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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

struggling with new baby

39 replies

blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 20:12

not really an AIBU but posting here as feeling desperate for advice/support.

I will try keep it really pecise and try not to drip feed.

I have a 6 year old son with autism from previous relationship. My partner had a 7 year old son with autism and severe learning difficulties from his previous. We share a 4 month old baby.

I am trying to figure out what the best way forward is regarding our set up. I own my own home and live here with my 2 sons. Partner has his own home where he stays when he has his son. Both homes are adapted for our disabled children. When we decided to have our baby I didnt have my sons diagnosis this is very recent so feel really sad as I didn't realise what his needs would be and how having a baby would impact him so significantly.

I am really struggling and family and friends are just not helpful with a solution as they just say they couldn't do it. I feel like I cant either but I cant let my children down and dont have a choice.

Im really struggling at the moment with both children. 4 month old doesnt sleep much. Naps about 40 mins in total a day and sleeps for 2 hours at night then wakes for a feed. I can't eat because he screams when put down so im sleep deprived and feel so on edge and anxious when it comes to eating food as I rush it all then binge eat at night. Im puting on so much weight. I cant wash often as I dont feel I can leave him as he then cries and rolls around and I get scared hel suffocate. I cant excercise as my oldest son struggles with walks and he just wants to be home at the moment. He doesnt sleep well either due to his disability and is up for hours at a time each night. He gets so upset and hurts himself because he just wants some attention and at the moment I feel hes been taking a back seat as i have no energy with the baby who is pretty much always in my arms. My home is so unclean i have no time to clean and it gets me down.

Babys dad comes to mine after work Monday - Thursday but not until 6pm by this time baby is awake around and hour then sleeps. In this time i rush to eat, sort eldest out and then go to sleep when eldest is asleep around 9pm. I am exhausted. im up every morning so 4.30ish and broken sleep all night. partner cant do night feeds as baby is breast fed. He has his son every friday to sunday at his and we take the kids out but responsibility of the baby falls on me as his son is more complex than mine and needs constant supervision as his understanding is of a 2 year old. no danger awareness etc. This makes it really hard for me as i have no help on weekends and feel like a single parent and that i am drowning at the moment.

We tried to live together which worked when we was a 4 some but then found out my son had autism too while i was pregnant. He didnt seem bad until baby was born as i guess he had 1:1 attention from me so his needs were met adequately and he didnt struggle. since having the baby hes regressed so much so that we decided to live apart so he could have his space and less pressure on him with another child whos sensory needs clash with his for example his son is non verbal and loves loud noises my son is verbal and hates noise so they just annoy one another and fight. My son never had this issue but the baby making noise i.e. crying makes him more sensitive snd now finds any noises very hard.

Anyway now i am really struggling because i am basicay doing it all. My family cannot help as siblings all have young children and parents are elderly.

Can anyone suggest what we can do to make this work and be more fair for me?

I suggested to my partner to change some work hours so in the week he can help even for one day so i can sleep and eat while baby is occupied.

My mental health is so bad. I regref having this baby and my heart hurts feeling this way.

Please offer advice with no hurtful comments as I am really low.

Also to add my eldest sons dad doesnt see him.since he was diagnosed be doesnt want a disabled son he said. Before he would go there on most weekends so we had a good set up. So much has changed. Also my partner
has his son every half term as his mum works in a school so helps him. This summer hes doing 3 weeks 1 week on 1 week off. I am reallt strugling with the weeks he isnt here.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Kosenrufugirl · 27/08/2024 11:10

blueandgreen247 · 27/08/2024 09:52

Hello,

I think part of the problem is cosleeping. I cant put him in another room as my eldest wonders and if he goes into his room i worry he may hurt the baby so I need to have him with me. My room unfortunately isnt big enough for any kind of cot so hes in with me still. I havent heard of feed to sleep but il google and look into it when i get a chance. I am really hoping my baby sleeps more soon as it is becoming too over whelming for me with broken sleep. thanks for the advice and suport xx

Show quote history

We had so little furniture when we moved into a new flat with a toddler and a baby that I resorted to putting the baby in the baby bath and placing the bath on the floor to stop our toddler accidentally falling onto the newborn. It worked. Is there a place for the bath on your bed to create a bit of a physical separation? I did a bit of googling on breastfeeding to sleep association. There's plenty of advice written by bottles and formula makers who obviously have a skin in the game. There are ways of stopping feeding to sleep without stopping breastfeeding but you may want to start a different post for advice on how to do it. (I continued breastfeeding after doing a variation of controlled crying - there are gentler methods around). As per my previous post I am not convinced the fluff of making formula and sterilising the bottles is going to be an improvement in your circumstances even if you get your baby to accept the bottle which isn't a given. You also need to factor in the cost of formula and the bottles if you decide to follow this route. I hope it helps

Makingchocolatecake · 27/08/2024 10:42

blueandgreen247 · 27/08/2024 09:52

Hello,

I think part of the problem is cosleeping. I cant put him in another room as my eldest wonders and if he goes into his room i worry he may hurt the baby so I need to have him with me. My room unfortunately isnt big enough for any kind of cot so hes in with me still. I havent heard of feed to sleep but il google and look into it when i get a chance. I am really hoping my baby sleeps more soon as it is becoming too over whelming for me with broken sleep. thanks for the advice and suport xx

Show quote history

When you are ready to put baby in a different room, get a catch on a the door that your son can't reach

Makingchocolatecake · 27/08/2024 10:40

Baby sling so can you can do stuff whilst holding baby. Take moses basket or a bouncer into the bathroom whilst you wash. If you have a bath, put them in an angel care bath seat and have a shower sitting down (get a tap attachment if you don't have a shower in there). When mine was sitting up I would sit them in a plastic box in the bath with me, between my legs.

Express milk so dad can do some night feeds, or consider combi feeding if it's going to save your sanity!

Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 27/08/2024 09:52

Kosenrufugirl · 27/08/2024 08:38

Hi OP how is it going? I remember being so sleep deprived at 7 months I resorted to controlled crying which did work for us (it doesn't always work). As your older child is sensitive to noise it might not be an option for you. Yet being woken up every 2 hours is a horrible experience to go through. Would you consider posting How to break breastfeeding to sleep association under Breastfeeding section? Elizabeth Pantley did write No Cry Sleep Solutions book, however I doubt you have any time on your hands to read a book. Breastfeeding to sleep association is a common problem, you might get some good tips on how to get out of it. I hope it helps

Hello,

I think part of the problem is cosleeping. I cant put him in another room as my eldest wonders and if he goes into his room i worry he may hurt the baby so I need to have him with me. My room unfortunately isnt big enough for any kind of cot so hes in with me still. I havent heard of feed to sleep but il google and look into it when i get a chance. I am really hoping my baby sleeps more soon as it is becoming too over whelming for me with broken sleep. thanks for the advice and suport xx

OP posts:
Kosenrufugirl · 27/08/2024 08:38

Hi OP how is it going? I remember being so sleep deprived at 7 months I resorted to controlled crying which did work for us (it doesn't always work). As your older child is sensitive to noise it might not be an option for you. Yet being woken up every 2 hours is a horrible experience to go through. Would you consider posting How to break breastfeeding to sleep association under Breastfeeding section? Elizabeth Pantley did write No Cry Sleep Solutions book, however I doubt you have any time on your hands to read a book. Breastfeeding to sleep association is a common problem, you might get some good tips on how to get out of it. I hope it helps

BackForABit · 26/08/2024 17:07

I was resistant to respite but my kids love it. They go to a centre for a couple of hours with a few other kids and play games with young, well rested staff. It's exactly like a holiday club. Ours they take them on outings to zoos, playgrounds, swimming...

For sensory equipment to help with coping we like:
Weighted blankets,
Bed tent
Calming lights
Indoor swing you can screw into ceiling

BackForABit · 26/08/2024 17:00

I have 2 severely disabled children (extremely close age gap) and here are some practical things I learnt over the years:

  • Your stepson (and possibly your eldest, although not likely) will be entitled to respite. Your partner should contact his council for a Social Care needs assessment (I know it's social services but it's slightly different fir disabled children): https://contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/social-care/needs-assessments/ This might give him a bit of space to help you out more. He might be sad that he'll see his oldest son less but needs must.
  • Can you bath with your 4mo?
  • it took my kids ages to wear ear defenders but they used to use wireless headphones linked to their tablet (less pressure on the head).
  • I'd use a SEN pushchair and a baby carrier / sling.
  • We used to only really go to SEN specific playgrounds and centres which are normally fully secure and adapted (e.g. look up Thomley SEN playground).
  • Have you applied for DLA and Carer's Allowance? You could use some of this to get a cleaner.

Needs assessments | Contact

An overview of the process social services used to decide how much support you and your child need and how to get one.

https://contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/social-care/needs-assessments

Katiope · 26/08/2024 16:11

I'd just agree that switching to formula isn't going to be a magic solution and I'd be really wary of doing that.
The upside is other people can do the feeds but it sounds like what would actually happen Is it would still be you but you'd be having to go downstairs and sort the bottle out!
My DD was exclusively formula feed from 4 months and I think breastfeeding has extremely limited benefits however in your scenario I think the grass might not be greener.
I said before about introducing a sippy cup or doidy- hopefully then by the time he's weaning he can be left for a few hours with someone else.

Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 26/08/2024 11:46

Kosenrufugirl · 26/08/2024 09:11

Hi there I am a registered midwife with 3 years of experience in infant feeding groups as well as a mother of 2 children. I am not at all convinced switching to formula will improve sleep. Breastfed babies can go for more than 2 hours of sleep unless there's a feed to sleep association which the formula is unlikely to break. Add the hassle of making the formula up and the hassle of sterilising the bottles to the mix - and I am struggling to see the benefits of switching to formula. Plus the cost of formula. A dummy might be a better solution- OP might experiment with various dummies and really persevere until her baby accepts one - a dummy is likely to make a difference

Show quote history

Thanks for commenting. I thought this but a lot of people irl have said formula helps. He definately is feeding to sleep and for comfort. He had a dummy a specific brand he liked and I change them every month and always have so last month I changed them as in changed the brand as the others were out of stock and he hated it. Then I got the original brand he liked and now he just refuses a dummy altogether. He wakes every 2 hours at night and I feed him because otherwise he cries. I was told (not by any professional just friends etc) that formula would ensure hed sleep 4-6 hours atleast. I tried to give him formula the issue was he wouldn't take a bottle at all just refused and got wound up. I kept offering after a feed and before too hungry and at different times. Did this for about a week before I gave up. I did want to EBF but I also am desperate to sleep.

OP posts:
Kosenrufugirl · 26/08/2024 09:11

Imenti · 26/08/2024 08:32

I'm a trained NHS breastfeeding peer supporter and help lots of mums with feeding problems. However the first thing we are taught, is that the Mums mental health is the MOST important thing when considering how to help someone. For someone in your shoes, with everything else going on I would ask you to consider switching to some formula feeds to give yourself a break and a chance for a longer sleep on the times your partner is actually there to help out. You have done absolutely brilliantly to already EBF for the first four months, but continued sleep deprivation isn't going to help any of you, and if you could use get a bit more sleep you will hopefully start to feel a bit better and not so desperate.

Also as other people have suggested - try every avenue for help and support. Try autism charities as well as HV, keep pushing. There is so much help out there that often doesn't get used or accessed because nobody knows about it. Go to your local family hub / children's centre for the health clinic drop in (this is where I volunteer) there are always people there to talk to and might have other ideas about how to help.

Good luck xxx

Hi there I am a registered midwife with 3 years of experience in infant feeding groups as well as a mother of 2 children. I am not at all convinced switching to formula will improve sleep. Breastfed babies can go for more than 2 hours of sleep unless there's a feed to sleep association which the formula is unlikely to break. Add the hassle of making the formula up and the hassle of sterilising the bottles to the mix - and I am struggling to see the benefits of switching to formula. Plus the cost of formula. A dummy might be a better solution- OP might experiment with various dummies and really persevere until her baby accepts one - a dummy is likely to make a difference

Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 26/08/2024 08:54

Thank you I really appriciate all the advice. There are a few things I haven't tried and will have a go with. I think the lack of sleep is a massive factor in why im struggling so moving to formula might be better. I tried expressing but milk doesn't come out which is confusing as he feeds from me and is fine? Also he doesn't take a bottle and gets really agitated when I tried so previously eith formular. Does anyone know if there is a particular bottlebor teat I can try I tried mandela and tommie tippie breast teats.

I also do need to get further support for my son I wil speak to him school when he goes back. At the moment im too over whelmed to dive into contacting agencies etc but maybe the sendco will help.

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
Imenti · 26/08/2024 08:32

I'm a trained NHS breastfeeding peer supporter and help lots of mums with feeding problems. However the first thing we are taught, is that the Mums mental health is the MOST important thing when considering how to help someone. For someone in your shoes, with everything else going on I would ask you to consider switching to some formula feeds to give yourself a break and a chance for a longer sleep on the times your partner is actually there to help out. You have done absolutely brilliantly to already EBF for the first four months, but continued sleep deprivation isn't going to help any of you, and if you could use get a bit more sleep you will hopefully start to feel a bit better and not so desperate.

Also as other people have suggested - try every avenue for help and support. Try autism charities as well as HV, keep pushing. There is so much help out there that often doesn't get used or accessed because nobody knows about it. Go to your local family hub / children's centre for the health clinic drop in (this is where I volunteer) there are always people there to talk to and might have other ideas about how to help.

Good luck xxx

Montydone · 26/08/2024 00:02

Hi, just wanted to let you know that you are now slap bang in the middle of it and it won’t always be like this…
in terms of a practical thing you could do, I would suggest a great sling, which would mean you still have two hands to support your older DS and keep baby comforted and settled next to you. My baby was in there so much when my DS (also autistic) was a toddler. I mean honestly I never used a buggy and she spent all hours next to me - she is fine now and we have a very close relationship ha ha! It meant she was more settled so didn’t cry as much and disturb DS and then I could support him better and read stories with him whilst she was sleeping on me.
also, I would suggest contacting your health visiting team to see what support there is as you are managing A LOT as a new mum.
What sort of things is your DS into? What keeps him occupied for a little bit? If you share this, then people may come up with similar/related ideas which may be helpful

Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 21:46

Stopsobbing · 25/08/2024 21:44

Just wanted to say I have two and the age gap is almost exactly the same. Older one is autistic and she found the first few months really hard due to the crying. Newborn and little baby cries are so hard to hear and as you say are extremely anxiety inducing! But things got so much better after that and their bond is amazing. They wind each other up of course but get on really well a lot of the time and my eldest has learnt a lot of social and play stuff from her little sister. They’re 3.5 and 9.5 now. It will get better soon I’m sure! As others have said 4 months is so hard.

Thank you I really needed to hear this.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 21:45

PrincessPeache · 25/08/2024 21:36

You made the decision for a reason and even though it is so hard, that doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. You’re really in the trenches at the moment - having a four month old is hard! Having a disabled child is hard! Having both is hard! You’re allowed to find it hard. But they are your tiny people who you made from scratch and even if you’re in survival mode right now, you’ll get through it. It’s such early days for your older child to get his head around this change. You need as much support as possible for someone to look after your youngest so you can have 1:1 time with your eldest as a priority.

Show quote history

I know my eldest needs me so much right now it breaks my heart. I feel like iv let them both down so much. Im sat with baby crying now and I know hel wake my eldest son any minute. Im so depressed that things have gone so rapidly down hill.

OP posts:
Stopsobbing · 25/08/2024 21:44

Just wanted to say I have two and the age gap is almost exactly the same. Older one is autistic and she found the first few months really hard due to the crying. Newborn and little baby cries are so hard to hear and as you say are extremely anxiety inducing! But things got so much better after that and their bond is amazing. They wind each other up of course but get on really well a lot of the time and my eldest has learnt a lot of social and play stuff from her little sister. They’re 3.5 and 9.5 now. It will get better soon I’m sure! As others have said 4 months is so hard.

Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 21:41

Justlurking101 · 25/08/2024 21:05

baby carrier for the baby, you can do housework while they are strapped to you, they will usually nap with the movement, you will have 2 free hands to make snacks, tidy up.. for showers, get in and out as fast as you can while baby in cot!

Can you create a little den for 6yo in his room, buy some sound proofing insulation panels like they use in recording studios (they are just foam inexpensive) cosy lighting, sensory stuff. a tent to go over his bed or cosy area under a mid sleeper he can escape to?

weird a father would disown a child after a diagnosis, surely the child is the exact same before and after a diagnosis is given? Your poor boy!! How is he at school? Does he get autism support, have you applied for disability support for him to help meet his needs?

Sending you strength, you can do it for yourself and your kids 🙌

His dad is an arsehole from the minute i mentioned possible autism he rejected it..He doesn't believe in it and has decided since i had a baby he doesn't want to see his son. I think he's punishing me for having a baby tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 21:39

TheKoalaWhoCould · 25/08/2024 21:01

Practical things - for your oldest and your stepson, you need to request a disability social worker to start the process for funded carer payments.

I presume your partner’s child attends specialist school? Usually the TAs will do PA work at weekends and holidays?

Get the SEN buggy and wear the baby in a sling.

There’s no easy way to say what I need to say next, but if you have a child with autism, there is a higher likelihood genetically that subsequent children will also have autism. As there is autism on both sides of your baby’s family tree there is a raised possibility of SEN. This means that things could continue to be challenging in terms of behaviour all round so it’s really important to act now and ask for all the help there is - Sure Start, inclusion support service, DLA etc.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh - I have to be honest - I have a 7yo DS who sounds much like your partner’s DS - LDs, non-verbal, constant close supervision needed etc and I am just really surprised that anyone would choose to have another child in those circumstances - did you and your partner discuss the genetic risks beforehand?

I think more than needing to have time away from the kids we need coping tools and just advice on how to balance things. My partner loves having his son and would not put him into resbite. I aslo think my son would not be comfortable being sent away. I have had somd good suggestions on here to try like white noise on alexa, sensory things for my son to try etc son I will exhaust these options first. We wanted his son to have a family so he always has people around him and of course love eachother and made a decision together. I think his son having LD is what makes it harder and we didn't think its likely to happen again. Austim can be more common in siblings however and I admit I was naive because I thought if my son is autistic hes absolutely fine to me so I wasn't worried. I think he behaved d different in a school environments hence their referral but at home he always seemed typical to me. Now however its all surfacing and I very much regret my nativity.

OP posts:
PrincessPeache · 25/08/2024 21:38

And although you say you expected to do it all yourself because his child’s needs weee greater than your child’s needs, the situation has now changed so it’s fair that the setup changes too. He does need to be able to look after both of his children.

PrincessPeache · 25/08/2024 21:36

blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 21:32

I fell pregnant before his diagnosis and honestly his behavior was not anything like it has been in the past 6 months hes just regressed and I didnt actually think he had autism because he was fine with me at home. I think having 1:1 attention at all times was a different environment to what as have now so actually had I known he would have this much of a struggle I wouldn't have chosen to have another. He was referred in September when he started school and his diagnosis was in June this year so it was a quick turn around and I was already 2 months pregnant. Also his sons mothers side have a lot of family with autism there are no other people in my partners family with it so it wasn't something we thought our baby would have.

My partner is doing all he can to be honest I think i expected id be the babies main carer as I thought my son is more capable than his. If i knew my son would be struggling this much I wouldn't have had a baby. Its very unfortunate and I am really down about my decision.

Show quote history

You made the decision for a reason and even though it is so hard, that doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. You’re really in the trenches at the moment - having a four month old is hard! Having a disabled child is hard! Having both is hard! You’re allowed to find it hard. But they are your tiny people who you made from scratch and even if you’re in survival mode right now, you’ll get through it. It’s such early days for your older child to get his head around this change. You need as much support as possible for someone to look after your youngest so you can have 1:1 time with your eldest as a priority.

Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 21:32

PrincessPeache · 25/08/2024 20:38

I say this with kindness but you don’t just “find out” your son has autism. You say he has a diagnosis, but he would have been on a waiting list for years. You made a decision to have a baby knowing there was at least one severely disabled child and another suspected one, so you will have had an idea that this would be very hard. I’m not saying this to be a dick, I’m saying it to remind you that you actively chose that it would be worth it - and it still will be. You can do this because, like you said, you have no choice. Your partner needs to step up; remind him that if he is unable to help you look after the baby when you’re all together at the weekend, then he will find it a lot harder when you leave him and he has the baby by himself every other weekend. Because the relationship will not last unless he steps up.

You are doing ok. It’s so hard. Lack of sleep is the absolute worst. Don’t feel bad if you need to switch to bottle feeds so that your partner can do feeds in the night so you can sleep. Practice some deep breathing techniques to help you get through a shower whilst the baby cries. Soups in a flask to keep you fed throughout the day until you find it a bit easier to sit down for a proper meal. Your son has been with family for a few nights - can you ask them if they can take him one morning a week whilst your partner takes his two children out (put the baby in a carrier).

I hope this starts to get easier for you soon.

I fell pregnant before his diagnosis and honestly his behavior was not anything like it has been in the past 6 months hes just regressed and I didnt actually think he had autism because he was fine with me at home. I think having 1:1 attention at all times was a different environment to what as have now so actually had I known he would have this much of a struggle I wouldn't have chosen to have another. He was referred in September when he started school and his diagnosis was in June this year so it was a quick turn around and I was already 2 months pregnant. Also his sons mothers side have a lot of family with autism there are no other people in my partners family with it so it wasn't something we thought our baby would have.

My partner is doing all he can to be honest I think i expected id be the babies main carer as I thought my son is more capable than his. If i knew my son would be struggling this much I wouldn't have had a baby. Its very unfortunate and I am really down about my decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 21:23

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 25/08/2024 20:34

Would a buggy board help so you can go walking ? Or would he ride a scooter. Does the six year old go to school ? There is medication the doctor can give children with autism to make them sleep. I really hope things settle down as the baby gets older things should get easier and your son will adjust to having to share the attention. Really sorry things are so hard for you right now 💐

Hes a bit tall for a buggy board but someone suggested a sling with the baby and eldest in pushchair although..He had a cart I used to pull him round in but hes quote big now so that would probably hurt my back. As for mediation I have an appointment booked for a few weeks time for this. His diagnosis is so new that im stil trying to get my head round it but hoepfully melatonin can help.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueandgreen247 · 25/08/2024 21:20

Mumoftwo1316 · 25/08/2024 20:32

Sorry if this is obvious but are you overdressing the baby if he's hot and sweaty? A 4 month old shouldn't be regularly sweaty ideally. If he's too warmly dressed that might explain why he won't drop off for naps.

Can dc1 sit on the floor with the baby in his lap, in the same room as you, while you have a meal or shower? I mean when the baby is in a good mood. My 4yo is happy to do this for short periods (but long enough for me to have a body shower). I have to talk/sing to them but at least I have a moment with both hands free

I hadn't actually thought about this. I think its been hot lately so he has only been in vests but he seems to get so worked up when put in his bouncer or swinging seat he is like sticky when I pick him up so he could be too warm. I couldn't leave baby with his brother unattended the thought scares me too much.

OP posts:
Justlurking101 · 25/08/2024 21:05

baby carrier for the baby, you can do housework while they are strapped to you, they will usually nap with the movement, you will have 2 free hands to make snacks, tidy up.. for showers, get in and out as fast as you can while baby in cot!

Can you create a little den for 6yo in his room, buy some sound proofing insulation panels like they use in recording studios (they are just foam inexpensive) cosy lighting, sensory stuff. a tent to go over his bed or cosy area under a mid sleeper he can escape to?

weird a father would disown a child after a diagnosis, surely the child is the exact same before and after a diagnosis is given? Your poor boy!! How is he at school? Does he get autism support, have you applied for disability support for him to help meet his needs?

Sending you strength, you can do it for yourself and your kids 🙌

TheKoalaWhoCould · 25/08/2024 21:01

Practical things - for your oldest and your stepson, you need to request a disability social worker to start the process for funded carer payments.

I presume your partner’s child attends specialist school? Usually the TAs will do PA work at weekends and holidays?

Get the SEN buggy and wear the baby in a sling.

There’s no easy way to say what I need to say next, but if you have a child with autism, there is a higher likelihood genetically that subsequent children will also have autism. As there is autism on both sides of your baby’s family tree there is a raised possibility of SEN. This means that things could continue to be challenging in terms of behaviour all round so it’s really important to act now and ask for all the help there is - Sure Start, inclusion support service, DLA etc.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh - I have to be honest - I have a 7yo DS who sounds much like your partner’s DS - LDs, non-verbal, constant close supervision needed etc and I am just really surprised that anyone would choose to have another child in those circumstances - did you and your partner discuss the genetic risks beforehand?