Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

I do indeed, I live in it.

Find someone else to confide in, book a therapist, call the Samaritans or BPAS...DD feels it's not for your husband to hear so he can't be the one 'helping you through' this one.

I had a termination and told an aunt on my dad's side and she told my dad. It caused a huge rift, I didn't speak to them for years and it's still never been the same.

You do know there's a big world outside of Mumsnet, right?

Is there any chance that he would find out later on ?

You're getting hung up on the detail. This isn't about the procedure per se... it's about the daughter telling her mother something and asking her not to tell her dad. THAT'S the very definition of a secret!!

It’s providing a unique insight for me into why so many adults end up on the ‘but we took you to Stately Homes’ threads.

Totally agree. This thread is providing a unique insight into why marriages break down and families fall apart. Why can't people just be open and honest?

As I said previously, I'd be confident that we'd created an environment where our daughter felt she could confide in both parents.

I absolutely think the reaction would be different had the daughter told the dad, not the mum.

Also, why is everyone zoning in on this 'medical information' nonsense!? This is a far bigger issue than just 'medical information' and anyone who doesn't think so is just being obtuse.

Not for me.

It isn’t a secret because no one is entitled to an adults medical information.

That is the case no matter what.

If the situation was reversed and the DD had only told her DF, I think people’s reactions on here may well be different

Absolutely not. It’s still her confidential medical information, that she has chosen to share with one parent. Entirely irrelevant which parent that is, neither should be sharing that information without her consent.
I wish people would stop calling her choice to have an abortion ‘a secret’, like it’s something shady. It’s a medical procedure, and medical information is confidential.

If the daughter had only told her father & asked him not to tell her mum, I wonder if he'd be in such a dilemma about "keeping secrets"?

This would be a real dilemma for me. Keeping secrets can destroy a relationship, and in this scenario the DD is keeping a secret from her DF and is also expecting her DM to keep a secret from him. She’s actually put her DM in a very difficult situation. Her DM naturally doesn’t want to expose her secret but is also sad that she has to keep such a big secret from her DH
Why are classing private medical information as a secret. An adult has the right to decide who they chose to tell about a medical incident. It doesn't become a topic of conversation with other people even if they are your husband.

If the situation was reversed and the DD had only told her DF, I think people’s reactions on here may well be different.
I really disagree to be honest.

So adult son confides in his dad that he has caught an STD from a one night stand. He is ashamed and knows his mum will think less of him but wants some advice from his dad. Dad automatically tells mum and father son relationship destroyed - trust gone.

Wife is a social worker - learns confidential information about neighbours. Breaches confidentiality because she and her husband don’t keep secrets. Husband lets slip to other neighbour and wife gets fired.

wife’s sister confides she is having some
mental health struggles. Wife tells husband because secrets are bad for their relationship. Sister can tell he knows, stops speaking to sister and loses that support.

not all confidential information needs to be shared. Can adults not trust each other that they can have information that doesn’t need to be shared.

You couldn’t not tell your husband something that your daughter has confided in you about? Wow that’s wonderful parenting. It’s not about you. Why are some mothers like this??

They wouldn’t be different- loads of people would say “Is your reaction to unwanted news to lose your temper and make it all about you? If yes, then you put yourself in this situation.”

If You have a husband who has to be ‘managed’ then at least try to recognize that you are emotionally mollycoddling him, because that’s the level of maturity he’s operating on. And vice versa!

She isn’t Keeping a Secret’ she’s keeping her private medical information private.

This would be a real dilemma for me. Keeping secrets can destroy a relationship, and in this scenario the DD is keeping a secret from her DF and is also expecting her DM to keep a secret from him. She’s actually put her DM in a very difficult situation. Her DM naturally doesn’t want to expose her secret but is also sad that she has to keep such a big secret from her DH.
If the situation was reversed and the DD had only told her DF, I think people’s reactions on here may well be different.

Guess it does 🤷‍♀️

My daughter would be raised not to expect me to lie to her dad.

Oh totally, I'm the same. Both fiercely independent with our own careers, hobbies, regular trips away with the lads/girls. Been this way for the entire 30 years we've been together/married.

What we've never done in that time, though, is keep a secret like this. It's just not how we do things.

It's both. If they are still married/living together and he IS her biological father, then I think he should be told.

Divorced/remarried/separated/step-parents scenarios would create a completely different dynamic. HTH.

Also, I've been married 30 years, so perfectly 'aware' thanks.

Again, confidential medical information is not ‘a secret’, it’s confidential medical information. But if I’d been raised to know that my mother wouldn’t keep my confidence then this situation wouldn’t have arisen anyway, because I wouldn’t have told her in the first place. So I guess that solves the issue. I’d have confided in someone else instead.

From what I can gather from the OP, the daughter only ever thinks about herself. Maybe it's time for that to change...?

My daughter would be raised to know that, as a family, we don't keep secrets.
Trust is a two-way street.

Yes of course they do. But in exercising that right, in this instance, the daughter is knowingly causing a rift between her happily married parents by asking one of them to keep a fairly significant secret.

As an adult, she is absolutely allowed to make whatever life choices she likes. However, those life choices shouldn't impact others. Least of all, her parents marriage!