To tell my 7 year old that his dad doesn’t want to see him…

Flingbling · 2024-08-25T20:50:08+00:00

I’m struggling with an age appropriate way of saying to DS (7) that his dad isn’t overly interested in seeing him. split 2 years ago, ex used to see both of my children every fortnight for the weekend. 2 nights. He has made my life utter hell in the process but I haven’t let on to the kids or said a bad word. Recently I’ve started to recieve CMS for the first time and my ex is now refusing to have them overnight or on a schedule but will text and demand to see them for an hour or so at a time every fortnight to 4 weeks. He says that I have ruined his mental health 🙄 and financially ruined him so cannot see his children anymore. We have a younger child together also but she is entirely unaffected but my son (suspected ASD) is a very thoughtful, linear and emotional little boy. Recently he’s been really struggling with the concept that his dad (who he loves entirely) isn’t around and is taking it out on me. I’ve never said a bad word about his dad to him but when his dad does show up (for about 2 hours every couple of weeks) his behaviour is awful for the next 3/4 days. He’s so serious, he pushes boundaries and asks questions like why I hate his dad and made him leave? I’ve tried to have an age appropriate chat and explain that his dad loves him very much and to try and discuss his emotions but it does nothing. I’m debating whether to (age appropriately) explain that his dad isn’t able to be around and it’s not DS’s fault and is his dad’s choice. I think he’s desperate for an answer as to why his dads not around and I don’t know how to explain it in an appropriate way? little bit more info so as not to drip feed. I have tried to make a schedule but ex ignores any correspondence to do so.

Lifestooshort71 · 05/11/2024 12:05

My grandson's dad has never been a kind man and he used to suffer after every visit. His primary school had a wonderful woman who used to give him 121 once a week in a special room with sand and toys and books. I think he loved her! Anyway, it seemed to help him work stuff out and got him through the worst of it. Perhaps your school has a similar system?

PassingStranger · 05/11/2024 11:37

Surely hus dad should be telling him, if he has changed the arrangements, what a coward leaving it to you.
Also agree with others, don't say the words he dosent want to see you.

AncientAndModern1 · 05/11/2024 11:15

amispeakingintongues · 25/08/2024 23:19

? How do you explain this to the child when they grow up? It's total betrayal from the one parent they have left to trust.

Sorry but this is an awful suggestion.

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Dumb phone as in opposite to smartphone so doesn’t connect to the internet. Not a dummy/fake phone.

Illpickthatup · 05/11/2024 11:07

I wouldn't say anything to your DS. It sounds like he's already struggling with the lack of contact with his dad so telling him his dad actually isn't interested isn't going to make things any better. He probably already knows his dad isn't interested. In the same respect, don't make excuses for his dad. Keep things factual. "Why has dad cancelled again?" "I don't know darling. Shall we go to the park or do something fun together?".

He's pushing boundaries with you because he wants to see if you'll abandon him too. I know it must be hard to be on the receiving end but continue to shower him with love whilst still having some boundaries regarding what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviour wise. Sadly you can't control how his father shows up for his child. All you can do is continue to be the constant in his life and support him as best as possible.

DinosaurMunch · 05/11/2024 10:43

Is telling him his dad loves him helpful? Or true? If his dad actually loved him he'd see him wouldn't he. Surely it's more confusing to be told that. It's very difficult.

Meadowfinch · 26/08/2024 01:00

Goldbar · 25/08/2024 22:19

It might be the wrong thing but I would go with something like his dad loves him very much but some people aren't very good at the practical side of being parents - being organised, turning up, remembering important stuff (and you could give him some examples of all the things that parents have to do) and maybe his dad is one of those people.

This. Make it clear that daddy just isn't much good at being a parent, and emphasise that it's not your ds' fault in any way.

savethatkitty · 26/08/2024 00:52

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?

If the answer to any of those is yes, then tell him.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Noseybookworm · 26/08/2024 00:19

Flingbling · 25/08/2024 22:54

I’ll have a look into play therapy. Last year I was in communication with his school and we can bi-monthly chats with the SEN team to see how he’s doing and I would report to the teacher every month or so just so he had an outlet other than me. Obviously haven’t been able to do that in the summer but he’s off to a new school in September and they’ve got a great ofsted and verbal reviews from people I’ve spoken to. I’ve been to the GP about general anxiety and explained about how his dad isn’t very consistent hoping for some sort of a refferal but they just gave me a leaflet??? Would I look into play therapy privately?

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I'm not sure to be honest. It should be available on the NHS bit realistically waiting lists are probably long 😔 lots of GP practices have a mental health practitioner attached now so they might be a good source of information.

amispeakingintongues · 26/08/2024 00:01

Flossyts · 25/08/2024 23:21

Because it’s not their phone because they are 7 years old. It is a house phone that they can use. You tell them up front you can see their messages.
surely you’d be mental to not monitor a 7 year old phone usage?

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Ok so it sends actual messages? Confused me with the “dumb phone” thing. But cool, i’m all for contact where possible.

XChrome · 25/08/2024 23:58

Flingbling · 25/08/2024 23:10

@XChrome this is a very good take. I think I might see if I can speak to a therapist, I’ll speak to his new school first and see if they have any suggestions as I was hoping to start his SEN diagnosis (his previous school started an assessment but weren’t great) he is an extremely literal boy. I have to be careful with what I say, even saying I’ll do something in a minute leads him to count to 60 seconds which is one of the reasons we suspect he has ASD.

I think his dad love bombs him when he does see him and then the radio silence after is such a conflicting thing. I’m not sure what his dad says to him as he tends to seize up if I ask him too much of what he’s done. His dad is very resentful and blames me for anything that goes wrong in his life and I’m pretty sure he’s told him not to tell me what they do so I don’t so he doesn’t feel torn. He will tell me snippets and I’ll ask questions pertaining to that comment but not much more unless he offers it otherwise I can almost feel him tense up.

I get this. I'm on the spectrum myself and have had to learn to let go of trying to understand the reason for everything people do. I also have had to learn not to take everything too literally. Hopefully your son will get a better handle on it when he is older, especially if he gets some help with it.

Your ex certainly sounds like a weakass, narcissistic little bitch. My sympathies.

Flossyts · 25/08/2024 23:21

amispeakingintongues · 25/08/2024 23:19

? How do you explain this to the child when they grow up? It's total betrayal from the one parent they have left to trust.

Sorry but this is an awful suggestion.

Show quote history

Because it’s not their phone because they are 7 years old. It is a house phone that they can use. You tell them up front you can see their messages.
surely you’d be mental to not monitor a 7 year old phone usage?

amispeakingintongues · 25/08/2024 23:19

Flossyts · 25/08/2024 23:11

Would it be appropriate for him to have a ‘dumb phone’ and let him text his dad? Not the same as seeing him, but at least it’s something. You could of course monitor the messages. In our house we have a mobile phone as a house phone (so I have full access to it).

? How do you explain this to the child when they grow up? It's total betrayal from the one parent they have left to trust.

Sorry but this is an awful suggestion.

Franjipanl8r · 25/08/2024 23:18

If your ex has said he’s got mental health problems then you could tell your DS that he’s got a poorly head that’s affecting his emotions and thoughts and he’s too sick to see his family at the moment.

amispeakingintongues · 25/08/2024 23:16

Please don't tell your son that his dad doesn't want to see him, even if its true. It is so damaging for him to even consider that, let alone hear that. So please don't say it as he will likely take it out on you anyway.

Say something like how some dads find it easier than others to be good dads. But even though his dad is rubbish, he still loves him. And that you're sorry he treats him this way, and of course he deserves better. But unfortunately some people in life can upset us. And that you will do all you can to love and support him.

ProvincialLady2024 · 25/08/2024 23:15

What's best for your son? To think that his dad loves him but can't see him due to living on an oil rig or to know the truth and pain and rejection?

Flossyts · 25/08/2024 23:11

Would it be appropriate for him to have a ‘dumb phone’ and let him text his dad? Not the same as seeing him, but at least it’s something. You could of course monitor the messages. In our house we have a mobile phone as a house phone (so I have full access to it).

Original poster

Flingbling · 25/08/2024 23:10

@XChrome this is a very good take. I think I might see if I can speak to a therapist, I’ll speak to his new school first and see if they have any suggestions as I was hoping to start his SEN diagnosis (his previous school started an assessment but weren’t great) he is an extremely literal boy. I have to be careful with what I say, even saying I’ll do something in a minute leads him to count to 60 seconds which is one of the reasons we suspect he has ASD.

I think his dad love bombs him when he does see him and then the radio silence after is such a conflicting thing. I’m not sure what his dad says to him as he tends to seize up if I ask him too much of what he’s done. His dad is very resentful and blames me for anything that goes wrong in his life and I’m pretty sure he’s told him not to tell me what they do so I don’t so he doesn’t feel torn. He will tell me snippets and I’ll ask questions pertaining to that comment but not much more unless he offers it otherwise I can almost feel him tense up.

OP posts:

ChiffandBipper · 25/08/2024 23:04

Can you go through the court to sort out a proper schedule? It is the random dropping in and out that is causing the issues, so if ex is being flaky, try to pin his contact down to regular slots. Good luck

XChrome · 25/08/2024 22:59

Here's the thing. Your son is experiencing cognitive dissonance. While he's being told he is loved by his father, the father's behaviour is showing that not to be so.
Therefore I would not assure him that his father loves him. It's only confusing him.
I would also question if his father is being emotionally abusive to the child based on his behavior after he sees his dad. Could you take him to a therapist to try to determine that?

I think it's okay to admit to your son that you don't know why his dad behaves the way he does.
You don't need to have all the answers, you just need to keep being the sane, safe parent. Let him know he can talk about how he feels about his dad and don't disagree with him if he says his dad does not act like he loves him. He is seeing evidence that tells him this and you should not invalidate the truth of his observations.

Original poster

Flingbling · 25/08/2024 22:54

Noseybookworm · 25/08/2024 22:48

I would go with the line of Daddy isn't feeling too well and is only able to see him when he can at the moment. As annoying as it is to have your ex not sticking to a schedule for seeing them, try and facilitate it as much as you can - for your son's sake, not for the ex. If you feel your son is really struggling, try and find some psychological support for him. Play therapy can be really good for encouraging him to explore his feelings.

I’ll have a look into play therapy. Last year I was in communication with his school and we can bi-monthly chats with the SEN team to see how he’s doing and I would report to the teacher every month or so just so he had an outlet other than me. Obviously haven’t been able to do that in the summer but he’s off to a new school in September and they’ve got a great ofsted and verbal reviews from people I’ve spoken to. I’ve been to the GP about general anxiety and explained about how his dad isn’t very consistent hoping for some sort of a refferal but they just gave me a leaflet??? Would I look into play therapy privately?

OP posts:

Original poster

Flingbling · 25/08/2024 22:50

Halfemptyhalfling · 25/08/2024 22:39

I'm not sure it is that his dad doesn't want to see him- isn't it more than his mental health is too bad? Could you say his dad isn't feeling too well and can't see him at the moment? Would they be able to WhatsApp to keep in contact?

Without getting too much into the nitty gritty their dad has used poor mental health as a get out of jail free card for the entire time that I knew him. I stayed resentfully for many years under the guise that if I left he would do something but have realised that it is all a complete farce

OP posts:

Noseybookworm · 25/08/2024 22:48

I would go with the line of Daddy isn't feeling too well and is only able to see him when he can at the moment. As annoying as it is to have your ex not sticking to a schedule for seeing them, try and facilitate it as much as you can - for your son's sake, not for the ex. If you feel your son is really struggling, try and find some psychological support for him. Play therapy can be really good for encouraging him to explore his feelings.

Original poster

Flingbling · 25/08/2024 22:44

Thankyou everyone, this is all food for thought. I’ve tried to explain it to him as ‘I’m not sure why but unfortunately his dad isn’t as present in his life as he’s not great at it.’ My son unfortunately struggles with not having a straight answer about things and likes to push boundaries until he’s satisfying (the tooth fairy and Father Christmas has been a nightmare to navigate especially with DD who is well and truly a believer 😂) he has a wonderful relationship with his granddad as he is my child care 4 days a week when I work and he makes special ‘boy time’ where they just go together and try and chat. I’ve been trying to keep him up a little bit later than DD too so he can talk about things if he wants as he’s more amenable at lights out. I’ve even bought a few books on how families are not all linear and all differ and pointed out some of his friends who have differences in their families to him so he can feel a bit more understood.

I’ve sent their dad 3 messages in a week trying to arrange when he can see them, I offered to drive them over and given all days were free and available. I’ve sent im a text basically saying that I don’t think he’s doing enough and our son is struggling emotionally (very politely).’ The response that I got is why haven’t I phoned him when he’s crying as hell always be there for him 🙄. I’ve then tried to explain how I am looking after his children full time and I cannot be on call 24/7 to pester him to be a dad and he’s said some spiel about he’s always respectful and I’m letting myself down by not being able to communicate effectively so it’s back to the drawing board on that one

OP posts:

Halfemptyhalfling · 25/08/2024 22:39

I'm not sure it is that his dad doesn't want to see him- isn't it more than his mental health is too bad? Could you say his dad isn't feeling too well and can't see him at the moment? Would they be able to WhatsApp to keep in contact?

Goldbar · 25/08/2024 22:37

Just get as many people as you can in your son's life taking an interest in him and telling him how wonderful he is. Don't be afraid to ask for help from others - if he's a clever, sensitive little boy, he might well think "you're just saying that because you're my mum" so having additional input from others might be helpful to reinforce his confidence.