To think I’m going to have to give up work

Do you have childcare for them? I recently got a childminder and she is a godsend! I drop DD8 off at 7.15am and then pick her up around 5ish. She takes her to school and picks her up etc. It's really helped me out

They aren't attacks.

Everyone has the same goal - to help you find the best solution, as that's what you asked for, help because you can't cope.

If you are taking people querying why your husband can't help, (ie change his hours so that he's there at the hardest times of the day) as attacks, then it's possible that that's because there is truth in it that you don't want to think about.

My husband makes around 4x what I did. I would still need to do majority of childcare for various practical reasons and also my kids wanted me at night! Cosleeping, breastfeeding and additional needs. I didn’t want to give that up even if it was possible. Is taking a few years out to enjoy family life and maybe reconsider a career really so bad?

how many men do that?

you get ONE life op and if you have the chance to pause your current work and change it and actually enjoy it? Hell yeah! Also it’s not forever. People really need to get some perspective. You’d encourage a kid to have a gap year so why not let a woman do what she actually wants to do.

doesn’t sound like she does want it. It’s been put as a pretty drastic solution to a husband not being around very much.

The OP hasn’t been at work. Presumably this thread is because she is due back at work next week.

One of DH colleges sticks in mind because in her case her DH took the career step back - still worked by changed to less demanding job. It's not common but it does happen.

OP your best short term solution is probably to spend more on child care - paid for day when not working/home help - and longer term look at both your careers and see if you can take side steps to less time sink jobs at least for a few years till children are older and bit easier.

It possible it's just anxiety about new school year starting and the evening bedtime being really hard at the moment and few weeks time back of swing of things it will feel more manageable.

The point still stands though. There are plenty of high powered women with well paid jobs and in the vast majority of these cases, it is not an option for them to not be around mornings and evenings. They find ways.

I don't know your husband. My point is more a reflection on men and the different ways men and women juggle parenthood and the workplace. The difference is stark in some cases.

Do whatever works for you as a family, that's no business of mine. But it is worth reflecting whether your husband could organise his work in a way to be more present in the home. Or whether the current arrangement kinda suits him if he's honest about it.

Of course they exist, but they are rare and you can very safely bet that most of the exhausted, depleted and sad women who claim that their DH’s ‘aren’t around much’ or ‘can’t take leave’ aren’t actually married to the men that have these kinds of jobs.

teachers are usually paid from 8am -4/4:30pm and are entitled to a lunch break. I’m sure there are teachers who can entirely manage to just work their paid hours, but to do the job well, it’s understood that those hours are nowhere near enough.

To what benefit would it be to find someone else with the same job title as the OPs DH who just does 9-5? (Or 8-4, like the OP most likely does on paper). it doesn’t follow that the OPs dh could do those hours in his job and do his job well.

They both have careers that expect long hours. His pays well to compensate, hers doesn’t. She is trying to do her long hours job in normal hours, so yes, she’s going to be stressed.

But the op hasn't said she hates work, just that it's hard to do at the moment.

I loved my workplace when I had dc. I'd have been gutted to leave, then be 3or 4 years behind my peers trying to find another teaching job at probably another school.

Were his hours as long before the kids? Because if we are really honest kids bedtime is something most of us would rather avoid if we have a reasonable excuse. I know I would.

Some people on here are unrealistic and think they’re being feminist by getting the woman to work all hours, be miserable and not enjoy her life. My husband makes around 4x what I did. I would still need to do majority of childcare for various practical reasons and also my kids wanted me at night! Cosleeping, breastfeeding and additional needs. I didn’t want to give that up even if it was possible. Is taking a few years out to enjoy family life and maybe reconsider a career really so bad?

you get ONE life op and if you have the chance to pause your current work and change it and actually enjoy it? Hell yeah! Also it’s not forever. People really need to get some perspective. You’d encourage a kid to have a gap year so why not let a woman do what she actually wants to do.

So true

I'm always struck by the fact that it's never mothers who have these jobs that mean you can't lift a finger round the house.

Oh my days, have you never met someone who works in a job with very long hours that just can’t be done in 9-5? The OPs DH isn’t home to help with evening routines in the week. Now, perhaps he could go part time but they can’t afford that. It could turn out that it’s due to a long commute but it’s not impossible to have jobs that regularly aren’t done by 7pm and then you’ve got to get home.

the problem does seem to be both the OP and her DH have jobs that aren’t possible to do in 9-5 hours - the OPs job is the lower pay one so if something has to give, it’s probably going to be her job, if a solution can’t be found to them both having careers that aren’t family friendly.

I would think the obvious solution is to buy more time- an extra day childcare so she can catch up on work and not trying to do that in the evenings.

buy in any other help like cleaning or ironing that’s possible. If you are considering going without your wage OP, I’d recommend trying 6 months of entirely spending your wage on buying in help and see if that helps rebalance so you both can continue in your current jobs.

Partially because a) if she explains that he is gone between Monday morning and Thursday evening and that's unchangeable or whatever, we can help her strategize around it, and partially because like many other women, I have long, long ago lost track of the number of men who just plain... refuse to help out, or request flexible working, or use the flexibility already freely available to them, or even discuss how to pitch in on the home front more, because Man who Makes the Money. And if that is the case, it's a relationship problem, a major one, and should make the OP very, very wary of giving up her own earned income.

Can't you just trust OP that it is? Perhaps he's a brain surgeon or a spy or works on an oil rig.

It may not be possible for ALL teachers but it is possible.

Tbh I don't really accept there is any job where you can't do a share of parenting and housework.

I guess if you're working away for long periods you'd not be available sometimes.

If he lived alone would he be unable to feed himself and wash his clothes? If something happened to you, would he be forced to surrender care of your dc to the state? Or, would he have to muddle through, maybe get less sleep or concentrate less on his job?

The reality is that he doesn't earn enough to support the family solo, so he needs to share both financial and caring responsibilities with his partner. I can't see how anything else is acceptable.

If that is in fact the scenario, OP can save us a lot of time by sharing the bare bones immovables that she's working with without being at all outing.

(And of course I know the security services depend on many, many people doing all kinds of jobs: that was the point.)

I wasn't aware full time exempts you from childcare, housework and general family life.

What happens if two adults work full time? With no external support?

Our national security services don't consist of just one main person. There are plenty of "normal" people working more junior roles but which still have a major effect on family life.