no avail.

So many relationships founder after having children.

There used to be a forum {Searched for it since, but can't find it} about men who hated being fathers - it was eye opening.

They often felt ''trapped'' into having more children than they wanted, or were unwilling fathers to a first child.

A vasectomy is what they need to ensure they don't get 'trapped' in future.

It was full of men complaining how they hated the sound of the baby crying, how the woman told them they were on the pill &c and no need to use a condom..

Any man who doesn't want children needs to buy, keep, and put on his own condom, and to dispose of it safely where the contents can't be ''harvested'' soon after.

There was a case on Radio 4 years ago about a man who was very careful about condoms, but at a court hearing the baby was genetically his- the woman admitted to harvesting the condom contents while the man was in the shower-

He was liable for costs.

It's a tricky one, OP, but please don't have a baby just because all your friends are. This is a tricky stage to navigate, when you very much feel like the odd one out, and it adds to the societal pressure.
Your partner has always been honest with you, which is admirable. Presumably you love him...... now, forget kids for a moment, but just imagine a world without him, where you never see him again. How does that make you feel? I think your response to that scenario will tell you a lot.

My DH was definitely no kids when we met and by the time we started to get serious I spend a good year debating the issues with myself. It seemed insane to throw away a great relationship because we had these different wishes. But I did know I wanted to be a mum. In the end I concluded that I wanted to become a foster carer, and planned to live separately from him but maintain our relationship. I felt really at peace with it all then. And then DH changed his mind, but from a place of being freed from fulfilling my wishes, I think.

Your partner is very wise.
Not having offspring was the best decision
I ever made for myself. (45 yo).
However, if you want kids, it's just not gonna be with this man.

It could be you are not sure. It could be you are not brave enough yet to admit to yourself you want kids because of what it spells for your relationship. You need to find out now, so you can make your own choice and then stand your ground.

It's such a personal decision. I knew at 16 I wanted a future with kids in it. When I met dh I was 26 and we had a frank discussion about it and I wouldn't have pursued the relationship had he said no or been on the fence. From my perspective if you've got to 32 and are on the fence then I'd be inclined to think you don't want them enough to go for it but that's just what I think based on what you have posted. I don't know you or a thing about your relationship.

What I would say is it would be wrong to coerce your partner as he has always been adamant he doesn't want them. The first year with a new baby can be hard for couples when both parents actively want a child, if either has doubts then that gets magnified. Only you can make the decision op but I would ask yourself whether you want a child enough to go it alone because there are simply no guarantees you would meet someone who wants a baby before your fertile years are up.