Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

It's a tricky situation, but the person that matters first and foremost is your daughter. Having an abortion can be terrifying and obviously comes with a huge amount of emotional turmoil. She's been honest with you and wants/needs your support. If she doesn't want her dad to know, I think you need to respect this. It's hard, particularly if you share everything with eachother, but on this occasion it has to be up to your daughter whether or not she's comfortable with her dad knowing. Let her decide in her own time. Sending hugs - to you both.

Wtf how?

I can see both sides.

If she is planning on telling him eventually then i would just support her through it the best you can. If your husband is as good as you say then he will understand why she only wanted to tell you initially.

If she was expecting a lecture from your DH, then you should maybe give her the talking to after the event, you can tell your DH so he doesn’t feel he has to.

Being a bit presumptive here, but guessing from the lack of partner supporting her through this that this was a casual encounter? And the previous failures to take contraception reliably? You sound that you have your head screwed on, and it’s good that you have an open environment to discuss this. But there are lots of other risk factors here such as STIs, but also just general safety, does she know this men enough to know she’ll be safe?

Not quite the point of the thread, but maybe suggest to your daughter she gets a Mirena coil fitted at the time of her termination. I got one when I had mine and it was life changing

Not your information to share I"m afraid.

If you need to offload, you need to book a counsellor. Her body, her choice. I don't agree that you can tell anyone.

It's something that he needs to work on if he does want his daughter to confide in him in the future.

OP, there's also a chance that she will have the abortion and then decide that she doesn't want him to know at all.

You can't betray your daughters trust. If your husband is a good man he will understand that and if he was the one in this situation he wouldn't betray her trust either. It's a difficult time for her and she needs your support. She needs to know she can trust you completely. Maybe she will tell her dad further down the line and maybe she won't but that's up to her.
I tell my husband everything, he's the closest person to me in the world but my children are my priority and if it were important to them that he did not get told about something personal about them then I would honour that even if i didn't agree with it. I'd be sad that he might eventually find out and be hurt. But I know he would understand that the kids come first and if they needed that type of support you'd give it. I'd expect him to do the same.

Why would you tell him?! Not up to you to disclose her medical appointments or her personal life. By all means tell your DH that you are going with DD to a medical appointment, but just tell him "it's a personal thing" and leave it at that. No need to give any details whatsoever. Her choice who gets to know, not yours.

If sharing an adult's sensitive medical information with someone, was highly likely to be the only practical way of keeping them out of severe physical danger, you might be justified, if not, you don't share it without permission. To not tell your husband is right, to do so would be evil. END OF If she was a child, yes her other legal parent or guardians might need to know, she is not.

Also, NRTFT but a 20 yo really does not have to tell her dad about an abortion

Feelings don't have to have validity, you both feel how you feel on this, the important part is to think about how you're feeling and why and to acknowledge she's an adult now and then work out what is valid to express and what should be worked on or kept to yourself. In this situation I'd be most concerned about DD, abortions can be hard to cope with mentally for some people, there's no right or wrong reaction, but if she falls into that group my priority and focus would be on supporting her.

Would I be hurt if she didn't tell me, maybe, would I be angry if this was a pattern of behaviour maybe. I dont think anyone can really say how they'd react If they haven't been there. Is the reaction you think he'd have understandable in light of past behaviour, maybe, but he's an adult and it would be his responsibility to get support or otherwise deal with his feelings over this, not take them out on her. Even if he'd been an amazingly supportable parent who'd never put a foot wrong it wouldn't actually change his right to know or your right to tell her because she's 20 and neither of you have a right to know or share her personal medical information. He has no right to EVER know this information unless she tells him or asks you to tell him. I'm hoping the yet in the title is you thinking she'll eventually tell him, not you thinking it's ok to tell him later, because it will never be ok for you to tell him or anyone else your adult daughters private medical information.

But in that case it means you risk that happening. It's not an endorsement of breaking your friends' trust.

100% this.

IDK because I don't know your daughter but is there a possibility that him treating her like a child when she gets things wrong adds to her continuing to behave more immaturely?

Maybe a change of approach from a teaching lesson and making her see the error of her ways might be better all round.

My parents were a bit 'we know best' and I don't think it ever helped me to assess things in a more grown up way, if anything it worked against it.

I think she's 20 so it's up to her who she tells. I know that puts you in a difficult position but maybe after it's over and she's feeling stronger she will be ready to tell him

This one has more posters saying do not tell, yes.

I've seen enough of these threads though where the majority of MN says, when asked about a friend sharing a secret, 'what you tell them you tell their husband too'.

I think this thread, in which the vast majority of posters have said she shouldn’t tell her husband, disproves that somewhat.

There's no woman to woman on MN.

This is the land of 'I tell my husband everything, because there are no secrets between us'.

When men know what it feels like to have other people attempt to police and control their bodies, I’m all for them having a say over abortion.

It’s definitely the man’s fault

All of this. The OP laid out the case well of why it absolutely makes sense that the daughter doesn't want her father to be told.

This.

I have lots of opinions about things that exclusively affect men. They don’t have to take my opinion into account, but I’m allowed to hold them, just like men are allowed to hold opinions on abortion. They probably have more of a right to those opinions than I do to have mine on men’s issues as all men were once unborn and no pregnancy happens without the involvement of a man.

A man cannot compel an unwanted abortion, and cannot stop a wanted abortion. That is because the baby is inside the body of the mother. Saying that men don’t even have the right to an opinion on this topic is absurd.