I don't get it? I need help understanding 😔

My brain hurts.

Oh yes much clearer now! The AI robots clearly know their stuff 😂

OP, you started this post with "I have a lovely relationship with in-laws" which over the course of this thread has developed into them never initiating contact with your DH, their son, unless they want something and never ask for photos of your kids to the extent you both set up "tests" for them to see if they noticed.

I'm unclear, and I think you are too, whether you think that they should have turned down the opportunity to see one set of grandchildren on holiday, when the cancellation came up, because the other set (yours) weren't there. You've mentioned that they should have used the opportunity to see yours (where? Did you invite them? Offer to visit them? Take them away?).

It's tough feeling like the less favoured child. But you are an adult and I think it would be healthier for you to calmly consider the relationship you want with your in-laws and between your DC and the in-laws. Only part of this is in your control. If you need to set some boundaries then do. But comparison truly is the thief of joy. Your in-laws relationship with their other grandchildren will not be identical to the one they have with your DC.

OP writes- Boys are destructive, they are rough, they do lash out, they do take things apart.

This is sexist and simply not true. The whole “boys will be boys” thing is just wrong. Speaking as a mother with 2 grown up boys.

Your level of entitlement to use PIL house while slagging them off for not making your children the focus of their world and spending time with the GC that live nearby is a bit relative to your post.

A 6 year old leaving sliders at GP and crying about it being a whole year is on you, he's not made that up himself.

You keep saying he loves his cousins and adores his GPs so you have enough contact that he has a good bond, your whole post is nothing but jealousy that you aren't getting the attention you want.

You might be lovely and easy going in real life but your posts are indicating your SIL and PIL had good reason not to want to spend their holidays with you.

I can’t tell if there is a damaging level of favoritism going on or if it just a case of your PIL being closer to the conveniently located kid/grandkids. Either way, your children will need to learn that their cousins have a different relationship with the grandparents than they do. There are always going to be experiences that the cousins share with your PIL that your children won’t have.

I would stop trying to engineer massive family get togethers that involve PIL, BIL’s, SIL and cousins. Instead, I would try to orchestrate visits with each family unit individually. Invite PIL for a weekend at your home. Arrange a camping trip with BIL, SIL and cousins. Arrange to meet single BIL at the zoo for an afternoon.

If the inlaws are unwilling to visit just your nuclear family or show favoritism towards the cousins, then it is time to step away from them. Drop the rope. Stop contacting them and leave the burden of maintaining a relationship up to them. Focus on your nuclear family, supportive extended family and friends.

My DH and I both come from extended families that practice favoritism. We are both the least favored and that makes our children the least favored of their generation. Over the years we’ve put our focus on surrounding ourselves with people who reciprocate our efforts. We enjoy getting together with friends and hosting our children’s friends. We take lovely vacations as a nuclear family. When we do see relatives, our children have just as many great experiences with us and their friends as their cousins have with the extended family.

We don’t do holiday visits or extended family vacations because we refuse to allow our children to be exposed to the blatant favoritism their cousins receive. Our older children are aware that the extended family gives their cousins more/better birthday and Christmas gifts. They know about the extended family vacations, etc…. They don’t care because we’ve given them a happy life. Our younger children don’t know and are too focused on the life they have to worry about the extended family.

It was only that I was unsure if that was what you were saying

@BadLad your version genuinely helped me understand the OP better.

@KEvLA several people have asked this question yet I haven’t seen an answer.

are you scheduled to go to your PIL’s holiday home in September? Have you asked them if they can join you for some or all of it?

But according to you your children hardly ever see their cousins because they live so far away, so presumably it’s not likely to come up in conversation any time soon, especially as you didn’t have a joint holiday this year?

And maybe spend less time on your phone if your six year old appears to be reading over your shoulder to the point where he grasps entire family situations…?

@KEvLA can you confirm, so you ARE going to PIL house in September?

I can’t help but notice this story went from “the whole family gets along wonderfully, we all love spending time together and going on big vacations with my DC’s amazing, loving grandparents and cousins” to “my DH’s family are awful and treat us and our children terribly, we’re basically considering going low-contact” after OP didn’t get the response she was hoping for here.

OP do you not think that somehow, something in lost in translation between you and your in-laws? Stop expecting and start listening.

OP - you really need to change your ways before you actually lose everyone after all. These people are all individuals with a right to do things with or without you and your kids. Just stop being shitty about it.

If he finds out, won't be through me as I've said and I can only refer him to his grandparents

You are shockingly manipulative.

If he finds out, won't be through me as I've said and I can only refer him to his grandparents.

No OP, if your little boy is upset about something it’s your job, not his grandparents job, to comfort him and help him see that in most families, it’s normal not to be always included in every event. If you live 300 miles away, how can you or he expect to go to a Sunday lunch organised by BIL. You just help your child adjust his expectations without any ill feeling towards them. His grandparents and cousins still love him even if they only see him once a year.

And that is exactly the problem here. You can’t re-frame it yourself, preferring to take offence and be livid and feel like a victim of theirs when there is absolutely no need to do that. That’s not good for your little boy because he then does exactly the same as you, his role model.

@KEvLA

I have read through your posts, and I do feel for you.
I think you are probably a really warm and loving person and mother, but, there's just from the way you write and express yourself are possibly suggests you are someone who maybe struggles with executive function, and emotional regulation. Is there any ND in your family?

That aside I do understand what you are saying about basically feeling sad about how life is sometimes. You are sad about what you thought could have been a close loving relationship with grandparents for your dc, and have to accept that it's average, not bad but not absolutely amazing.

I understand this feeling of "if only the other person did as much as I would have done" in terms of showing love and kindness and attention. How lovely things could have been....

However real life doesn't work like that op. You can't keep hankering on about if only so and so did this ,that, or the other. And you can't compensate for this perceived lack either, by constantly being the one to bridge the gap. It has to come from both sides.

Try to think of it in these terms. Your children have a relationship with their grandparents and cousins and as long as you do not purposefully put obstacles in the way, this relationship will be best it can be, given all the circumstances.

Why is a five year old seeing notifications on your phone? Keep phones out of reach, he shouldn't be having access to it ever.

As for the disappointment he's 5, in a flash he'll have forgotten so why are you trying to micro manage his perceived feelings around a holiday that his cousins have had with grandparents.

Can't say I'd be that bothered tbh. My parents have had lots of holidays with my sister and kids.
Ask them to join your holiday next year or book something just your family.

Too small a thing to be livid over

ChatGPT please generate a confusing and oddly punctuated tale of how I have been wronged by my family, to add to the other dozen currently in Active Conversations.