To think I’m going to have to give up work

The OP doesn't seem to be able to do a lot other than whine at everyone else.

She doesn't want advice, she wants an echo chamber because she is refusing to share information where people could actually offer productive advice such as what exactly are you struggling with and could your Husband help and she replies with "he has a long commute"

Then everyone is accused of being nosey and she is sat there, scratching her head because she can't understand why people think her husband doesn't nothing AFTER saying in her OP she has no support at all.

But you know, everyone else is in the wrong.

Nobody here is not allowing it. They can’t afford it.

The him no lifting finger has come from you literally saying you have no support and do everything alone.

If you read that, would you assume the people in the relationship do an equal share.

And before you starting whining again about how he has a very long commute, I mean an equal share in proportion to hours worked.

I just find it depressing that the op isn’t allowed to give up paid work for a bit even if it’s the best option for her.

OK. So at the risk of repeating myself for what feels like the hundredth time, what does he do when he gets home?

And what could he do that helps you?

Then once you've worked that out, maybe have the conversation with him.

Crazy idea, I know.

Ok and that’s great that worked for you. Your kids will see you as the primary caregiver though. And what about when you breastfeed for longer? It’s ok to admit women CAN have a bigger role in this and should be allowed to do that.

I am shocked by this thread to be honest. I commented quite early in and to come back and see pages of the same type of comments was an eye opener. I hope things improve for you @itfeelsstupidxx

To answer your latest and newest question -

It will be utterly shit and miserable but ultimately doable unless you evenly share the load with both parents in which case it will be better.

Well I'm not sure your analogy works because in your opening post, what you describe does sound difficult and require rethinking/significant planning if it's going to work.

However, for whatever reason you dont want this kind of input. I'll bow out. I hope it works out.

Can you go down to 2 days? Then you can keep your career. That one day will make a huge difference.
Or go full time and get a nanny.
Children that age are a real handful. I worked full time with one child as a single mum and often considered going onto benefits. I didn't in the end but it was tempting.

There’s few actually helpful hints as well for OP.

OK another one - what time will you be picking dcs up from childcare and will they have had their dinner already? If you can get an extra half hour at work before you collect them and they have already eaten, it will make evenings much easier. It might be worth looking at childminders who can be a bit more flexible about pick up times and more likely to do a proper meal in the evening over other childcare. Particularly if you can find one who does the school run to the primary you hope to send dc1 to next year, will be much easier if both dcs are in the same setting once dc1 is at school.

Exactly you are not back at work and the opening line of your post was ‘because I can’t cope.’ You then followed up by saying you were ‘feeling overwhelmed and unhappy.’ It’s likely going to be harder when you are at work as you rightly pointed out. What am I missing here?!

Well this is your actual opening gambit ...

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

So okay - it's doable. Job done? All good now?

Because I'm seeing quite the gulf between these two positions personally.

Indeed-if you’re a bit daunted, but will probably be ok-that’s fine.

If you are genuinely thinking you can’t do this, try answering some of the questions teachers have asked though-you might get some actual useful answers. Are you primary/secondary? Job share? Could you afford to drop to 2 days rather than leave completely? Are you SLT or leading any subjects? What takes you the most time after work? What causes you the most stress?

But you can’t do it! That’s the point. You are at breaking point.
That doesn’t mean you are a failure or your DH is an asshole. It just means something needs to change. And you need to figure out what.

As I said, if all you wanted was people to be a cheerleader and not offer actual solutions (which whether you like it or not will involve your other half) then you should have simply said, I am not looking for advice, just to be told I can do it. But yesterday you were contemplating quitting your career so many people rightly assumed that you needed something more than just a pat on the back.

It's doable if you work out how it's doable otherwise it's not

Of course not, but how can anyone give advice about how to manage your load when you won't say what your DH is doing presently?

Not every single detail of my life has to apply to you. But just like in threads where someoen says my baby doesn't sleep and people list out solutions, I was listing out the cadence of our day to make two points. One a more philosophical one about distribution of labour and the unseen load that goes into parenting with two working parents and two small children.

The other was a more practical point about both parents 'working' the same amount whether that's paid work or family work. But the idea practically was to show you in a way that perhaps might demonstrate to you how other people do it, that what works practically is often both really relentless planning and discipline, and genuine equity on a day in and day out basis.

It doesn't mean btw that I wasn't tired when my first born woke up every 90 mins through the night. But I didn't feel alone, and didn't feel like his sleep was my problem alone to solve.

And there is a gap between your DH being a 'lazy bastard' as you put it and doing what the vast majority of men do which is leave the emotional and mental labour to their wives, and end up with far more 'off time' and 'leisure time' than their spouses. How you achieve equity in this is up to you or maybe you decide that it's fine not have equity. But at least you should know why it is you are at breaking point while as far as we know your husband isn't.

This thread isn’t getting anywhere. PP are constantly repeating themselves and we’re going round in circles.

You are not on trial.
You’re perfectly entitled to have a rant because you’re stressed, but you shouldn’t be getting upset when PP ask you what your DH does to assist with childcare and household tasks, in order to share the load.

Question: What does DH do for the family when he is at home?