Husband calls me a f***ing b**tch and tells me I am gaslighting him

No man ever called me that, let alone my husband.
They would do that once.
Bastard.

Your husband verbally abuses you.
He’s made you feel bad and question yourself.
Exactly what he wanted to happen, no consequences for him so reinforcement for him to do it again, and again, and again.
And then your children grow up learning that men abuse women. That becomes their normal.

I don’t know if it’s gas lighting or not, but being called a fucking bitch would piss me off.

I fucking hate these threads. They're a dime a dozen on this website and it's so, so fucking depressing. Woman describes man behaving like a piece of shit. Everyone tells her he's a piece of shit. She leaps to his defence "well he's kind in so many ways and doesn't pressure me to do housework!".

A sandwich that's 95% wagyu beef and 5% shit is still a shit sandwich. He called you a fucking bitch. Would you accept a man treating any daughter of yours with such contempt?

That's not what she asked. She was asking if he'd put the shopping away.

It doesn’t need a name. He’s an arsehole.

He’s not a great dad. A great dad doesn’t insult the mother of his children using foul language. He’s a verbally abusive scumbag, but you’re not ready to accept that yet.

For me gaslighting is someone doing something wrong, then not admitting it and claiming the other person made it up/exaggerated/has no right to be annoyed etc.
So no. You were pointing out a difference in your perception of his level of annoyance, or his way of dealing with annoyance.
He should not have sworn at you and called you names. And he should have apologised without you having to cry!
He sounds like he's quite fond of criticising you. Is your marriage happy in other ways?

People don't say things they don't mean.

They might say things they didn't intend to let you know they were thinking, but they do mean them.

If someone called me a fcking bitch these days, I would start making plans to leave. There's no coming back in a relationship that involves that much contempt.

I know from experience, as my ex called me a fcking bitch once, and I told him I'd leave if he ever called me a name like that again (two young kids and a big mortgage together at the time). He didn't call me names after that, but he treated me with contempt. He just lied more, fcked me over behind my back and used different words ("control freak" "taskmaster" "nag", etc).

Gaslighting is when you try and imply someone is crazy for responding in an appropriate way isn’t it? Getting upset about being abused? It’s because you’re crazy and it’s all in your head and I’ve done nothing wrong. That sort of thing.

Making reference to something your partner hadn’t done (put the food away) or how you responded in another situation doesn’t sound like gaslighting.

I think the main issue here is that your husband verbally abuses you

Stop making excuses for him. He’s a total arse.

You haven't gaslighted him in this instance no.
He is using DARVO against you to get away with abusive behaviours and calling you a fucking bitch because you asked a question is abusive.

If you don't leave him and I really would strongly suggest you think about that then you will have to treat him like another child and tell him what to do if you are going upstairs to feed the baby.

If he knew you'd ask that question then why not just do it?
I'll tell you why, because he thinks the household stuff is your job and he overestimates the importance of any little bit he does because he sees it as a favour to you.

If you don't leave please don't have anymore children and make sure you save up to pay for the therapy your children will need.

Taking this one stage at a time I think you asking has he cleared up was condescending. You came home and he went and cook Dc dinner while you fed the baby. He then comes up and explains what he has done and you ask has he cleared up. If it was the other way around that would have rattle me. So your ABU to say this as it was in my mind being argumentative. Stage two is his comments to you that are not acceptable at all. Nor are you gaslighting.

@Bluey365 genuinely how can you love someone who calls you a fucking bitch?
I’m appalled that you think you’ve done something wrong when he’s using foul language about his wife.
I don’t care if he’s a teetotaller, hard working, high earning dad of the year - he’s still not fit to wipe my dh’s shoes if he speaks to his dw like that.

I suppose if it's just some bananas and cream crackers it's not a big deal, but if it's food that should be in the fridge or will attract flies or make the toddler he's leaving unattended with it for 40 minutes sick, then it's very reasonable and sensible of you to remind him. Not that he should need reminding.

The truth is that he thinks looking after the kids is your job .
Probably thinks that he has done his fair share

Come on, op. Now you're talking nonsense to yourself. It is not "shitty" to ask if the food has been put away.

The three year old understands his tone perfectly.

Yes. Well, the bit where they make out that you're doing something wrong is the gaslighting and they're doing it, not you.

OP is being gaslighted (gaslit?) when her DH turns her point back on her and distorts it, thus derailing and deflecting her reasonable argument.

Why did you feel the need to ask him if he'd put the food away as if he's a teenage boy

Do you do that a lot ?

I'm not saying his reaction was warranted