Discovered 20yo son is doing coke

Cocaine

What lol?
I've known a fair few middle class who have been massively impacted by cocains

Thank god only the poor people become addicted like the famous working class Tara Palmer Tomkinson et al.

He's dabbling/taking class A drugs whilst living in the OPs house.

Fuck 'breach of trust'! ! I think invading his privacy is the least of her worries.
I'd be more totally shocked about cocaine use

FFS

Ketamine is highly destructive to the bladder btw. I’m torn, I experimented at uni certainly. But then I did a load of stupid shit I wouldn’t want my kids to do, so that’s not a great yardstick! I think if he has a heart murmur it’s important to discuss it from that perspective.

I have learnt that it is only poor /working class who become addicted to drugs that’s good to know. Not middle class children.
He would be supporting himself, non of my money would be funding it.

Well yes, you could, but he’ll just hide it better, that is the thing..

It is terrifying as a mother, but it is normal uni behaviour.
It's likely to be a phase, trying it out, he's 20 and even if you give him some anti drug advice, he's aware of it all already and chooses to take drugs despite the risks.
I think admitting you've been through the phone will be very damaging for your relationship.

What do you hope to achieve anyway. If you say stop, will he?
I wouldn't have paid any attention to my mum's concerns about my behaviour at 20yo. And I'd have been furious if she'd looked through my phone.

I took a lot of drugs in my 20s (and some in my teens and early 30s) and appear to be a functioning member of society, so don’t panic too much.

I can understand you are worried though, and you can certainly tell him you saw the message pop up and what is he thinking (I don’t think it will make any different though, so..)

I would say the message popped up and that I’m worried. I wouldn’t be angry, but I’d try and have a conversation about what the drug was, how often does he do it etc. Just because there are health risks, particularly heart issues. There is no point saying anything silly like you have to move out as he may be doing it at uni too, it’s very common there. And you really want to have lines of communication open so you can chat about that sort of stuff.

.

Except for all the shit coke is being cut with. Like, stuff that will kill

@Redthai Yes ketamine comes in bags too.

Lots of people try things at uni. Doesn't mean they continue, or have addictions.

This is something many people his age go thru. As another poster said, it's very unlikely he will be put off doing drugs by you being angry with him about it. He will just lie. And the fact you went through his phone will put a massive strain on your relationship with him.
This is a case of having put in the work before hand. Chances are, if you parented well, he's from a good home, is a happy secure lad who has hopes and dreams and is engaged by life... he's probably gonna do thus a few times on nights out with mates in his early twenties.. then he's gonna grow up and out of it. Of course there are a few sad cases where young people who have come from great backgrounds and have nothing going on that you would think would lead them to that, fall prey to addiction and end up really struggling. But that is actually rare. Mostly young people experiment and then move on. And mostly people who end up addicts have a lot of other stuff going on that comes together to cause that.
I'd just keep fostering a good relationship based on openess and trust with him.
Anger won't get you anywhere here.. but if things do go badly and he does end up struggling then if the decent relationship with you is there he will quickly come to you for help.
But let me tell you that someone's mum getting angry with them never put a single person off drugs. It just makes them less likely to come to you for help. And itt emotional arguments do not make young adults listen to you. They will dismiss everything you say as nonsense because you sound out of touch and hysterical. It might make you feel better to express that anger abd concern in that way but it won't help him in the slightest.
If at any point you are worried this is more than just experimentation, I'd say you need to approach the conversation you'd have with him from a place of compassion and support rather than 'I can't believe you'd be so stupid'
And don't admit you went thru his phone. Just come at it from the angle that you've noticed a change in his behaviour abd is there anything he'd like to talk to you about because you love him and want to be there for him.

I ised to take loads at that age. It's such a common thing. I don't now... its likely not to be an issue

Ffs like any older teen will even consider this

Young adults are usually very empathic but I agree they may not link their personal drug use to the violence and death of other young people.

Op, is he going into his final year? Did he do ok at his last exams?

hi, I’m in my 30s now and myself and everyone I knew at uni experimented with drugs at the weekends. It’s completely normal. As we got older, got proper jobs, had kids, it all fizzled out.

if I’d told my parents at the time they’d have gone ape shit as they couldn’t comprehend that young people did that but now that I’m older I’ve told them all about the things I used to do and we can speak about it as adults.

you’ve crossed boundaries by looking through his phone and as long as he’s not coming back to your house wasted or neglecting his work, I think you need to let him be young and make his own mistakes. Just like alcohol, it’s not the substance that is the issue, it’s your relationship with it. If it’s just a bit of fun and recreational, he’ll grow out of it.

They do if they want to live in my house or be funded by me at uni.

It’s about not accepting crap, basically. Mine know this is a red line for me. I expect mine to have enough brain cells between their ears to understand the exploitation and damage involved in the drugs trade and to stay well clear of it.

This is the most levelheaded response. My DP and I both experimented with drugs at uni and with friends in our twenties, had a great time but had a good group of friends that looked out for each other. We’re all settled with good careers, families and no ongoing addictions or health concerns. You wouldn’t catch any of us near anything like that now. If it was my child I would say you saw the message and want to remind him of the dangers of drugs but explains that you love him and will be there if he ever needs you. I would rather my child called me if they got into trouble rather than felt scared because it involved drug taking. If he’s otherwise a sensible and happy boy, I’d say he’s just experimenting and all will be fine :)

Show him one of the latest photos of Daniella Westbrook.

Ffs like any older teen will even consider this

If he doesn’t mind the slavery, murder, child abuse, torture, and sexual exploitation, that is behind producing that cocaine… then he’s not someone I would want living in my house.