Discovered 20yo son is doing coke

I honestly don’t know one person who I socialise with or am acquainted with that doesn’t do coke.

Sure. I will take that risk though.
I had uncool parents and am grateful for them. I stayed clear of drugs, smoking and alcohol because I knew they would take a hard line.
One can only do what one thinks is best.

I think this sums it up very well.

But People taking an intolerant line can't be sure that you won't make the situation completely worse.

Similarly, I imagine lots of people on here who say "my children would never do this" actually had children who did it but didn't have a clue. Op wouldn't have known herself if she didn't see the messages. People can be very naive with regards to their children. Myself and my friends all did a fair few drugs when we were younger, our parents had no idea.

It's an absolute minefield trying to know what so do. Some people take drugs recreatiionally a bit when they're younger and move on, some absolutely ruin their lives.

What I would say, is parents generally don't approve and it rarely stops the ones who are going to ruin their lives anyway

Will just add to my post that in my experience drugs were definitely not just harmless. It was very common for pills to not contain what people thought - I remember one night dozens of people collapsing from pills that turned out to be dangerous research chemicals. I also had friends who were given rohypnol and were assaulted or robbed. A friend of mine nearly died due to this. There are seriously safety concerns - addiction obviously, but also the fact that you have no idea what you've taken and are opening yourself up to be in a vulnerable situation.

Also, my ex had a mother who was very privileged and in the party scene when younger...he had never been brought up by her because of her serious cocaine addiction.

As a parent I wouldn't see it as looking out for my child's best interests to ignore something dangerous and not have a conversation about it. It's so weird that people are acting like a parent should just stay cool and stay out of it...that's not a parent's job.

What on earth

Yes, this is DH’s view - he did a bit of weed at uni but stopped, and he’s made the difference clear to our two. They both know our views on the modern drug trade. On underage sex we’re all for no shame openness where they can come to us and get support. On drinking, pretty much the same.

On drugs, it’s a red line and a total ban. We’ve always been clear on that and the consequences for an adult living in our house would be tough.

Have you contacted the police?

Same here. Astounding that some folks think you should let them do this, hope for the best, feel conflicted about reading their messages - all while funding them for uni and providing a lovely home while they bring drugs into it.

At the very least parents should consider that what their DC are buying could be adulterated and very dangerous.

I expect more of my DC. I will not excuse drug use as a bit of experimenting, and harmless fun. And if I thought one of mine was ignoring me and sneaking stuff in after I’d confronted him, I’d be searching his room and all his stuff in MY HOME.

Weed also comes in bags/pouches... personally I think it's better to discuss the safety aspects of drugs and have open, frank conversations, so that if there ever is a problem they can come to you without shame.

If the phone was next to you when the message popped up then the starting point is not about invasion of privacy. I would tell your son about seeing the message and talk about it.

My DC know that I smoked a couple of joints at university but that it sent me to sleep so I stuck to alcohol after that. Nothing stronger. They also know that in those days we didn't know or think about drugs gangs and the exploitation of children. However we know about that now.

I'd have the conversation and share my concerns. There is the health and mental health risk to themselves, the waste of money. But there is also the impact on other's lives. They are supporting child exploitation.

I'd mention the change in behaviour as well as seeing the message pop up.

I'd aim to come from a place of concern and discuss risks.

It's up to you wether this is a hardline in terms of you funding him

This.

My 17yo has been warned off vapes too. I hit the roof about it, tbh. Zero tolerance if he's living under this roof. Instead, he can have a drink with his Dad on movie night at weekends.

How to do drugs safely 🤪

Can't believe ppl are focusing on the reading private messages ahead of the drugs.
I was very vocal when DD tried vaping too. She stopped.

@Redthai definitely do your part to try to stamp out the selfish and moronic "I did drugs in my 20s, it's totally fine" brigade.

Aswell as the damage it can do to him, it is very damaging to society.

in a few days/ weeks time just say look I’m going to be blunt I’m not stupid
its obvious be your appearance and the way you are your clearly dabbling with drugs
then leave the talking to him

Agree with the poster who said today's drugs are nothing like the ones 'back in the day'. I work in mental health/addictions and the landscape is horrific. Including overdoses from tainted cocaine. A young man died recently in my area after doing a relatively small amount in a nightclub. And Ketamine may be fun for some but for others it becomes a serious dependence with physical and lifelong side effects. I would make this a red line OP.

Someone might have said this already…. But drugs 40 years ago were not the same as now. This attitude drives me crazy, it’s so naive. Ask any mental health professional their opinion about drug use in teens and 20s. It’s never ok. And that’s aside from the horrific trafficking and abuse of others you support when you buy drugs - the whole supply chain is horrific and abuse ridden.

My children are younger but know how damaging drugs are. I’ve never taken any drugs at all, not even smoked anything. The temptation wasn’t there and although I was offered things, it wasn’t hard to say no.

Yes because looking at his phone is the bigger crime here. You know those people who end up as hardcore drug users, a total waste of their lives and you think where was the family. Why didn't anyone step in to help. Well I guess they were like you, being more shocked at looking at the phone and rather did nothing.

I am zero tolerance on this. Would withdraw all funding. Would have zero guilt about reading private messages either.
But I am very much not into the MN parenting rule of " Adult DC can do whatever they want while parents butt out"..I am not a butting out sort of parent and I won't stand by.

Really poor advice

Off course you say something! You're his mother. If anyone needs to pull him out, call him out and give him a rude awakening it's you. He's 20 not some big grown adult man. I would be so furious too if this is what he is doing.

Loads of young people take drugs,including me and everyone I knew at that age. The vast majority of the time they will grow up and stop. I haven’t touched any kind of drugs since my mid 20s and have absolutely I desire to. Yes i would rather my own kids don’t do it when they are that age and it’s definitely not a risk free lifestyle, but doing coke at weekends doesn’t automatically mean they will end up and addict.