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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't get it? I need help understanding 😔

234 replies

KEvLA · 26/08/2024 03:01

Let me introduce myself.
I have a 9m old DS, 3 year old DD and a 5yr old DS. I have a lovely relationship with my inlaws.
My SIL had an 8yr old DS, a 5yr old DS- and a 2yr old. My kids have an absolutely beautiful relationship with their cousins - specially my 5yr DS - he sees them as best friends and can't wait to see them whenever we meet up and we all have a fab time. He doesn't stop talking about my husband's family, even living so far away lol
My PIL have a house abroad, it's been theirs since the 90s so all their second home.

My SIL declared a friend's holiday family this year rather than the usual family one ( booked early for August, which suited us brilliant as my family lived abroad in another country so we were going to look at all inclusive.
Wow the prices! My husband was gutted that there wasn't going to be a holiday abroad, to which I replied - next year we'll go when we have more money. I'm desperate to see my auntie and also equally as gutted too.

So my husband was determined to go for a holiday abroad and even though it was booked out for the summer, early September was available and my kids (their second home abroad) would still be excited as hell as they have a pool which is purely theirs to use for a whole week!
I randomly see that my FIL is in my SIL Facebook photos.. to which I was like, ok he's the sort of impulsive person who'd pop over for the weekend. I thought we could maybe ask him to the same with us too. THEN I find out both my PIL are there (this is their house and they have a little house at the bottom)
On a usual family holiday the kids are up and down to see them whenever they want and they come up for tea time and drinks with us all

So on finding this out I went ape shit - my children live 300m away from their grandparents so it was always lovely for them to spend a few days/week or so with their grandparents ( they make little effort at home) but when. They're there, wow they're fantastic!! I'm in awe.
Their other grandchildren live 15m down the road so see them whenever they want, totally normal as this is one of those child/parent close relationship).
They brush it off when we asked about it as my SIL had said - friend holiday.
They turn on my husband telling him he's unjustified by taking about it, and told him he was guilt tripping them about it. I'm livid for him when he basically said that this was "his life". Never seen it so evidently, wow.
So they're there having a mini family holiday to which my Husband was told by his BIL
They don't really come up but I saw that - they go up for drinks and food - as the do on a usual family holiday SMH.
They had a cancellation so they went early - my MIL said this.

Mother mode - *My children who adore and don't see their Grandparents a lot but, as I said - brilliant hands affectionate - they all snuggle up with eachother in the morning 💞.
They don't have any summer holiday abroad, even 2 days!! They're friends kid even does SMh. with them. They're all over there on their mini family holiday, justifying it all turned on my husband and my kids who live 300m away - perfect opportunity to spend time with their grandparents are not included, however last minute the flight was and however much they try to justify it.

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING WHEN I SAY I AM LIVID!

I've written this on here because it's eating me up and it's festering me inside I don't want to put all this on my husband when he's also feeling gutted. We all know that children talk and this will inevitably be brought up (same with another instance).

AIBU?

As we know us women go into lioness mode and our children are our world and I'll do anything to protect their feelings. My son is so intelligent , he'll be confused, upset or who knows?
I understand this is IF it's brought up by his cousin as I certainly won't!

OP posts:
AGoingConcern · 26/08/2024 04:18

to recap:

Your PIL own a holiday home that they rent out part of.

Your SIL & BIL decided they didn’t want to do a big family gathering this year with (at least) 6 adults and 6 children under 10 and have a friends’ trip scheduled instead. You and your DH thus schedule to go to your PIL’s holiday home in September with just your three children, which you expect your children to love.

Your PIL have a cancellation at the rental during the week your BIL & SIL are there with friends and decide to go spend the weekend at their own home while they’re there.

And you’re melting down because you don’t believe they should be allowed to do this? Even though your family has a trip there scheduled in a few weeks, and you could initiate plans with your PIL yourselves?

I’m starting to think your SIL & BIL wanted a break from family holidays for a reason. This is nuts.

HoppingPavlova · 26/08/2024 04:13

I don’t understand most of this, not least of all the distance (or lack thereof) thing.

Can you be clear. The only way I think you could be upset is if they all lied, so SIL/BIL said going away with friends instead of you but then didn’t and went with PIL instead? But then part of your story seems to refer to SIL/BIL friends children on the holiday, which would indicate they did go on holiday with friends not you? Or maybe I have that wrong, as it was confusing. Also didn’t understand about not having the money this year but having it the next yet being upset at not going this year etc.

Hadjab · 26/08/2024 04:13

What does “brilliant hands affectionate” mean?

Are you 300 metres or 300 miles away?

writingsonthewall · 26/08/2024 04:13

Baffling. Can't work out what's happened.

MarathonofLife · 26/08/2024 04:12

If SIL has gone with the friends they said they were going with then I don't see an issue.

PIL are entitled to use their holiday home whenever they like.

Shame you aren't going all together this year but there's always next year.

Sorry to say, but I do think your reaction here might be a little indication of why all the plans weren't laid out to you in full.

daisychain01 · 26/08/2024 04:10

CBA to try and untangle this one. Must be exhausting OP.

LadyMinerva · 26/08/2024 04:09

It's not your house to demand who does and does not stay there and when. If PIL decided last minute to go they don't have to consult you. It's their house.
YABU. You have no grounds for being livid.

Yes, you may find your children disappointed if/when they find out but this is an opportunity to help build their resilience.

Blistory · 26/08/2024 04:07

So SIL went to the parents holiday home in August saying that they wanted a holiday with friends instead of family

But you assumed this meant that PIL wouldn't also be going, even though they stay in the main house and visiting family use the house in the garden ? Could it be that PIL just wanted to use their own house and because the SIL kids are there, they pop in to see each other ?

And you're going to the house in the garden in September and were going to ask PIL if they'd like to pop in but now you're mad because you found out that they popped in on SIL ?

So both SIL and you get holiday time at the spare house but you want to dictate when PIL can use the main house ? Or you're just annoyed that your 5 year old didn't holiday with his 5 year old cousin ? Why not just invite the cousin to come with you in September ?

CarpetSlipper · 26/08/2024 04:06

It sounds like your PIL have a holiday home consisting of two separate buildings. Your SIL has gone on holiday with friends and your PIL are also there staying in the other building?

Your SIL does not have to include you in every holiday and can go away with her friends if she likes. Your PIL can stay in their own holiday home whenever they like and do not have to invite everyone else. It would be strange if they didn’t spend any time with SIL when staying in the same place.

YABU for being “livid” over this.

Topee · 26/08/2024 04:02

Maybe they don’t enjoy holidaying in a large family group as much as you do.

I don’t really understand what they’ve done wrong though. Are you trying to say that the friends aren’t with them?

araiwa · 26/08/2024 04:01

So your pil knew internal affairs were trying to set them up?

user1492757084 · 26/08/2024 03:58

I see no problem.

The reason they were perhaps coy about it could be that they predicted that your reaction would be unreasonable and they didn't want to upset you unduly.

You should book a holiday with whomever you please every time.

MillyMollyMandHey · 26/08/2024 03:57

Do you pay anything when you go to PIL’s holiday home?

I think your LIVID reaction gives us an idea of why they might have wanted to go without you…

People can holiday with who they want. If they’re posting on SM, it’s not a secret either.

Hopscotch89 · 26/08/2024 03:55

@Phloopey but I don’t understand why the family should have to hide their holiday? It’s ridiculous - we are talking about grown adults enjoying a holiday - they are free to do so. It seems OP is very hyper-focused on her in-laws and this intense desire to have them live in a sort of commune - this is very unhealthy. She needs to let them enjoy their own holiday, not go nuclear on them.

MapleTreeValley · 26/08/2024 03:53

So you're holidaying separately from SIL and BIL this year, rather than together? Is that right? I can't really see the problem- not everyone wants to go on big family holidays.

Phloopey · 26/08/2024 03:52

So your SIL said they weren't going on the extended family holiday this year, but then you found out from FB that they had gone with PiL, and not invited you. Is that right?

YANBU to feel very hurt. YABU to wrap it up in your children being deprived of "even 2 days abroad" and seeing their cousins. YWBU to expect a free holiday from them every year, if indeed you normally get your accommodation free. They should have been more honest with you, or at least hid it better.

mumedu · 26/08/2024 03:49

Outliers · 26/08/2024 03:43

YABU for the post length.

Lol

HotChocWine · 26/08/2024 03:49

Sounds to me like you're jealous
Also sounds like you wanted a free holiday

mathanxiety · 26/08/2024 03:49

I'm completely lost.

mumedu · 26/08/2024 03:48

RaspberryWhirls · 26/08/2024 03:21

Way too long and overly emotional and going off on tangents.

So essentially your sil and pils went on a mini family holiday, lied about it by saying they were holidaying with friends this year.

You didn't book anything but managed to get a late booking for Sept. You saw the sil/pils holiday pics on Facebook and now the inlaws are defensive after being found out.

Simple to fix, don't rely on them for free holidays or anything ever again. Start expanding your social circle & see in laws occasionally if it suits your plans. They didn't include you in their plans, so you're not in any obligation to include them in yours. Just quietly withdraw and go low contact, your sil can do all the elderly care now for your pils since she's the favourite child.

Edited

You deserve a medal for reading that confusing post and summarising all of that out. A+ for comprehension and perseverance.

Outliers · 26/08/2024 03:43

YABU for the post length.

Hopscotch89 · 26/08/2024 03:42

I don’t wish to be rude, @KEvLA, but you seem like a VERY hyper-emotional person. Maybe that’s why the didn’t tell you that they were all going; because they knew you would act like it’s WW3. It’s a holiday - not the end of the world. You have your own holiday booked and your DS will not be scarred for life. Your reaction to finding out about their holiday is more concerning to be honest. Just let them crack on with their holiday and enjoy your own holiday in September. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to live in their pocket 24/7.

HeliotropePJs · 26/08/2024 03:32

SIL was rather stupid to share photos with FIL in them, if it was meant to be a secret. It's understandable that they may have wanted to have separate time with each child's family, but lying was the wrong way to go about it (if that's what they did). They should have been open about their plans, even if it wouldn't have been the most comfortable conversation to have.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be hurt and even angry about being lied to, but there's nothing to do now but learn from this and adjust your expectations of them. The less said while you're angry, the better it will be for everyone. They're probably a least somewhat ashamed of being found out (if they lied), though they're unlikely to admit it.

Ponoka7 · 26/08/2024 03:23

Your children are at an age were they don't care about holidays abroad. It's you and your husband who are jealous. You've no right to be livid. Your PIL get to decide when and with who they can holiday with. They don't owe you all equal time. Your children are slightly younger than SILs, so it does change the dynamic. The lying wasn't nice but I can't imagine that they could have been honest without drama from you.

RaspberryWhirls · 26/08/2024 03:21

Way too long and overly emotional and going off on tangents.

So essentially your sil and pils went on a mini family holiday, lied about it by saying they were holidaying with friends this year.

You didn't book anything but managed to get a late booking for Sept. You saw the sil/pils holiday pics on Facebook and now the inlaws are defensive after being found out.

Simple to fix, don't rely on them for free holidays or anything ever again. Start expanding your social circle & see in laws occasionally if it suits your plans. They didn't include you in their plans, so you're not in any obligation to include them in yours. Just quietly withdraw and go low contact, your sil can do all the elderly care now for your pils since she's the favourite child.