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Original poster

struggling with new baby

39 replies

blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 20:12

not really an AIBU but posting here as feeling desperate for advice/support.

I will try keep it really pecise and try not to drip feed.

I have a 6 year old son with autism from previous relationship. My partner had a 7 year old son with autism and severe learning difficulties from his previous. We share a 4 month old baby.

I am trying to figure out what the best way forward is regarding our set up. I own my own home and live here with my 2 sons. Partner has his own home where he stays when he has his son. Both homes are adapted for our disabled children. When we decided to have our baby I didnt have my sons diagnosis this is very recent so feel really sad as I didn't realise what his needs would be and how having a baby would impact him so significantly.

I am really struggling and family and friends are just not helpful with a solution as they just say they couldn't do it. I feel like I cant either but I cant let my children down and dont have a choice.

Im really struggling at the moment with both children. 4 month old doesnt sleep much. Naps about 40 mins in total a day and sleeps for 2 hours at night then wakes for a feed. I can't eat because he screams when put down so im sleep deprived and feel so on edge and anxious when it comes to eating food as I rush it all then binge eat at night. Im puting on so much weight. I cant wash often as I dont feel I can leave him as he then cries and rolls around and I get scared hel suffocate. I cant excercise as my oldest son struggles with walks and he just wants to be home at the moment. He doesnt sleep well either due to his disability and is up for hours at a time each night. He gets so upset and hurts himself because he just wants some attention and at the moment I feel hes been taking a back seat as i have no energy with the baby who is pretty much always in my arms. My home is so unclean i have no time to clean and it gets me down.

Babys dad comes to mine after work Monday - Thursday but not until 6pm by this time baby is awake around and hour then sleeps. In this time i rush to eat, sort eldest out and then go to sleep when eldest is asleep around 9pm. I am exhausted. im up every morning so 4.30ish and broken sleep all night. partner cant do night feeds as baby is breast fed. He has his son every friday to sunday at his and we take the kids out but responsibility of the baby falls on me as his son is more complex than mine and needs constant supervision as his understanding is of a 2 year old. no danger awareness etc. This makes it really hard for me as i have no help on weekends and feel like a single parent and that i am drowning at the moment.

We tried to live together which worked when we was a 4 some but then found out my son had autism too while i was pregnant. He didnt seem bad until baby was born as i guess he had 1:1 attention from me so his needs were met adequately and he didnt struggle. since having the baby hes regressed so much so that we decided to live apart so he could have his space and less pressure on him with another child whos sensory needs clash with his for example his son is non verbal and loves loud noises my son is verbal and hates noise so they just annoy one another and fight. My son never had this issue but the baby making noise i.e. crying makes him more sensitive snd now finds any noises very hard.

Anyway now i am really struggling because i am basicay doing it all. My family cannot help as siblings all have young children and parents are elderly.

Can anyone suggest what we can do to make this work and be more fair for me?

I suggested to my partner to change some work hours so in the week he can help even for one day so i can sleep and eat while baby is occupied.

My mental health is so bad. I regref having this baby and my heart hurts feeling this way.

Please offer advice with no hurtful comments as I am really low.

Also to add my eldest sons dad doesnt see him.since he was diagnosed be doesnt want a disabled son he said. Before he would go there on most weekends so we had a good set up. So much has changed. Also my partner
has his son every half term as his mum works in a school so helps him. This summer hes doing 3 weeks 1 week on 1 week off. I am reallt strugling with the weeks he isnt here.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 25/08/2024 20:45

Can you look into respite care? Your local authority may be the best ones to try. Some kids with disabilities can have a personal assistant to take them out for things like activities etc. I'm not all that clued up as to going about it though so your local autism trust (for us in kent it's the Kent autistic trust) will know what to do

Katiope · 25/08/2024 20:43

PrincessPeache · 25/08/2024 20:38

I say this with kindness but you don’t just “find out” your son has autism. You say he has a diagnosis, but he would have been on a waiting list for years. You made a decision to have a baby knowing there was at least one severely disabled child and another suspected one, so you will have had an idea that this would be very hard. I’m not saying this to be a dick, I’m saying it to remind you that you actively chose that it would be worth it - and it still will be. You can do this because, like you said, you have no choice. Your partner needs to step up; remind him that if he is unable to help you look after the baby when you’re all together at the weekend, then he will find it a lot harder when you leave him and he has the baby by himself every other weekend. Because the relationship will not last unless he steps up.

You are doing ok. It’s so hard. Lack of sleep is the absolute worst. Don’t feel bad if you need to switch to bottle feeds so that your partner can do feeds in the night so you can sleep. Practice some deep breathing techniques to help you get through a shower whilst the baby cries. Soups in a flask to keep you fed throughout the day until you find it a bit easier to sit down for a proper meal. Your son has been with family for a few nights - can you ask them if they can take him one morning a week whilst your partner takes his two children out (put the baby in a carrier).

I hope this starts to get easier for you soon.

I would just say from the post its difficult to tell if partner needs to 'step up' or not. It sounds like he is always working or looking after the kids. I don't think things are a bed of roses for him either.

Stanleycupsarecool · 25/08/2024 20:39

blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 20:27

My eldest is 6. I was looking at sen pushchairs but I cant find one that has an older child and baby seat. Its a really hard situation I called social services for a reassessment but they were quite adamant before that I am not seen as in need enough to qualify for help.

Show quote history

Sorry got my wires crossed.

Could you get one just for an older child and baby wear the 4 month old?

People will probably chew me out, but as a last resort put a bit of hey bear or miss rachel. Not saying for hours but for 20 minutes a day while you shower won’t cause any harm.

PrincessPeache · 25/08/2024 20:38

I say this with kindness but you don’t just “find out” your son has autism. You say he has a diagnosis, but he would have been on a waiting list for years. You made a decision to have a baby knowing there was at least one severely disabled child and another suspected one, so you will have had an idea that this would be very hard. I’m not saying this to be a dick, I’m saying it to remind you that you actively chose that it would be worth it - and it still will be. You can do this because, like you said, you have no choice. Your partner needs to step up; remind him that if he is unable to help you look after the baby when you’re all together at the weekend, then he will find it a lot harder when you leave him and he has the baby by himself every other weekend. Because the relationship will not last unless he steps up.

You are doing ok. It’s so hard. Lack of sleep is the absolute worst. Don’t feel bad if you need to switch to bottle feeds so that your partner can do feeds in the night so you can sleep. Practice some deep breathing techniques to help you get through a shower whilst the baby cries. Soups in a flask to keep you fed throughout the day until you find it a bit easier to sit down for a proper meal. Your son has been with family for a few nights - can you ask them if they can take him one morning a week whilst your partner takes his two children out (put the baby in a carrier).

I hope this starts to get easier for you soon.

Kosenrufugirl · 25/08/2024 20:37

I think you need to show this post to your Health Visitor. This is too much for one person. Let the Health Visiting team arrange some support for you depending on their local budgets and arrangements. I have been through some tough times myself but your situation is really challenging, no wonder you are struggling. Please discuss with the Health Visiting team. Please don't worry about being referred to Social Services. You sound like a good mum in an extremely tight spot who just needs a bit of help to ride out this very challenging period. Health Visitors can arrange things like a priority nursery place for a baby at 9 months amongst many other things. Please approach them

Katiope · 25/08/2024 20:36

This sounds hard on everyone.

Just quick practical thoughts which may or may not be useful...

Do you have a sling? I found baby napped better and was content in sling and left my hands free

Does your son have a sensory sooth box? To avoid the self harm or help when baby is kicking off could he have a pop up tent with a Tonie or white box machine, blanket etc to take himself to?

I understand completely the desire to breastfeed but is baby totally bottle refusing? At 4 months you can look at introducing a doidy or sippy cup so he can get used to it and at least will allow others to have him for a bit of time?

In terms of cleaning is that something you could ask your partner to do late over a couple of weeknights? It's not the priority and it really doesn't matter. In terms of food you need to eat, not getting proper nutrition will worsen your anxiety, can you even just do a frozen food shop for things you can put in the oven or some microwave meals for you for a bit?

EyeOop · 25/08/2024 20:36

Can you use your carrier instead of your pushchair for your baby? Putting the baby on your back will keep them safe, free your hands to do things, and you can cook/eat. You can also go for walks with the SEN pushchair. I have a similar gap between two of my DC and the younger one spent lots of time being held in the carrier on my back, where they couldn’t get into mischief and were close to me so my anxiety didn’t spike so hard as I knew they had me right there. Can you play calling white noise using phone app or Alexa if older one will tolerate? Smoothed out the sounds without anything in his ears possibly. You might try different ones to see if there is one he likes. Could any of this help?

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 25/08/2024 20:34

Would a buggy board help so you can go walking ? Or would he ride a scooter. Does the six year old go to school ? There is medication the doctor can give children with autism to make them sleep. I really hope things settle down as the baby gets older things should get easier and your son will adjust to having to share the attention. Really sorry things are so hard for you right now 💐

Mumoftwo1316 · 25/08/2024 20:32

Sorry if this is obvious but are you overdressing the baby if he's hot and sweaty? A 4 month old shouldn't be regularly sweaty ideally. If he's too warmly dressed that might explain why he won't drop off for naps.

Can dc1 sit on the floor with the baby in his lap, in the same room as you, while you have a meal or shower? I mean when the baby is in a good mood. My 4yo is happy to do this for short periods (but long enough for me to have a body shower). I have to talk/sing to them but at least I have a moment with both hands free

Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 20:27

Stanleycupsarecool · 25/08/2024 20:25

As for getting out for walks, would a double buggy be an option if the 4 year old doesn’t like walking much.

4 months is a really hard age, I also remember not being able to do much for myself at that point. It will get easier and the start to entertain themselves for very small periods of time.

My eldest is 6. I was looking at sen pushchairs but I cant find one that has an older child and baby seat. Its a really hard situation I called social services for a reassessment but they were quite adamant before that I am not seen as in need enough to qualify for help.

OP posts:
Stanleycupsarecool · 25/08/2024 20:25

As for getting out for walks, would a double buggy be an option if the 4 year old doesn’t like walking much.

4 months is a really hard age, I also remember not being able to do much for myself at that point. It will get easier and the start to entertain themselves for very small periods of time.

Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 20:24

Mumoftwo1316 · 25/08/2024 20:19

I'm really sorry.

Just practical stuff - you need to be able to eat and shower. Get some soft mats (I use the ikea changing mat) and put one on the bathroom floor and one in the kitchen. Baby lies there while you shower and cook. Either that or a bouncer, or in due course when he's upright, a bumbo seat or jumparoo. You've got to end this need of constantly carrying him.

For your older one, get him some over-ear ear defenders to block out the crying. My dc1 loved wearing hers when our newborn was crying.

Thank you for replying. I do have mats and bouncer etc but baby cries and it sends my anxiety through the roof..He gets so hot and sweaty and then rolls over and is all over the place in a mess I just cant leave him like that. I tried ear defenders but my son has issued with anything over his ears, inside them etc he just hits himself in the face when he gets over whelmed at the noise. Hes had to stay with my parents for the past few nights as baby has a cold and cries so much..I feel bad for parents as my sons quite challenging and sad that I have to send him away too.

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1316 · 25/08/2024 20:22

Just re-read and he's rolling already. Bouncer it is! Strap him in facing the shower and have that shower. Ditto in the kitchen. If you can afford it (they're dirt cheap second hand), buy two bouncers and have one in bathroom, one in kitchen

Mumoftwo1316 · 25/08/2024 20:19

I'm really sorry.

Just practical stuff - you need to be able to eat and shower. Get some soft mats (I use the ikea changing mat) and put one on the bathroom floor and one in the kitchen. Baby lies there while you shower and cook. Either that or a bouncer, or in due course when he's upright, a bumbo seat or jumparoo. You've got to end this need of constantly carrying him.

For your older one, get him some over-ear ear defenders to block out the crying. My dc1 loved wearing hers when our newborn was crying.