To think I’m going to have to give up work

You know that not all kids are the same? I know that is a bit of a revelation on MN as almost everyone seems to think what works for them works for everyone but it really doesn't.

You don't know what he does, who he works for, what his commute is. You can't guarantee anything.

Why is it you coping with everything? Your DH needs to pull his weight. I can’t see it takes hours to do bedtime unless SN. In bed, story and door shut in our house.

Your DC are still really little OP, no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed.

You've had some great ideas here - sometimes you need to stand back and look outside the box to find what works for you.

Fair enough. Most people asking questions have asked ones that might help with finding a resolution

Are you primary/secondary? Part time or do you have a jobshare? Could you go down to two days easily-would that work financially? (often with childcare costs, it doesn’t make too much difference).

have fully healthy, reasonable and compliant spouses (which many women simply don't have).

Why don’t they though? Because they do everything while on mat leave and husband thinks that’s how it will always be? How do so many women apparently sleepwalk into this?

Loads of people, especially teachers, are genuinely trying to help-can you give more than the minimal information?

But the other two options are that OP stops working all together an they lose her entire income and any pension contributions and career progression/pay rises or she runs herself into the ground trying to do too much whilst her husband just has to go to work, come home, eat, sleep and repeat. Neither of those options are advantageous for the OP. They can't afford to not help each other but her husband won't do it because his job is so very important and his wife and children aren't.

Ok here’s the deal.
If you were the higher earner you would still be doing at LEAST 50% of the childcare. I bet you would. In fact I bet there are women in your husband’s organisation earning more than him who do more housework/childcare than your DH.

At the moment you are doing your work, housework and managing the kids 7 days a week.
Your husband I suspect is doing work and SOME housework (I sincerely hope) across the same 7 days.
If we are to accept that work is not just paid work but everything that goes into a family and that neither of your work hours can be cut shorter then the answer is that HE has to step up. He can do this in one of many ways.
He can wake up earlier, do the laundry, Hoover, make packed lunches. Batch cook on weekends. Take the kids to the park so you can get prep done. Or he can contribute a portion of his salary to outsource this work.
Or he can have a defined thing like bedtime that he does every single day with no excuses.
Ideally he would do all three! And you would find that your life would be easier…

The “quote” button…….

On the app, you slide the comment you want to reply to leftwards and the quote option appears. Then you type your reply in the box.

The “quote” button…….

OFC it isn't.

It always bemuses me when the MN chorus goes "Childcare is a shared expense...", "Make him do half"... yadda, yadda. I mean, those are very admirable aspirations, but clearly some people a) have never been in certain financial situations (but lots of us have) and b) have fully healthy, reasonable and compliant spouses (which many women simply don't have).

You know what the immovables are in your situation and what the budget looks like. Ignore anyone who isn't taking that onboard.

Sorry I don't know how to respond directly to you. I interviewed for three of these companies (who are either paid by the school or the local authority). Targeted provision and Tutor Doctor are the ones I got the jobs for. The rate of pay is between £20- £30 per hour. Targeted Provision pays you as PAYE, whereas with Tutor Doctor you are classed as self employed. I work solely with them, and therefore I'll have to set up my own private pension. I never have a shortage of work, and there is availability to work either online or in person. My bosses are lovely and so relaxed. Working 1:1 with the kids has also been great. Hope this helps.

One of the few bits of info OP has given suggests they can’t afford it.

Give up work if you can afford to - this time with your DC is so precious.

You are the one giving minimum information op, rendering it impossible without speculation for posters to help.

Not sure why OP has posted for help but not answered any questions that would get her effective help. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Get on MSE to sort out your outgoings. Get some time away where your DH steps up and sorts the kids out so he can do it more when he’s working.

If you can switch to tutoring or supply work do that till you’re over the hump.

DH and I have always had equal focus on our careers. Neither of us gets to opt out of parenting.

Your refusal to accept what the problem is, your husband,will result in the problem continuing.

You won't tell us what job he has for some bizarre reason.

It's short sighted to think you're the one who has to give everything, when you don't seem to be even considering the ways he can retain his salary whilst helping you.

Flexible working.

The higher up someone is, the EASIER it is to work flexibly.

If you can't communicate with your husband about this, beyond ways of you bending to suit, then the problem is that both of you think he is superior in the relationship. And that doesn't work out well.

Bedtimes are really hard at this age. But suddenly it all gets a lot easier. Hang in there if you can, particularly if you enjoy teaching. If you don't, then now may be the perfect time for a career re-think. For what it's worth I'm a professional who took a career break for 4 years when the kids were little. It was a bit tight financially but I enjoyed the break and I enjoyed getting back to work when things were easier

OP ages 1 and 3 are really tough! No matter what your job, although teaching does seem particularly challenging

Is there any flex in your actual work? Can you reduce your hours? Change your timetable? Lose a responsibility? I’m not a teacher so apologies if it’s not relevant at all, but presumably if you went to your head and said you were considering leaving if things didn’t improve then they’d be motivated to at least try and help you in some way.

Are both kids with you on your 2 off days? Can you put the older one at least in nursery for some of that time. I found just having one kid a lot easier and the little one would be happy going to the supermarket and going for a walk and then would take a long nap. It was just a lot easier

What hours is your DH actually out of the house? Is there no scope for him to change his hours or wfh on an evening or anything so that he’s home earlier and can help with the bedtime grind. Even if he leaves for work super early in the morning or works longer hours on your off days.

If leaving would be better for you right now, then leave. Next year you might feel differently, or might not, but you will never get this time back. Definitely discuss with your husband how this will work financially, but take the best decision for you now, you have no idea how things will turn out in future. (Also I agree about cleaners - outsourcing is great in theory but in my experience always creates more stress!)

Just stay home. Let him keep paying the bills and all the extras etc. If you are in a real marriage, you should feel ok about this.

We have done it. I was home stay for many years and although volunteered and was doing things like courses and so on, never missed money for anything. My husband paid for the courses also - an adult course cost from 100 to 200 for a whole term and fills your time with learning, skills, seeing people and so on...so when you need to go back to work, you are not isolated nor lacking skills

Can I just pick your brains a little and ask more about how you got the job and who you are employed by-is it a local agency or a national company? Is it full time/every day? Also, what about pension contributions?