Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

It just isn’t your problem to worry about telling anyone. Your role here is solely supporting your daughter and nothing more. I had an abortion at 21 and told my mum about 10 hours before the appointment that I planned to just do by myself. She came up with a whole story of me needing dental treatment and someone to stay with me for sedation etc all day to explain the day out to my dad. I could never have done it myself and it was so good to have her there. My dad has never found out about this and does not need to. I’m 36 weeks pregnant now with a very much loved & wanted grand baby and he is over the moon.
Had she told him behind my back feeling it was her duty it would’ve totally ruined the experience for me as it’s brought us closer and I know I can go to her for anything. Sometimes the men in your life just don’t need to be involved and this is definitely one of those times.

I done this with my middle sister still to this day know one knows about it.

@Disillusionedwithlife summed it up perfectly.

What the actual fuck?

Encourage her to tell him?? In a letter??

This is all kinds of wrong. It’s sick actually.

I don't understand it either.

@Anxiousyoungmum87 your daughter should be able to trust you with confidential information, regardless of your husband's temperament. This information is really not his business.

I've never met a man who says the success of his marriage is based on sharing everyone's confidence with his wife 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Of course you shouldn’t tell him. She is the one who needs support and that should be the priority.

It isn’t DH’s business. She is 20, not 12.

This is none of your DH’s business!! This is the personal reproductive/ medical info of an adult woman.

If my mum went behind my back at 20 and told my dad something like that, a very very personal medical decision I don’t think I would be speaking to her for a very long time (if ever). I’m not really sure why this is a question.

This.....several pages of responses and only one that addresses the underlying issue

Can you strongly encourage her to tell him? Maybe in a letter? Then make sure you have a conversation with him before he can speak to her to tell him exactly why she didn’t tell him originally?

but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him!

It’s not your secret to keep.

It’s up to your daughter, and your daughter only, who she chooses to tell.

If this is affecting you, then please speak to a counsellor.

This

You'd risk losing your DD over your DH?

I wouldn't. Ever.

This is not your information. She has asked you not to share it and you must respect her wishes. If your DH doesn't understand that then what kind of relationship does he have with you and her - and everyone else in his life?

Having a child doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to their private medical information for the rest of their lives.

Don't be ridiculous. The daughter is a grown woman and we do not own our children, even though we may have created them.

For me it's not hierarchical. I just keep confidences in any direction.

If op's dh told her a private thing, she shouldn't tell her dd either. It goes both ways.

You’re in a very difficult position.
I would go with what your dd has asked for as you have done, but I can see it puts you on an impossible situation with regards to being upfront with your dh, whether that’s his own doing or not.
I have no words of wisdom, but you certainly have my sympathy.

Do you keep secrets from your dh that your friends have confided?

I'm an open book with dh about anything to do with me. But if a friend tells me something and asks me to keep it private, I'll take it to the grave. No cryptic hints.

Why would I respect my daughter less than a friend?

Children over husband/ partner always.

I love my DP to bits but if I had to keep something from him in order to maintain the trust and relationship with my children I without a doubt would.

Oh no, don't drop cryptic hints like this. It's just drama mongering. Either keep it a secret or don't.

Because she is his daughter ?

He has as much right to know as his wife. They created her 50/50.

He may not be that supportive & maybe you could tell him afterwards......but I think he should know.

And what happens if you got knocked down by a bus next week ? Will she not tell him things & have to go through lifes knocks on her own.

In the end you can do what you like but if I was him I'd would not be happy. And you'll be the brunt of any repercussions later.......not your daughter.

ive not read all the replies... i have learned many things from my teenage daughters and it seems nowadays 'plan b' as its known is more accepted, used and discussed among younger women nowadays and no vagina, no opinion.

I'm pleased that your DD felt able to come to you, and i hope that this is her own decision and is not being forced into it.

As much as secrets between husband and wife/ partners, this might be one that is kept to yourself. your DD is not a child, she is an adult and can make choices with or without you