Grandparents don't seem to like my DC

I'm so sad for you all, what disappointing grandparents for you as well as your dc.

I've been tearful today as I feel like I have no one so I'd focus on your core family and I'd endeavour to never ask, offer or beg again. Hopefully your DC don't understand or realise but honestly it does sound rubbish all round. Even if they weren't that fussed before you'd hope they'd step up to offer support when you've been given children with extra needs.

Absolutely agree with this.

Actions speak louder than words, though x

I completely agree. From your second post OP you've basically said PIL especially were seemingly unbothered about contact/visiting/sharing your lives from the get go. To present it now as entirely because of the DCs needs is a big reach.

It honestly sounds like they've got an MO for their lives that suits them, it's how they've always been not a sudden change so YABU to expect a complete 180 just because "grandchildren" .

It's not how you want it but, their lives, their choice, you don't get to tell them how to be.

I think accept they are as they are and move on.

I think you need to stop forcing them to come and force them to have you over. I really don’t think it’s very helpful at all, on the contrary it’s quite an aggressive tactic that is bound to put people off.I would hate if family members told me they were coming to stay or asked me which dates I want to come to them if I hadn’t already made it known I wanted to do that. Definitely take a step back and see what happens. You can’t force relationships, even with family. It is a shame though but it’s their loss.

It really isn’t though. They are not interested and have lost nothing. OP has and should start to process that rather than trying to force something that just isn’t there.

But, they don’t want to see you. Why are you trying to force them?

What is preventing you from point blank asking them what the matter is? Cruel to treat g children this way, specially if the kids feel it too.

I agree step away. Don’t arrange and don’t contact. Send Xmas cards etc if you want to. Leave contact to their son.
I did exactly the same with two
children no disability, which I do think can make things harder from a friends experience, and the in-laws and actually as the kids have got older the in-law GP’s are pretty good now. Mine were always great though so kids never felt the lack of GP

IMO - do what works for you and your family. Invite them and be pleased they don’t reply. Less work for you.
Being parent of NT child can be lonely journey .. but perhaps not having to cater to whims of visiting in-laws during visit is a silver lining.
send them photos. Updates. Just keep them in the loop.
just you be you & let them Be them.

I'd go low contact with them, you are probably are now anyway. I'd stop all efforts to promote contact and refocus that energy at building a community closer to home, support groups and respite / specialist babysitters so you can regroup / have some downtime.

When speaking to your parents I would set expectations that you obviously can't meet any of their future needs as they grow older due to your responsibilities and suggest they plan for that.

It hurts, but I've found the above is the best way to move on.

Why do you still keep up with her?

I had my kids over 40 years ago. No disabilities, nothing. My ex in-laws weren’t remotely interested in them. In any way.🤷‍♀️

I just ignored their attitude. My parents were the loveliest grandparents ever. 👍. The kids didn’t miss out.

Some people just aren’t interested in their grandchildren.

No one related to the children is obliged to like or be interested in your them whether they are SN or not .However do respond to non bio people who do care and may help and are interested in you and your kids.Also whatever crap people spout about be kind etc many people prefer perfect kids who are ' normal' and that includes grandparents

Spot on

Yes we did. But visits were hard work. I mean, I am now an adult with my own children. I’ve visited lots of people with dc and people have visited me. It’s never as easy as pre children. But the additional needs was a barrier for my parents and for me at the time. (Just really didn’t know how to engage him/interact and he screamed a lot and was generally just very loud which my dad especially (father of fairly quiet children) found really hard. Actually even now, there are some things I find very difficult. Children who scream when playing (SN or not) is one. It wouldn’t stop me visiting and trying to form a bond with a relatives child. But I’d find it hard.

Lots of families just aren't that close.

OP says they barely had a relationship before the DC were born, so it's not like this behaviour is brand new.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why OP is sad, but I think sometimes it's best to just accept there's no interest and try and move on, rather than trying to flog a dead horse.

It's not though, is it? They're not interested so what have they lost? It's OP that has lost, her children have lost and it's really sad. More so because it's so against the 'norm', grandparents usually love and want to see their grandchildren. That's not the case here and OP's living that realisation every day.

It sounds like your DH's parents have no interest in him, so they're hardly likely to have any interest in your children.

Just leave it OP... don't bother... my ASD child has a non-existent relationship with my mother. My mother comes and visits other NT grandchildren 3 miles away and tells me how great it all was. If I want to see her, I have to go there. I usually go but don't make my child go if they don't want to go (they struggle with social situations).

Forget about them... surround yourself and your children with people who want to be part of your life.

But why wouldn't they want to support? That is the truly painful part

Fuck em it's their loss.