Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

"He has as much right to know as his wife."

No he does not. The daughter is 20 - an adult, not a child. Neither parent has the "right to know", unless the daughter chooses to share this information.

You are! Your daughter will never forget the support and love! You’ve got this 💪
If there came a time later to tell him, I’m sure he would understand and just be grateful you were there for her xxx

This. 💯

In my personal opinion my daughter/children come first and ANYTHING they come to me with is kept between me and them and goes no further until they choose to do so unless it was really necessary, your daughters 20 so she has her right to tell who she wants, and that's all there is too it, keep strong momma x

@batt3nb3rg aren't you a ray of sunshine! I sincerely hope you don't have daughters of your own. How cold can you be!!

I absolutely wouldn't even tell my husband this if my daughter didn't want me too. Its her body and her decision who does and doesn't know. I see no benefit anyone knowing this who doesn't need too. She needs to be able to trust yo be able to confide in you. If she'd done something criminal, I'd not keep it a secret but this is her secret to keep as an adult.

In my opinion, and it’s a strong opinion , it’s absolutely not your choice to make at all. Support your daughter, it’s her choice who she tells and it’s really not about you. I can’t tell you how much I don’t mean that to be harsh but telling someone she doesn’t want to know is completely unfair I order to protect your relationship with that person. I’m really sorry you’re all going through this, I can imagine it’s really hard for you too. X

Absolutely this!!

The OP’s first post literally says:
“My husband is old school and still treats her as a child!”
and “probably due to him not being as understanding as I am”.
Oh and not to forget “all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this.”

So no, I don’t think he’ll feel exactly the same as the OP. Yes it’s his daughter, but her termination is none of his fucking business. Period. And the OP’s description of him doesn’t put him in a good light. Quite the opposite of a supportive parent really.

If the OP really can’t bear not telling her husband about her daughters private medical needs then there’s a serious problem here.

What is wrong with all the ppl on here tonight taking this to levels that is not needed. This man is ops husband and the dds father. Op is not putting him first over her dd, to say it's not his 'fucking business ' as one random on here said is just awful. There are alot of amazing dads out their who adore their kids and would do anything to support them and yes that even means maybe a lecture or two. Give op a bloody break. She's in a tough spot.. it's her husband for crying out loud not a stranger in the street..

IMO your loyalty is always first to your spouse. Everyone in my family knows that telling me something means they are telling my husband something. If your children don’t see you and your spouse as an inseparable unit, then you have gone astray somewhere.

To OP, if your daughter is old enough to become pregnant, she is old enough to face the consequences of her actions. If she’s chronically irresponsible, facing her father’s disappointment in her may be an important step in growing out of this kind of behaviour.

I love this ❤️
You have explained it very well.

You have an amazing mum.

The dad never even needs to know.

You didn’t even need to know, she just needed some support and chose you.

Please keep her secret.
This is not for you to tell anyone else or encourage her to tell anyone else.

If chooses to never tell her dad, that’s her choice.
If she chooses to tell half the world, that’s also her choice.

When I had an abortion I felt I couldn’t go to my parents.
I went to my best friend of 15+ years because I needed support and trusted her.
She then went and told her DH because ‘she tells him everything’.
It was the biggest betrayal which I will never forgive.

Posted before I was finished. OTOH op, you are doing the right thing and it’s great you’re supporting your Dd. I have been in the same position as her twice. Wishing her well

This isn’t even mum to daughter. This is woman to woman. You keep your mouth closed.

It's your daughter's decision, not yours. Just crack on with supporting her and she can worry about whether she wants to tell her dad.

I was in your DD’s position once and confided in my mum. She helped me through the hardest thing I had to go through, at 16yo, and still to this day (16 yrs on) she’s never told my dad, at my request. For this I will be eternally grateful and it’s not because I don’t love him or trust him - it’s just because I wanted to confide only in my mum….

Why does he need to know at all? It’s up to her whether she tells him. It’s a medical procedure that doesn’t in any way concern him. Unless your daughter gives you express permission to tell him, you shouldn’t.

You sound like an amazing mum and wife to be honest! You’re in a difficult position and I completely get why you’re feeling so torn. From the little I’ve heard you seem like an open, caring family and I think the PPs suggestion about asking your DD if she would consider telling dad if he promised not to react is the way forward. Obviously if she maintains that she doesn’t want to, the only way is to support her and broach it with your DH later down the line. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. These choices and responsibilities are hers at the end of the day but the way she feels comfortable in sharing it with you shows how much she trusts you and values your support.

Her mum is supporting her!! And she isn't telling her DH! I'm just being understanding to the OP. You are honestly telling me you don't understand at all why she wants to tell her DH? To have someone to talk to who will also feel exactly the same as her, because it's his daughter as well!?

If she's struggling with keeping this from him she's hardly going to want to start counselling in private is she.

They have a great relationship and she hates keeping things from him but I understand why she feels the need to this time - as said with previous failed contraception and the conversations they've had about this before it's possible she feels as though she's let him down
I've said this before but this is seriously messed up. Once you become an adult there are things that you keep from parents because it's private. Your sex life is one of them. Like I said, I'm sure he doesn't share his sex life details with your dd. If not why not, your are all close and don't keep secrets?

It’s absolutely none of his business, and it’s up to her to tell him when/if she decides to. This is not your decision to make.

Bloody hell judgemental much!!