Grandparents don't seem to like my DC

The problem with having expectations is you're the only one who ends up getting hurt. They weren't interested before they DC came along (by your own admission) so as sad as it is, it can't be all that surprising that they're still not very interested now.

Yes Severe ASD is very very tough going and I would never have expected my parents to look after my son - if there are no other GC maybe it's unresolved grief as they will hear other grandparents talking about what their GC can do and say and so maybe it's easier to stay away.

I did expect them to just sort of get over it for a couple of times a year though

Yes. You'd think they would make a bit of an effort.

But they haven't, and you must be very upset about it.

I would stop trying, OP. The GPs don't deserve your lovely children.

I just hope that you and your DH won't be expected to give care to the older people, if they end up needing it.

But did you still visit?

Very sad, that must be so painful. Take care.
OP, as painful as it is, you need to save your emotional battery and stop asking.
Sending you strength

Then please don't bother

It will only make the hurt worse - and you don't need to expose your children to that in the future

I feel like it's a bit unfair to assume it's related to the disability if they never bothered before the kids came along either

Actually for full disclosure, a close relative had a child with severe ASD and once they got to about 2 or 3 my parents (and me, I was a teen) stopped offering to help etc because he was just really full on and they were in their 60’s and just couldn’t cope with him. They found it hard to connect with him because their go-to things to do with small children didn’t work (reading, brio, walks to the ducks etc). I feel bad about it now, but at the time I also didn’t want to have him to stay because he was such hard work.

Stop asking them. It sounds like they weren't intrested before the kids came along either. Let your DH handle the relationship

Do they understand and accept the disability ? I keep hoping attitudes will change but maybe the older generation still think they are just regular kids that you are 'spoiling' and 'bringing up badly' ? My parents were actually great in many ways with my severely disabled son but they never really understood it and were convinced I was getting anxious about nothing and it would all sort itself out

I’m sorry OP, it’s really hard. Sometimes there just isn’t the connection there between grandparents and grandchildren. I have seen this many times with friends who have children with disabilities. It can feel harder to engage, harder work etc and some of the expectations of grandparents have to be shelved. It’s very hurtful for the parents. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this.

It sounds like they've never really been interested, even before you had DC.

I think by inviting them and asking them all the time, you're just setting yourself up for upset. Just stop bothering.

If they think your lovely children aren’t good enough because they are disabled then you and them need to realise they aren’t good enough people to be grandparents.
My dad in law has been a useless grandparent and now he’s ill he’s full of regret but we have all moved on and we have fantastic lives - with people who deserve us.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Both sets being disinterested in your children is awful for you and the children - though for them, what they've never had they won't miss quite so much (I had a completely disinterested paternal grandad - he was widowed so I never even met my paternal grandma - and it only really occurred to me that we didn't see him when I was well into my teens).

Very upsetting for you, however. I would leave it - and to be honest, I'd want to go NC with them in your shoes.

Stop bothering.

Bear in mind that a lot of people of their age (and I mean women in particular) never consciously wanted to have children but it was the done thing.

Having raised their own, they are totally done and have no interest in children, whether it's their own or indeed their grandchildren.

They may not be interested in GC in general or the distance may make it less likely they can build a decent bond. Obviously it could be they are uncomfortable about disabilities (I’ve noticed this seems to be the case with some people, especially if it relates to learning disability).

It could also be as simple as they can’t be arsed with the racket and stress etc if DC are reacting with each other and they see this as “misbehaviour” instead of something you have no control over.

I wouldn't keep trying to arrange things. Just step back and leave them to it, save yourself any additional stress or upset.

I completely understand you encouraging them again and again to visit their GC - I would definitely have got to the stage of saying 'Tell me which dates work for you as I know you'll want to see GC'. Even if it does sound quite assertive, I would have done the same. Don't feel bad about that.

I'm really sorry that they are so rubbish. I can't understand why or how people can not be interested in their own grandchildren! It sounds like they were like this before your DC were born, and I don't have any advice except to say sorry!

You need to stop trying so hard, it's clear they're not interested, it's sad but nothing you can do about it.
I'm wondering if they are finding it hard to accept that your children have disabilities and therefore aren't the grandchildren they perhaps imagined they would have. I'm a grandparent and I presume they thought they'd be having the kind of easy loving relationship I'm lucky to have, no bad or difficult behaviour, weekends having them to stay, taking them places etc, loads of fun and affection.
But it didn't turn out like that for them so maybe they've decided to deal with their disappointment by avoiding seeing them. Maybe they thought that having grandchildren would be delightful as it so often is, but they don't like the noise, throwing things and not being able to connect that happens when they see theirs. Maybe they see being with your children as a stressful upsetting experience, rather than a relaxing fun one.
It may not be right, but I can understand it.

My in laws are totally uninterested in our kids and no SEN or anything. Just wrapped up their own lives (which are not busy!). Some people are just like that. If we go to their city they only want to have a cup of tea and make small talk and that'll do them for a year. No interest in the kids, or us! Been together 19 years and never even had a birthday card from them. We roll on . Their loss.

Then they're probably just trying to be wishy washy about it but realistically they don't want to visit. It's sad for your family but just stop wasting your energy on it/forcing it, its their prerogative if they don't want a relationship.

You can't change them, it's their choice. Stop trying as it only leads to continual heartbreak.

what happened before the babies came along? there's something you have not mentioned because i truely do not believe that your PIL simply have no interest in their sons DC?

I agree with everyone that it’s not uncommon. However do they have other grandchildren and if yes go they behave differently towards them? Are they interested in your DH and what does he say s as bout it? Some people are not very interested in grandkids especially if it involves traveling etc.