Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

Because it is HER body. No one is entitled to know information about her body without her permission.

His daughter who is an adult and is not compelled to share with him.
if she confided in someone else, would they also be obligated to tell? Of course not!

He needs to reflect on why rather than throwing his weight around. It isn’t all about him, and the fact that they know he would make it into being about him really shows his immaturity.

His daughter is an adult with a right to privacy and the right to decide who she tells things to. Her father, or her mother, are not entitled to know anything she doesn't want them to. Is this really so hard to grasp?

The mum should know because the adult daughter chose to confide her private medical information to her mum. If she hadn’t chosen to do so, her mum would have no right to know either.
Having a child does not mean you are entitled to their private medical information for the rest of their lives, just because they are your child. It doesn’t work like that.

I don't see why the mum should know and not the dad. This isn't about 'his mum' or 'her friend'. It's about HIS daughter!

All the dads ‘hard line’ approach has done is made his daughter stop talking to him about her issues. That isn’t what you want at all.

She’s also 20, not 16. She isn’t lying or keeping a secret because her dad isn’t entitled to her medical information.

There has been a lot I haven't shared with my mum over the years as I'm well aware she would feel the need to tell my Dad. Which, frankly, is a shame.

You're making this a tiny bit too much about you OP. Support your daughter and her decisions, even if that means that she eventually decides never to tell her dad.

I guarantee after the abortion she will not need a "talking to". I don't know anyone who would ever choose to go through an abortion twice. It's likely after this she will never find herself in this situation again as it's really not a nice procedure to go through.

adults have the right to privacy. You don’t have to tell another adult your private medical information- or your financial information or any other information.

This is an adult who has confided in her mother a very difficult and delicate personal issue. Her mother has absolutely no right to break that confidence.

I am shocked that so many people on this thread would break a confidence in this way. Would you tell confidential work information to your husband because you think it’s lying?

do you even understand what a lie is?

and ofocurse it’s okay for adults to keep secrets! It’s not the babysitters club!

He is my biggest support during all the issues I have

This isn't your "issue" though it is your daughter's.

It’s not ‘a secret’. It’s someone else’s medical information, which is confidential. If you worked in healthcare would you pass on your patients’ private medical info to your husband because you ‘don’t keep secrets’?

Obviously your DD does not think he is super supportive.
So be an adult and do one thing she asked you to do without a bloke handholding you.

I don't think so at all. Confidentiality has its place in grown up relationships.

Secrets are things involving YOU that you keep from your partner. Like an affair, or spending £2000 on shoes. Not information purely regarding other people that is not yours to share. The abortion is not her business and not her secret. It's the daugher's.

My husband has absolutely no reason to be told that some of my close friends have had abortions or abusive relationships. Or, say, my mum's medical history. I don't expect him to tell me everything his mum confides to him. We trust each other to be honest where it counts. I work in healthcare and can't tell him about my patients, fundamentally i see this as no different. Likewise a lot of jobs require confidentiality or NDAs.

The daugher isn't in their relationship and doesn't consent to her information being shared. If OP blabs, what lessons is she teaching about keeping promises, privacy, or consent? Or confidentiality? I'd argue that revealing it would be setting a poorer example. Putting aside that she's not a child any more and doesn't need patronising.

If OP told him, it could ruin her relationship with her daughter, potentially forever if she feels that her confidence has been betrayed. It won't be teaching the daugher anything apart from that she can't rely on her mum to keep her word and listen to her. And if the dad reacts unkindly, it could permanently affect her relationship with him too. People cut off their parents for far less.

It's hard for OP, but keeping quiet is by far the best choice here. The daugher may reveal it herself in good time.

I agree.

Your husband won't be hurt if he doesn't know, op. What is the point of telling him?

I understand that you probably have a burning desire to offload but if you cannot keep this under control, find someone totally impartial, and confidential, in whom to confide. Also we are here, not the same as telling someone personally or over the telephone but posting here may help.

Good luck.

Agree with this too! 👏👏

This! For me personally, I'd see this as, first and foremost, teaching the daughter that it's OK to lie/keep secrets.

OP says they've had issues in the past with contraception. Could it be that OP's sympathetic approach has somewhat 'enabled' her daughter's risky behaviour?

Maybe the dad's more hard-line approach would dissuade the daughter from getting into these situations in the first place?

My dad was the most amazing man buy, boy, was he strict. Growing up, he'd say to me: 'If you come home here at 16 pregnant, your bags will be on the doorstep'.
Of course, I know now, he would never have followed through with that. But, at the time, the thought that he might was all I needed to behave myself.

Personally, I don't keep secrets from my husband & my children will know this. However, in your shoes I'd be saying to DD that I wouldn't reveal any info but wouldn't be participating/ discussing further without being able to tell DH. Just how my marriage works though x

I took DD for surgical TOP at 17, almost 10 years ago. MAP x2 failure. I paid cash in London clinic. DH had no clue and still doesn't know. It was her business not his.
He is also a wonderful caring man but either way, it's not his business.
I'd do it again tomorrow if needed.

What's wrong with a condom? Does no-one care about STI's any more? Was your husband good at contraception at 16? People in glass houses..

The thing is, he's allowed to have opinions about abortions, in general. But his opinion on abortions in general is almost irrelevant - because he's not entitled to her private information.

It's also worth noting that he's not the baby's father and in no way directly involved with the pregnancy. And that even the father of this pregnancy isn't legally entitled to know if she terminates. Every person has the expectation of privacy around their medical information.

I think we're getting into irrelevant things, here. The topic at hand was whether OP should tell her husband. And the consensus is that it's not her secret to tell.

As a grown adult, his daugher is allowed to have privacy over her private medical information and to expect that if she asks someone close to her to keep something in confidence, that they will do so unless it's an emergency that warrants revealing it. Nobody in her life is entitled to know about her abortion unless she tells them. Not even a parent.

OP is a good mum, she's supportive and entirely reasonable to discuss this here because it's weighing on her to keep a secret. I feel bad that the thread has gone on many tangents rather than answering her question.

And it sounds like the daughter may tell her dad at some point, and that he will probably eventually be supportive. But right now she needs privacy and to know that her mother has her back.

Wow can't believe you'd even consider telling him??
This is your dd body and rights... Absolutely nothing to do with him at all ...why on earth would you or even she talk about her sex life and consequences with him???

If ahe feels like sharing her medical/sexual information with him... Completely to do with her..
If she can't trust you to keep her confidence then you should tell her......

Cows aren't monogamous and don't form bonds or connections with bulls other than the same herding behaviour they exhibit with other cows. The only and only thing they are devoted to, and fiercely so, is her own calves. Even if a person is just standing in between Daisy and one of her babies, she'll trigger a payment from their life insurance policy without hesitation. you'd be hard pushed to find a better example of a creature that's as uninterested in men and totally dedicated to their children as your average Belted Galloway or Red Poll is...

Also people in a relationship being devoted to each other is perfectly normal, it's kind of the point of the thing. It's not reasonable to chastise people for having a functional relationship, same as it's not reasonable to chastise someone for not turning absolutely everything in to a gender issue, or for not prioritising confronting gender issues over and above everything else in their lives.

Oh op, I'd want to tell my husband but it's best not to break your daughters confidence. He need never know.

I had a difficult adolescence and my mom kept secrets for me and I’m so grateful, particularly now I have a daughter. Becoming a parent myself has made me realise how heavy that burden was for her ❤️

@Anxiousyoungmum87 Please don't tell him for her. I don't agree with abortion but it's up to her who she tells. She shouldn't have any pressure to tell him either.

She's an adult so it's only his business if she chooses to make it his business. It's not something that effects him.

I hope she does get the coil if she doesn't want a baby yet. I have a rare dangerous reaction to hormonal contraception, and had the hormone-free coil for 8 years, and it was ok.