To think I’m going to have to give up work

So, other than getting up and sorting himself out before he leaves for work, what else does he do in the mornings, evenings and weekends in order to share the childcare, household and mental load with you?
Do you work as a team?
In a nutshell, PP would like you to respond re. what your DH does re. childcare and household tasks when he is not working/at home?
Does he do any shopping on his way home from work? Does he buy basics such as milk or bread on his way home?

I agree; you don’t have to share any details re. his role or your finances.

Similar situation here as I work PT but need to put in extra hours to get the job done. I mainly WFH and have a lot of flexibility. I do both ends of primary school run for our youngest DC on the days I don’t have to travel to the office. DH is a business owner working long hours across multiple businesses, 24/7 inclu. weekends and occasional travel abroad. We tag team wherever possible and finally have no childcare costs. You need to be super organised. Buy in help if you can afford it (Au pair, Cleaner, Gardener, etc). It does get easier as DC get older. Give DC age appropriate household tasks.

Our primary and secondary school aged DC are heavily involved in sports outside of school, so we tag team ferrying them around in the car and on public transport. It’s tough, but not forever.
It’s not fair for one parent to be consistently burning themselves out, whilst the other parent has an easier ride.

I’m the primary/main career for our DC. That does not mean that DH gets to pass on childcare and household tasks. When DH arrives home from work, I’m often still tackling household chores - dishwasher, laundry, school and personal admin, prepping for the following day, etc. It would not be fair for him to leave me to it all whilst he sorts himself out and then goes to bed.

Maybe you aren't good at picking up how others are feeling but to put it bluntly you aren't helping the OP, in fact you seem to be taking some pleasure in harassing and belittling her. Maybe go and find a puppy to kick and leave the OP alone.

I’m going to guess we can’t ask what he does do…….

You might want to re-read the post. They said there would be mothers doing that job and doing at least 50% of the parenting/domestic work, not working in the same business. Because you had implied that no women do that job anywhere. Hence my wondering what job could only be done by a man………

@itfeelsstupid I'm finding this thread infuriating, so it must be much worse for you. It's a shame that some posters can't accept that you posted looking for a bit of empathy and emotional support, not a debating club. They need to do the decent thing and back off.

Did the OP say her husband did nothing? I must have missed that bit.

Posters are trying to identify extra resources to take the pressure off you. Your husband is the biggest resource in your family. That’s why a big focus has been on him.

It is really rare that a partner can do absolutely nothing when the other one is under a lot of pressure. I posted that you could ask him to take over Internet based planning he could do on his lunch hour for example, or slow cooker filling he could do before work. Is it really totally impossible for him to do these things?

PPs have also suggested exchanging money for additional resources - cleaning, gardening, extra childcare.

If you just want to vent about your current situation that’s ok too but your OP came across as wanting concrete suggestions, that’s all.

The children’s nursery only has women working there at present. I guess they are tit models aren’t they? Because any place that only has women working there must focus entirely on vaginas or breasts.

Stop being so myopic. There are <shock horror> male nursery workers. Maybe not at your children’s nursery but they do exist. As do female oil rig workers, pilots, politicians, service people etc.

The point was that there will be women in other companies doing whatever your husband does who support more than him at home. Unless your husband’s job involves his genitals.

You’re so resistant to any suggestion that your husband could help more that you can’t even understand what people are saying.

You’ve said nothing about it. What are we meant to infer from that?

Why did you start this thread? What did you expect/hope to get from it?

You say you don’t want to give up work, but you’re overwhelmed and nothing anyone suggests about how to lighten your load gets responded to. And now it’s all my fault. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, I stopped feeding my DC myself at a year, so past that point no default parent.

It’s ridiculous and posters like to make everything black and white and extreme. Just do what’s right for you op.

What about the fact women get pregnant and are the ones to breastfeed and get maternity? And actually there does need to be a primary caregiver. Everyone does things differently but I don’t think it’s fair that a woman does these things and it’s seen negatively. A man does these things and a woman works 24/7 and that’s ok. It’s going back to not giving women a choice.

Op have an internet hug from me. This is a rough time due to the ages of your kids and you’re clearly someone who gives your all to you career and your kids and wants to do the best job you possibly can.

It sounds to me like you are worried about failing at work because of all the pressure on you. The thing I always suggest for parents returning to work after maternity leave is that the other parent makes a commitment that they will be responsible for all sick leave cover for the DC for the first 6 months. That parent generally hasn’t had to take any time off for sick leave cover for the previous year so should have a good amount of leave built up and it allows the parent returning to work to focus on getting back into the swing of things and build good will in their workplace. Can your DH commit to doing this (except if he is on a work trip obviously). Then you’ve got one less thing to worry about.

As a couple you will need to adjust your routines while you get used to being back at work but it is doable. Thousands of other parents do it. Let him know that you are feeling overwhelmed and need some support from him. He will know where he can assist. Just ask him. He’s your partner. He won’t want to see you struggle. I wish you all the best.

@itfeelsstupid

I think the thing is that you are bound and determined that your DH should not be lifting a finger to help you because 'long hours and big pay'. Is that what he tells you to justify his level of involvement?

Before he leaves in the morning at 7 there are plenty of things he could do. When he gets home around 7 in the evening there is plenty he could do, too. I agree that since you work fewer days than he does you'll have time and should do more, but he should be doing a proportionate share, at least on your workdays and weekends. Yes, it's harder when they're out of town, I've been there, but some things can be 'shifted' to when they'll be home. Unless he's Forces, rig worker, or an airline pilot and is gone for weeks or months at a time. Then you just have to suck it up and put things off until your days off. Or pay for someone to do it.

I worked full time and when DH was working out of town or working shifts until 1 am, I can remember my days of doing housework in the evening after the DC were in bed. Throwing a load of towels or sheets (because who cares if they're wrinkled) in at the crack of dawn & into the dryer before leaving for work. When DH was home we both pulled as a team in the evenings and at weekends. Your DH could clean up the kitchen or run the vacuum in the evening. He could fold laundry in the morning, tidy a room, or pack lunches. Why do you think he shouldn't be doing this? Not being snotty, I'm really interested to know.

So no, he doesn't have to 'go part time' or 'give up his job'. He just has to pitch in, or pay for someone else to do 'his share'. I'm not saying he's a 'bad husband'. Just perhaps a lazy one or one who needs 'retraining'.

@Iwasafool yes of course, but I would still count teaching as a career (even if the politicians don't)

😂

Apologies if I get anything mxed up UP, I have rtft but not all at once (busy day!)

Firstly, you CAN do this. I think it's totally normal to feel like this when returning from mat leave, and as teaching is a job where you have to hit the ground running it's quite stressful. I'm back in a couple of days after may leave for DC4 and I feel a bit like this. I'm comforted by the fact that I've now felt a bit like this twice before and I'm still standing! You can do this. After a week you'll be back n the swing of it. You'll make efficiencies where You need to and it'll be ok.

Equally, if it isn't ok, you CAN walk away. If your husband earns about ex what you do, you could stop working and reduce your childcare costs and it would be fine. You may have high outgoings at the moment, but there will be ways to manage. You can come back to teaching after a break -how easily depends on your exact position, but you could do it.

Is there anything you can do to make the evenings/nights easier? It's really hard to make changes when you are getting very little sleep. Lots of people in here can give advice. Even if you're not ready to make changes now, your children will be sleeping better in the future. 2 of mine have been dire sleepers in the toddler years, no trouble at all now. It will get easier one way or another, but perhaps we can help.you nudge it along a bit faster? I'm very strictly no tears at bedtime, I just can't stand crying when I need to be calm and getting relaxed myself.

Your DH's hours prevent him getting much involved in bedtimes etc. Can he pitch in more at the weekend? My DH has certain activities he does with the kids at weekend to help free up a regular slot for me of known length so I can plan on using it.

Presumably you are part time because you want time with the children (I'm also 3 days a week), so you wouldn't want an extra nursery day. However, you could ask aroumd child minders - they are often full for school run times, but may be below capacity in the middle of the day. Something like 2 hours twice a week for 3yo at a time when two tends to nap might buy you a bit of time.

If you give us more details of what might help, you might get more tailored advice.

That’s right. It must be true that only men can do OP’s DH’s job.

Please.

Teaching is a vocation. It’s so much more than a job.