Can you subconsciously attract toxic people?

In the nicest possible way, OP, it’s not that mysterious. Nothing you say or do suggests you have any problem with these people’s behaviour, and in fact most of your effort seems to be going into preventing them from seeing that you’re bored, upset or offended. So they don’t know. You haven’t told them. There’s no point in going down the ‘Well, they should be aware of my feelings!’ route. You can’t change other people, only your own behaviour.

Everything you do in these relationships says that the other person is waaaay more important than you, whether it’s nodding along to some endless monologue, waiting about while they try on clothes, or leaping up and leaving your drink because the other person’s desire for food is more important than the fact that you ordered a drink while waiting for them.

Bluntly, you need to take responsibility for contributing to the dynamic. You’ve positioned yourself as the human service animal in these relationships. You clearly recognise you’re a people-pleaser, which is a big step. But you need to recognise this is a bad habit, like living on junk food or biting your nails, it’s not that you’re ’too nice’. You’re doing it because you can’t cope with the consequences of you asserting yourself and behaving honestly, because you think it will ‘upset’ them. The fact that you are yourself ‘upset’ in every interaction with them seems far less important to you, so it’s hardly surprising they don’t see it!

They don’t respect you for putting up with their shit, it crowds out space in your life for good relationships, because other people witnessing this don’t respect you, because why are you passively putting up with this behaviour from people you neither like nor respect (understandably)? And it’s an appalling example for your children.

You can’t compel them to change. You can change your own behaviour, by prioritising yourself, and how you are feeling in any social encounter. And absolutely, this is likely to cause ructions because you’ve trained them to expect nothing but attention and services from you, but, really, who is more important to you, you or them?

She asked about my DF and I replied that he was having a feeding tube fitted soon. Her reply “glad he is doing okay” WTF!!! No, I wouldn’t say he was doing okay!

If you can't say out loud what you've said here, let your face do the talking. Show her with your expression how unpleasant her dismissal is.

It's okay not to people please, especially if they wouldn't dream of pleasing you

"Vomit words and expect you to mop it up" - excellent, I'm stealing that.

I think there's two elements to this. Firstly , yes , people that love to take can spot someone that is a people pleaser quite easily.

Secondly , some people try their selfish crap with everyone , they do the rounds until someone gets trapped in the net.

I had a friend that constantly drained me and took the piss , she was always inviting herself to my house or holding me hostage for a phonecall when I had told her I was busy. A mutual friend had a better relationship with the drainer and I couldn't see how for a long time. Obvious answer being that she had strong boundaries. She only replied/picked the phone up/agreed to things when she had time. She would also agree to timed visits only.

The easy answer is to start saying no. It really does work wonders!

Ending the friendship might be the assertion of your boundary that you need, OP. 💖

I think it happens when you don't have the self esteem to assert your boundaries. Have you ever felt your boundaries were respected, either with these people or historically? Do you feel that you have the right to have boundaries,or do you worry that if you assert them you'll lose the people you love?

I have NC but @Hereforthekickz I definitely experienced the same for a really long time. I absolutely think it is a thing where we can attract types of people and I think it has two components who we attract and the fact we don’t apply the boundaries to keep some types of people out like other people do. There is ND in my family so I’ve always been attracted to quirky, out there people but among them have been very self absorbed, draining folks.

I was bled absolutely emotionally dry by a few culprits well into my 40s. I was empathetic, non judgmental and I gave good advice but it went beyond normal levels of emotional offloading and the expectations of some of the people were off the charts. It has been a big adjustment pulling back and I still don’t have the balance right at all.

There are a few reasons why you might attract toxic people. First predators can sense vulnerability and know who to make a bee line for, second you sound unassertive.

You've been putting up with this 'friend' droning on about herself, showing you ridiculous photos and being uninterested in your life - yet you keep meeting her and haven't pulled her up on her behaviour.

There are ways to handle your SIL. Be polite but keep away from her. Don't get drawn into conversations, and move away.

Both these people are using you and you're letting them.

I’ve met a few people like this-I usually end up just nodding but as I’ve got older I will walk away. I am genuinely interested in people, but have no desire to talk about money, wealth or shopping!

I know exactly what you're going through! They make a bee line because they know you will listen until they're done and be sympathetic/impressed/give good honest advice. It's time to be selfish. Cut conversations short and say you're busy (if on the phone) or you'd like to talk about something else. Be selfish. You know these people don't pour into you. Find any way to avoid them and hopefully find new friends. Don't be afraid to say "no offence but can we change the subject, I'm feeling unsettled as my friend is ill/I'm tired/ have other things on my mind". Learn to smile, make an excuse and walk away. These people are selfish and draining.

It's modern life. Conversation is non existence. Some people just vomit words and expect you to mop it up. If you do manage to get sword in they are champing at the bit to begin their next monologue. I do my best to remember details and things important to the speaker, but it is rarely reciprocated. We are but satellites to the main events - themselves.