Can you subconsciously attract toxic people?

Sometimes you just come to a point where you won’t take any cr@p anymore. A combination of age and experience. You sound like you’re there. Especially with what you are experiencing with your DF.

Yes there absolutely does have to be mutual respect and the relationship should be balanced, not one-sided.

You say you don’t want to feel uncomfortable in a person’s presence but sometimes you need that discomfort as it’s your body/your instincts sending you a strong message. It’s a really useful tool. The body never lies ❤️

agree with Silentassassin.
why are you wasting time and attention on all this nonsense.
you are a grown woman with a daughter.
and written about it here in such detail.
it's as if you want to have something to complain about.
sorry if that sounds severe, but really, what are you doing, and why.
it reminds me of the way schoolgirls talk.
make the most of your life and the people who matter.
life is brief.

So where I agree with your message in part, would anyone want to continue this one sided friendship, really?

But you have continued it- isnt that the point? you have continued a friendship you claim is one sided and participated in it for years. Thats not "attracting toxic people" thats continuing a friendship with someone you dont actually want to be friends with and that was your choice to do so.

Yes I believe you can attract a certain type. I have experienced it throughout my life.

Good genuine friends of mine have said it’s because those types of people sense that I am a gentle, kind person, a listener and someone you can rely on. And, I hate to say it but that my boundaries are too weak 😬
I have done a lot of work around said boundaries and as I’ve got older I’ve got better at spotting the person who is happy to trample all over me. I’ve cut people out of my life and although it’s still hard you can improve this.

I’m sorry about your dad OP 💐

I’m not sure people attract certain types of people in the sense that strangers will pick up on a vibe. But I do think people like you have described, once they have found someone like you, keep you around for the ego boost they get from talking about themselves non stop and being allowed to do so while taking zero interest in the other person. That’s not friendship.

You need to work on your boundaries because these people soon move on if you don’t give them the attention they crave. Also be a bit more discriminating about who you become friends with. You sound lovely. Surround yourself with equally lovely people.

Exactly 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I agree with @henrythe4th I can’t see that she’s being toxic really. She buys you thoughtful gifts, texted you multiple times to ask how your husbands health is and you describe her as “lovely”. Yes ok she sounds like she’s getting a bit carried away with the holiday photos but surely she is allowed to talk about her life too?

She’s HAS offered you emotional support regarding your husbands health by the sounds of it - multiple times! so I’m not sure what else she’s meant to do? Maybe she doesn’t want to bring you down by constantly bringing it up in person because there’s nothing she can physically do to change or help the situation.

I would consider “toxic” to be behaviours like lying, manipulation, back stabbing, gossiping about you, bad mouthing you to others, being two faced, using you for money etc Not simply being excited about holidays or purchases 🤷🏻‍♀️

You have friends that buy you thoughtful gifts and care about you and ask you how things are going in your life and send repeated text messages of support when you're going through difficult times and want to meet up with you, but when they do, you think they're not focusing on you enough and are talking about their own lives.

This is one of those MN threads that could be easily reversed to 'I love my friend, I buy her expensive and thoughtful gifts and always send messages of support when she's going through hard times and want to meet up, but when we meet up, she seems to only want to talk about her struggles and not MY life and then she's annoyed by it. AIBU that this friendship isn't working?'

And nothing she has done is 'toxic' by the way. Even if looked at in the potentially worst way of being self-absorbed sometimes. And if you're thinking that people not meeting your expectation of what you want from a friend is 'toxic' - that's on you.

I do feel I have a right to my boundaries but don’t assert them because I am worried about their reaction so I just put up with it. I am protecting myself from their reaction because that may cause me some unpleasant feelings or anxiety

Whats the worst that can happen if you don’t reply to a long WhatsApp monologue or don’t answer some time vampire’s call? So what if they are upset with you. Good. They might just move on to someone else when they realise you aren’t their personal fly-tipping area. I’ve had a fair few people in my life like this. Looking back I could kick myself for giving them so much of my time and energy. I now have a sixth sense of someone who is a potential offender, and don’t get involved by exchanging numbers or agreeing to meet for a coffee. I’m in my 60s now and have some lovely ‘proper’ friends. We have 2 way conversations and are there for the good, bad and the ugly but no one takes the piss. You deserve decent friends. Don’t worry about upsetting them by cutting off their supply , however you choose to do that. Once you have freed yourself of them I bet your only regret is you didn’t do it sooner.

No. My silence says all I need to say to this person. She is trying to hoover me up for her supply. She doesn’t give a shit about me. It’s all for her benefit. NC is the only way. As soon as they see a chink of light they’re in and I don’t want anyone like that in my life anymore x

Sounds like you have expectations around friendships that aren't widely shared.

I get the impression you're letting friendships happen to you rather than seeking them out. Neither your friend nor your SIL seem to be people you would actually seek out as a friend. They stick to you because you're accommodating and non-demanding. Nothing wrong with that if you value the friendship, but it sounds to me as if you're not getting a lot out of it. Time to start meeting other people and see if you can develop better relationships, with people that you choose.

The problem is not you attracting toxic people- we all encounter people like this in our lives from time to time- it happens to everyone. The problem is that you arent getting rid of them when they start up their toxic behaviour. Someone who is assertive and not a people pleaser would have got rid the moment they started their crap and they wouldnt keep them in their lives.

Thats the difference.

Two very true phrases are: 1. When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. And 2. We teach people how to treat us.

Thats not about victim blaming, its about building up your self esteem and awareness to realise when its happening, recognise that its not serving you and then to put appropriate boundaries in place. So in essence, its not that you are coming across these people, its that you are basically laying out the red carpet for them to do whatever the fck they want.

I was like this. I had a wake up call when someone told me, "You're very generous with your time". Then I realised - shit, in my job, people actually PAY me for my time. I realised that what I thought was kindness was actually giving people access to me. I was literally letting too many people into my home. I was also in a cycle of getting into relationships with unsuitable men. I think a lot of divorced women get into that because they are unconsciously familiar with this dynamic. I was also doing things for other people & getting resentful when the returns were crap (a bit like this friend making you go clothes shopping with her kids). You have to mark your self and only give away what is appropriate

It's really hard, especially for those of us who grew up in neglect or with parents who didn't give us proper parenting.

I find now that recognising that ownership of my time & of "me", and being more selective, has made people value me more. One example - I was talking to my ex about a new car "oh you could exchange it for a little Fabia". With no disrespect to anyone who owns a Fabia, why didn't he say, "you should exchange it for a Ferrari"? I am worth BIG, not small! Ok, it's a far out example, but you get my drift. It reflected how little he thinks of me. Constantly undermined. Be big, OP!

Please don't allow yourself be controlled . Toxic
people aren't any more powerful than you and I.
Break free and concentrate on things and people that uplift you. Life is too short.

@Cattery I feel your pain. My piss taking 'friend' had her family members text and email me , she also wrote me a letter telling me that I'm a terrible person. All because I put boundaries in place.

Don't be afraid to say your piece op. Or you could just slowly move away from that person. A boundary doesn't always have to be a loud thing.

I'm willing to bet there was a similar adult in your childhood. You learned to respond to that adult in a way that earned you their approval. Then you met someone who behaves like that adult and you are responding as you used to in childhood. It's what you know and it will make you attractive to that sort of person. They won't latch on to someone more assertive.

A good rule to remember is 'we teach people how to treat us'. It might be too late to change the dynamic with this friend but it's not too late to be more assertive with new people you meet.

Its not that you attract certain people.
Its that those people look for a certain type to glom on to, they test you in the early stages of the relationship, and you have to put in firm boundaries early on.
If you do that, it puts them off investing any energy into you, and they move on.

Being a people pleaser means you end up pleasing no one, you push genuine friends away, and you end up unhappy. You live an inauthentic life, and you spend a lot of energy doing it.

Oh, I hear you, @Hereforthekickz — my mother is a lifelong people pleaser, and taught me that in order to be liked I should never say no, never assert myself, never say more than ‘Really?’ ‘What happened then?’ in conversation.

The script I got throughout my childhood was ‘Everyone is more important than you, and you can only make people like you by toadying, and the moment you stop toadying, they’re allowed to legitimately dislike you, and because they’re more important than you, their dislike is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you,’

It took a lot of work to unpick it, I won’t lie, but it’s absolutely possible. It’s also possibly the best investment in your own happiness you’ll ever make (and in your children’s — I think modelling good, mutually-supportive friendships is one of the best things you can do for your children.’

I’d suggest some targeted therapy to get you started.

I’ve recently gone NC with a monologuer. All I was was a sounding board, therapist and counsellor. As soon as I had the chance to extricate myself I took it. This person drained the life out of me for about 15 years. She didn’t know anything about me because every monologue was about her and her “running things by me”. An absolute vampire. Still trying to hook me back in with anonymous calls to my mobile. Piss off