Grandparents don't seem to like my DC

The parents and in laws sound horrible. I would stop bothering.

How hurtful. Yes the best thing to do is stop trying and accept that they're not interested. I agree with a PP that it's best to do this while the children are still too young to notice the rejection. Better to essentially have no paternal GPs than have GPs who are visibly uninterested.

I’ve accepted that it’s all on me and there is no (unpaid) help coming from anywhere. My parents are interested in my daughter, but she is easy and fun to be around. They love photos of her in lovely clothes doing interesting things, on holiday or playing sports. She’s also very smart and you can have good conversations with her. Ie. To spend time with her is a pleasure and not hard work.

When her grandparents visit they expect to be waited on by me and entertained by her.There is no help and I’d never leave her alone with them. My mother won’t even make herself a cup of tea, let alone anything for my daughter.

I expect if I had a child or children with disabilities that they would be exactly the same as yours are. Please don’t take it to heart. I think a lot of grandparents aren’t up for anything difficult or challenging when it comes to their grandchildren (and of course there are some that are just wonderful too). So long as they feel special and loved by us they will be fine.

Do you want to adopt me as a grandparent? I'd love to be involved with mine but aren't x

My in laws are like this, although they have all of the time in the world for my children’s cousins. The day my youngest was born they actually drove past the hospital he was born in to go to their other grandchildren’s house and give them school uniform they had bought for them before coming to meet him. I was shocked at that. I used to get so upset about it and tried so hard as you are doing. I’ve got to a point now where I have gave up, not worth the upset and it is their loss at the end of the day. I know it’s rubbish and I’m lucky as my parents adore my kids as much as me. Sending love x

Not unreasonable no. People who don’t bother with us don’t get anything in return (including my own dad).

@BackForABit
I 'm just going to put this out there, but ignore if you feel it isn't relevant.

If your children, multiple, are both on the spectrum and ADHD, then maybe you should also consider where these difficulties arose?
Whether from your side of the family, your husband's, or both?

I have experience in my own family, multiple cases of ASD, adhd, spanning minimum of 3 generations. Could either of your in-laws be ND, but in such a way that neither they nor you have recognised it a such?
If your MIL is unknowingly autistic say, or ADHD, or both, possibly she just cannot cope with things?
It depends on the person but sometimes people on the spectrum are less able to deal with and be around others on the spectrum, than NT people. Because they require even more adaptability and the person is already using up what energy they have to get by day to day. This doesn't mean they love you any less though.

That is very sad, Waffle78. I can't imaging 'ditching' family members who've done nothing to deserve that.

The point I was making is that 'fuck them, their loss' is a trite and meaningless saying because if the person doesn't care a hoot in the first place, they will not be feeling a loss at all. If they feel anything, it will be relief that they're no longer being needled or expected to see/participate with people they don't care about.

It's the same thing when somebody says it about a boyfriend/girlfriend who's dumped you. What do they care? So saying 'It's their loss' is just a sop and I don't think it makes anybody feel better either because they know the truth.

I'm in that situation myself with 2 disabled now young adult children. My ex was a good dad to the daughter he had before our children. But she doesn't have disabilities.

So my children have aunts uncles a grandad I'm not even sure if he's still alive a sister and 8 cousins. But it's my fault apparently for taking my kids away from an alcoholic. I've sent them friend requests on Facebook and they ignored me. So yeah I say fuck em make an effort with the people who actually want to be in there.

I dunno, I don't think it's fair to judge the GPs too harshly. They're not ignoring your kids because of disability, you say they weren't around before they were born.

Sounds like they just don't want to have to deal with kids period. You can't automatically expect them to be interested - it might be they never even wanted to have kids of their own in the first place, as a PP said.

I think you need to look at this the way that you would any other relationship where the other person wasn’t interested in you.

Would you have continually chased after your DH if he didn’t want to spend time with you when you met him? Have you ever done that with female friends?

If not, then take the same approach to DH’s family and to your own.

If you are a bit of a chaser generally, and you are prepared to keep going after people who make if clear they don’t want to be around you or value you at all, then this is a good time to look at that and do some work on building your own self-esteem.

The situation is rubbish but it isn’t anything to do with you and your family, it reflects on the kind of people that your in laws are and the kind of person your mother is, and what personal values they hold and how they see family relationships, responsibilities and life in in general… there is nothing you can do about them.

But you can focus on being a good mother and wife and friend and really upholding your own values and treating people well.

The energy you are giving to these relatives, whether it’s mentally thinking about them, or practically when you make contact…call all of that energy back to you right now.

And keep it for DC and yourself and only people you choose to give it to. If you never hear from those others again, so be it. If they do contact you, give the minimum response out of courtesy. You will feel so much better once it’s done and you accept that there is no relationship there.

I think it’s this, they weren’t interested in their own kid before the DC came along either. There will be a fair few out there who sighed a breath of relief when they could just stop parenting.

Honestly though you need to stop. They aren’t interested and I honestly don’t think it’s personal. They are probably the kind of couple who if they had been born in a different time would be happily child free. Thats not anyones fault and they should step up to the plate because once you have kids you do usually love them even if you weren’t keen on the raising bit and you still feel interested but they are just on the extreme end. Nothing you do will make a difference and pursuing it will just reinforce the pain of their disinterest.

You say FIL’s wife. Are his parents divorced? Is his Mum still around and is she the same?

I am so sorry to read this. I've heard of grandparents struggling with diagnosis's but from the age your children are they should have come to terms with this by now. Also my parents are the kind to only come when invited but you have initiated the GP's coming! So sorry they are not being a source of support for you.

I think they are now just causing stress to you so you should leave contact down to them and stop contacting them.

I have a question it sounds like your dh is hurt by his parents. Do they have other children could it be he's not their fav son. Which is bad I know but some are like this

You go back for more as you are a nice person that’s trying to fix relationships 💐

If they have other gc? Do they like those gc?

My ex MIL was a bit like this. She'd go on about what an excellent grandmother she was but only ever saw the DC at my house for an hour at her convenience. As the DC got older they dreaded her coming. She showed zero interest in them at any other point. Never got in touch to see how exams, new schools, results day, interviews etc etc. she'd just rock up, talk about herself for an hour then tell everyone what a wonderful relationship she had with us all.

DC are grown up now and have very little to do with her.

You need to stop trying. They're not interested. Your DC don't need people like that in their lives and neither do you.

It sounds like your dh has accepted it more than you? Don’t do this to yourself. You have enough as it is.