Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

I agree with this. It's not for a father to have strong opinions on his daughter's sex life and contraceptive choices!

Despite your evasion above, OP, I hope DD will be able to gently explain to him why she didn't tell him.

What a strange assumption. I live in a houseful of men and love them all dearly. I don't kowtow to them though, and I wouldn't sell out another woman to keep them happy.

Op, I feel for you. I read your posts to my own DH.

His take - you owe your child everything, including keeping her confidence. If it were his daughter he would expect me to respect her wishes.

Easy to say, as we are not in your shoes. But hopefully, once she is out the other side, she may feel happier to share.

She’s placed you in a really difficult position, but I’m sure you already know you can’t tell your DH, it would be a huge breach of your DD’s trust.

However, given you’ve had “issues with her & failed contraception in the past” I’d be telling her that if she continues to use abortion as a method of contraception going forward, she needs to seek support elsewhere.

I can't fathom why either she or you thinks he needs to know in the first place. Also not sure why she feels as though she's 'let him down' - she's an adult, her body and her sex life (regardless of how stupid her decisions have been) are her own business and not something she should feel her dad has any moral judgement over (or you, for that matter). I am all for being open and honest with parents and usually think it's nice when kids can talk to their parents about anything, but this all feels very strange to me.

She shouldn’t feel like this in the first place; that’s not right or ok.

@sprigatito
I guess you don't like men very much?

As others have said it’s your DD’s choice on telling him or anybody else.

An abortion doesn’t have to be a huge decision/issue. It’s a medical procedure to end an unwanted or non viable pregnancy. If done early it is non surgical, and straightforward.

I appreciate it can be a difficult choice for some women, but the facts above remain.

I don’t know the circumstances here, and you indicate some ongoing issues re contraception so I hope your daughter is able to get the advice and support she needs going forward.

He can’t support you through this, because she doesn’t want him to know; and you shouldn’t influence that decision.

Do you have a friend they you can talk to instead? You can have some support - it just can’t be your husband. His previous behaviour has meant your daughter does not want him to know; and that’s unlikely to change after the fact, she’s unlikely to tell new people about it.

If you’ve got no one in real life, you could talk about it here instead.

She’s likely to never confide in you again if you tell him, though. She’s trusted you with something major.

It’s her daughter’s private medical information. If I was your daughter our relationship would be irretrievably damaged if you passed on my medical information without my consent.

Why does her dad need to know??

It wouldn't be up to you at all. It would be up to your adult daughter and what she chooses to do and say.

Daughter might need to consider long term contraception by implant for example if her usual methods are not working for her.

Do not tell your husband. He doesn't need to know and the contract is between you and your daughter, as she has taken YOU into her confidence. You could lose your daughter altogether if you break this trust.

My opinion FWIW.

While I agree that your dd is an adult and has the right to her privacy and her own bodily autonomy, I see why you find this tricky and I can also understand why a father would feel hurt by kept in the dark about this. She's 20 years old and has every right to make her own decisions but she's also his daughter and I can see that being difficult if he finds out.

That being said, if he's not likely to react in the supportive way she needs right now, then that's kind of on him for not managing himself better in the past.

I think op I'd make it clear that you're there 100% for your dd and you want to help her navigate this in any way she can. I would ask her if she's planning to keep this secret from her dad forever, if she wants to tell him at some point, or if she'd find it easier for you to tell him. That way you could maybe help him see the importance of putting his own feelings aside and focusing on dd. But I'd only do that if you think he's capable of doing that in the first place. If he's not then I think you say nothing and get on with it and if he's angry later then you tell him that it was dds information to share when she felt ready.

@Anxiousyoungmum87 I wasn't referring to you! I was replying to the poster who said she would tell her husband everything.

It's absolutely none of his business if she doesn't want it to be, there is no need for him to know.

Not your news to tell

If she was is child I think I’d tell him (because she’s a shared responsibility), but as an adult, I think it’s probably reasonable not to tell him. I can see your predicament though.

You don't tell him anything at all, not ever, if your DD doesn't want you to.

It's her private medical information. You have no right to share it.

Thank you for supporting your daughter, please don't betray her trust.

This has to be your DDs decision.

If it causes some sort of rift, tbh I think that's on your DH - he's an adult and needs to manage his own reaction. If he feels hurt....maybe he'll need reminding that it's not about him, it was about what your dd felt she needed.

Well I agree if she doesn't want to tell him it's not really your place to do so.

However if she has a history of failed contraception she doesn't appear to be behaving in an adult way so perhaps your DH has a point about not treating her as a responsible adult.

I'm pro choice regarding abortion but I dislike hearing it being used as a method of contraception. I think you should be having serious talks with your dd about responsible behaviour.

And also I hope she appreciates the difficult situation she has put you in.