Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

"a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this" and "a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this" are from opposite ends of the spectrum. If he's going to give her a lecture then he's not capable of helping her through this.

Its not your secret to keep from your dp, its your DDS life and secret to keep - you are supporting her and thats all there is to it

I would feel blessed, given the difficult circumstances, that your daughter has turned to you.

Sometimes, we have to unite with our daughters, I for one would definitely not tell my daughter's father about it. He would support her, but he would hold it against her. I hate to say that but I think he would ☹️

For now, concentrate on your daughter, the procedure and her recovery. It may be tough mentally and physically x

Thinking of you x

This 100% - it's not your choice to make

I'm with you. He will see she hasn't trusted him and that this is her decision but you will not be seen in the same light - he will see that as a breach of trust. Somehow you need to tell him.

I'd suggest something like

"DD has asked you to take her to a medical appointment and she doesn't want him to know. She's not dying or anything but needs a minor op."
"If she tells you what it is in future, that's fine, sadly I can't but I want you to know that I am supporting her. Please don't ask me for anymore details."

I think he'll suss it out himself from that then you can have a conversation. You have not breached her trust and nor have you excluded him. Make sure he does not discuss it with DD or anyone else.

I'd suggest the progesterone injections if she can't remember to take the pill @Anxiousyoungmum87

Best of luck to her. She's making a difficult decision.

It's not your secret to tell and as DD is an adult he doesn't have a right to know. If she is not telling him now she may never tell him which would mean no fall out between you and DH so I don't think it's worth you worrying about something that may never happen.

She's 20 - hasn't there been lots of uniquely female things in her life so far that she's confided in you but not wanted to tell her father?

Maybe my viewpoint is skewed because I have (always had) a single mum. But there are lots of things I'd prefer not to have to discuss with a man, even a close family member.

Your daughter doesn't owe her father any information.

It’s not your secret to tell. Just support your daughter

One of mine had a termination at 18 or 19. Dh wasn't told then and not subsequently. It's not a reflection of him. Just dd wanted to keep it private.

Maybe she feels no judgement from you (which is good!) but you also said your adult child probably feels like they let their dad down over having unprotected sex - that you think it's even a possibility that she's considering her dad in her sexual and medical decisions indicates you're overinvolved in her life, in my opinion. As another poster has said - the power dynamic is odd, if that's the case.

It's easy, as a mother to your daughter say nothing.

Men, like fathers, see things differently.

This isn't about you. It really, really isn't. This is your adult daughter's private medical information of the highest sensitivity and that trumps all. I'm alarmed you would even consider telling him.

A few years ago, my Mum supported my sister through her abortion & she didn’t want my dad to know so nobody ever told him. If your daughter doesn’t want him to know, I would respect that. You don’t want her to lose trust in you.
Good luck with it all x

She's 20. It's perfectly normal for adults not to tell other adults about their lives. We are all entitled to keep our own private business private. If she chooses never to tell her father, that's fine, and I trust that the OP will respect that.

He doesn't even need to know! If she wants to tell him, she can, but her reproductive choices are literally no one's business but her own.

Neither of my parents are aware I've had an abortion and that's my choice, they don't need intimate knowledge of my uterus. It'd be a massive overstep and betrayal to tell him yourself.

It's not your place to tell him. End of.

Please don't.

with previous failed contraception and the conversations they've had about this before it's possible she feels as though she's let him down

She shouldn't. And if she does the relationship dynamics are off.

As somebody who’s mother went running to my Dad to spill all on more than one occasion with information I’d asked her to keep quiet….please don’t tell your DH. If you say your DD will be telling him anyway the it doesn’t matter; and even if she decides not to, you keep it to yourself.

I now tell my DM nothing, good or bad, she showed me she couldn’t be trusted with information and in the end lost the privilege of me confiding in her….ever.

I understand it must be really difficult to almost be stuck in the middle but right now you have your DD’s trust and if you lose that be telling her secrets you may never get it back.

This is rubbish. The daughter is the one who needs support here, she’s going through the procedure after all. She shouldn’t feel she has to give anyone her private medical information if she doesn’t want to. It’s not a piece of gossip she’s passing on, it’s private medical information about her own body. Great that she trusts her mum with that information, but it’s her information to give.

You support her.

Then I think you will need to ask your DD not to put you in this position again. Explain how hard it is to manage this without him. That you don’t want him to think you have kept things from him.

I actually think your daughter is being rather selfish telling you and not your husband.

She's 20 so is aware that secrets in relationships can cause resentment and trust issues. You'll have to lie directly to him when you take her- say you're going elsewhere. I think that's a horrid thing of her to ask you. She must also be aware this is something you may need support with and she's blocking your support.

I would never ask this of half a couple. Eg. If I disclose secrets to friends I do so fully accepting they'll discuss with their other half.

They have a great relationship and she hates keeping things from him but I understand why she feels the need to this time

That is so messed up. She is entitled to a private life. Does he tell her absolutely everything about his sex life?