Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

Hi OP,

I was your daughter twenty years ago; I told my mum beforehand and asked her not to tell my dad. I know she had the same concerns, and I know my dad would have been fully supportive. But I was comfortable with only her knowing.. I think I felt I would have let him down (even though I don't think he would have thought so!) It doesn't make total sense; we are so close and they would both give me the shirts off their back if I needed it, as would I for them.

My mum respected my wishes and I can't tell you how much that meant to me. I needed that support and trust at what was a difficult time. I would gently say respect your daughters wishes and let her tell him in her own time.

It's great that you are supporting her through this ❤️

Obviously not but going forward maybe she could try not to get pregnant in the first place and maybe op having a chat with her about how to use contraception could help

@Chichimcgee "Abortion shouldn't be used as contraception and failed contraception issues seems a bit suss" so your solution is to...have a child? I guarantee nobody is using abortion as "contraception", it's an invasive, mentally and physically difficult procedure for a woman to go through. I don't thing anybody would choose to use it as a form of contraception but sometimes mistakes/failures happen and abortion is there as a safe option if someone chooses that, and the choice is the most important part.

Women are more likely to share personal medical info with their mum than their dad - op I don't think it needs to be viewed as a negative that she's told you and not your DH.

Also, and apologies if I'm way off, but going by your user name, if you were only 17 when DD was born, is it possible that this is stirring up feelings/comparisons for you about what happened back then?

It will be wrong if you say something and if you don't say it either. It is not a topic which people will just be merry about

So would you suggest the OP’s daughter goes through with an unwanted pregnancy?

This is your take from this thread? 🙄

It's tricky because if my DH knew something about one of our children and didn't tell me I'd be so upset, however that would be because I'd want to support and be there for them.

How would it help them if they have expressly said they didn't want you to know? How would that be supportive? That would be putting your needs to be involved over their needs for privacy and autonomy.

Being supportive is often about what you don't do as much as what you do do.

This is the medical information of an adult woman. Please respect that.

Irrelevant at this point. She’s pregnant and she doesn’t want to be, so she’s having an abortion.

You seem like a very supportive and open family!
My DS had termination, neither of our parents were told, and for good reason. I know couple of friends that went through terminations, neither told their parents.... now that I've read about your family I realise how important it is for your children to trust you so that when they are going through tough times they will turn to you for support ❤️

I'd be upset with myself, not my husband. If I ever eventually got told by my son later, I'd humbly ask my son what I could do to be more approachable/confidable in future.

Abortion shouldn't be used as contraception and failed contraception issues seems a bit suss

It’s great that you have a supportive husband, it really is. I don’t think anyone has said otherwise. And when you have an issue for which you need support, it’s great that you can choose to tell him about it.
But this is not about you. It’s not your issue, and not your choice. Your daughter has chosen for you to support her with this, not him.

I don’t share my private sexual and reproductive medical information with my dad. Why? Because I don’t want to , and it’s none of his fucking business.

Absolutely no one is saying that having a supportive husband is a bad thing.

The bottom line is your daughter has chosen to tell you in confidence about her termination. Y’know, one of the most personal medical procedures a woman can go through.

If she doesn’t want to tell her dad, guess what, she doesn’t have to.

If she’s asked you to keep it from your husband, please do the bare minimum and keep it from him. What good will it be to your daughter if you betray her trust? Honestly?

If you are struggling with this and her termination is affecting you then as I’ve said before, please speak to a counsellor.

This is about her needs. Not yours.

Your first priority is to your daughter at this time.

Can I ask you that If your son (if you had one, if not, hypothetically) went to his father as he'd had unprotected sex and caught an STI, would you be upset if the father didn't tell you?

It's none of his business. If you tell him, she'll probably never trust you again.

No-one is saying it's bad to have a supportive husband. No-one is saying husbands can't be supportive. No-one is saying your husband isn't amazing.

What many people are saying is that there are some situations in which your loyalty to your daughter should be prioritised over your need for support. By betraying her private information or even urging her to spill her private information before she is ready to, you would unfortunately be putting yourself above your daughter. That would be okay if it was you going through the situation, but you're not. It's worse for your daughter, it just is.

Your daughter needing your support takes precedence over your own need for support in this. You have to put her needs first in this because what she will be experiencing will be 10x worse than what you are feeling/experiencing. Just be there for her during this and respect her wishes. If she does decide to tell him, hopefully he'll be understanding and respect why you didn't share as it's not yours or anyone else's business to tell.

A decent and mature adult shouldn’t need help in managing his reaction. And you shouldn’t normalize somebody that can’t control his temper. Who’s causing the rift here?

If you lose the head /lecture and behave like a dick then you have to accept that you get cut out of the information loop. And if he can’t cope with the reality that he is someone others want out of the loop then tough shit.

Hugs to you and your daughter OP.

It’s not your issue though, it’s hers. And she doesn’t want his support at this time, she wants yours.
It’s her undergoing the medical procedure. Her dealing with the physical and emotional effects. Not you.

Absolutely. There's a reason, obviously, why she doesn't tell her father. If you break her confidence on this, be prepared not to be told anything in the future, either.

No-one needs to tell or be encouraged to tell.

She doesn't want him to be told - end of. That's how I view confidential information shared with me.

The only reason he'd need to know is if she were a child. She's an adult who gets to decide who share this with.