Discovered 20yo son is doing coke

Are you sure it is coke and not ketamine, which my DCs tell me is far cheaper.

I think the best thing you can do is say you’re aware he’s experimenting with drugs and that you understand this is what some young people do and there is nothing you can do to stop him (because there isn’t). Let him know you love him regardless and if he ever finds himself in a drug related crisis you will be there for him - but that you have limits and boundaries regarding this, and state what they are. (Eg. You won’t tolerate him being high in the house and if his drug use interferes with family life there will be consequences, or whatever your boundaries are).
As a previous posted suggested, ask him to make sure he acts safely while experimenting, I.e. with friends who are looking out for each other. Know your limits. Understand the risks. I think there’s some good advice on websites like Talk To Frank.
My friends and I all took drugs throughout our twenties. We had fun with it and looked after each other on nights out. We’re all settled down now with families and are all well adjusted adults and we don’t take drugs anymore (apart from maybe a joint once a year on a camping trip!). Drugs can be very dangerous, yes, but dabbling doesn’t automatically mean a downward spiral.

@Hobbesmanc
Do you? What would you do if his dealer came to your door and threatened to knee cap you for a £100 coke debt?

I’m with @Maray1967 here. If he wants to do Coke then crack on, but not whilst living under my roof and not whilst being funded by me for uni.

Tell him the message popped up and share your concerns

No. I just think reading another adults private messages is shitty.

@Hobbesmanc
So you are happy that he is funding criminal gangs who cause untold harm???
Fuck that.

He's 20. He's an adult. He can go live with his coke head mates.

He's 20. I'm totally shocked that you'd invade his privacy and check his phone. I'd not be admitting that to another adult. What a breach of trust.

And this is as important as the exploitation of vulnerable people. I will not stand by and watch my DSs risk doing themselves some serious damage. Absolutely none of you who take a tolerant line can be certain that what your kids are taking is not going to have a worse than normal effect on them, or be adulterated and very dangerous.

I’m not prepared to say nothing. If an adult wants to continue living in my house then they respect my absolute disgust at the drugs trade and they have nothing to do with it. Fortunately both of mine think drugs are a mug’s game. They both know people who have messed up/are messing up their lives.

I agree entirely. If you choose not to confront him directly then the very least you should do is leave images and articles around the house graphically evidencing the effect of coke on the face and body

I would be honest and say you saw the message. My cousin is a mental health nurse in highly secure teen settings. She has always been absolutely terrifying about how much of the psychosis she sees is linked to coke use. He needs to understand the risk he is taking.

I used to take loads of drugs at 20. I’m 60 now so l survived.

I remember going into DS’s house when he was a student. They had those plastic letter magnets on the fridge. They spelt Ketamine. I just gritted my teeth and said nothing.

Itms something they do unfortunately. I just used to say to mine, if ygpirw doing them try and do them safely.

I’ve posted on similar threads like this - zero tolerance here. I have two DSs - I’d be waiting for him when he comes out of the shower with his phone in my hand and telling him he is to explain what the hell he’s doing and consider whether he wants to (1) continue being funded by me at university or find the £5/6k himself, and (2) wants to live at home next summer.

I’m conflicted. On one hand, taking coke is bad for a whole variety of reasons. On the other, kids do experiment and I know plenty of otherwise normal, thriving adults who occasionally do it. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to worry but not sure you should do anything currently.

I’m not sure what you can do or more, if you were to do something, what impact it would have. He’s an adult and I’m quite sure he won’t stop doing coke either because his mum scares him off it or because it hurts his mum. He’ll just lie about it.

Id be very worried too. But he’s at the point where it’s his life and he will hopefully make ok choices around drugs before they get control of him.

I would say something personally. Tell him the message just popped up. Make sure he knows the damage it can do to his heart.

I’m not sure you can bring it up without admitting you snooped on him…also not sure it would help if you did tbh. Lots of kids do drugs, it’s typically a phase.