Grandparents don't seem to like my DC

Many older people are just done with kids, in fact they may have been relieved for you to grow up before you had yours. It may be that your kids are more headaches than they like but unless you see them spending a lot of time with other kids it may just be they aren’t keen on children and glad to have moved past that stage in their lives. Don’t be sad. It’s their right to enjoy their “golden years” child free. I feel sorry for grandparents who are doing a lot of the work of raising grandchildren.

About the dates, it's a way of extending an invitation. And I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that GPs want to see their GCs.

Well I believe it as my in laws hardly visited my children. My son was six weeks old before they even came over to see him.They only lived 10 miles away. Strange really as they were the ones who always went on to us to start a family. Little did they know we had been trying two years and had problems but we got there in the end.

Stop engaging with them......stop inviting them and stop giving updates on your dc.

If they bother to ask why then tell them......because they aren't good enough people for your children to be around.

I'm so sorry, OP.
This is very distressing for you.

yes. The in-laws have never felt an instinctive bond with your children. Goodness knows why.

"Oh, we stopped doing Christmas with any relatives years ago. The pressure for the kids to be normal was enormous. We can't even have a Christmas tree at home due to damage DC cause"

OP - I think that it's very hard for people to like people who incessantly cause damage, even if children.
Parents' biological instinct of love pushes through that as it's stronger, but anybody else even other family doesn't have that so is much more objective.

So sorry OP this is heartbreaking. I agree with PP that you should stop trying because this consistent rejection is more painful than silence.

I’m sorry to hear this OP. I think there is a huge number of reasons why there are uninvolved GPs. I’m in that boat! Neither made a fuss on pregnancy.

Not much has changed since the start, both are happy to have us drive hours and visit but not come to ours (and we are 30 mins from mine and 1.5 hours from in-laws). No health problems on their end. There are no special texts, phone calls or interest in DD, DH and I - to ask how we are or can anyone help.

I find it weird and take what I can (paste a smile on my face when we visit). I know I will never be that uninterested in my DD’s children if she has any. I will be pretty obsessed actually!

I think you’re right. If you make any more efforts just to get rejected again you’ll just get hurt again. It’s a very sad situation but not of your own making.

So what’s the setup on Christmas Day?

Why do you keep trying to 'force' people to come and visit you? They're not interested. It's their loss, and as other posters have said, it works both ways if they ever want anything from you in the future!! You will be happier and more at peace without them. And better off, too!!

I don’t really speak to MIL anymore, and my life is much better.
Early-on, with my NDS who was 18 mos at the time, and not really challenging in daytime, she babysat (with FIL) him for 2-3 hours and said child had a seizure. (And that she wouldn’t be able to look after him again). He had no previous seizures, it was serious for us, she seemed not too bothered. Neither of us believed he really had a seizure, he at that time rolled back & forth which a typical would prob not do, but not a seizure! Never had one since but it was her excuse. (FIL treated him like any other kid which was great, but couldn’t alone babysit as had some mobility issues. ). MIL would visit, it was like the Queen coming for a state visit, so demanding and bossy. I think she resented the disability because it meant she wasn’t center of attention, “Look at me, Nanna visiting! “. Rather than offer any help, she would give me a lengthy list of things she required and available before arrival from cotton buds to “Martini” for 4pm. Daily errands for her whims, bring her “frock” shopping. Then outings to see Jazz & I would happily stay home.
When ND child was about 13, and siblings 10,8&6. . MIL told DP, that I should not have gone to have 3 more kids because “can’t handle it”. We wanted 4 kids!! And it’s been hard, but now 2 at Uni and other going well. Oldest, now living independent with care. (And MIL ooozing with pride over the one at elite Uni … what silly “can’t handle it” mum has child at elite Uni???)
DP resented her negative comments and many others and told me (he prob should not have), I just cannot tolerate her now. Luckily she lives long haul flight away and no longer doing big trips, but I just don’t need her in my life saying crap like that …
Honestly, there is certainly loss of connections & loneliness that comes with “special” parenting but for me, the silver lining, is dumping people that aren’t supportive & not feeling bad about it.

yes that's definitely true - no one understands unless it happens to them but It has happened to the GPs, they do have severely disabled grandchildren who are hard work not an endless source of sweet photographs but they will have to face up to it eventually

To be honest both sets of grandparents sound fairly disinterested period. You say your own grandparents were disinterested. There you go.
Sounds like parenting and grand parenting was just a side effect of having sex ( sorry to be blunt). It absolutely was expected for women to get married and have children, there is still an element of pressure today. Add your children’s disabilities in to the mix, plus the distance and there you go.
I agree in scaling back.
It isn’t uncommon. My ex in-laws only visited for their own benefit. They expected to be waited on hand and foot. Total nightmare looking back.
Their loss op.

OP, you mentioned this:

"my DC are really seriously disabled: non/minimally verbal, doubly incontinent, quite extreme behaviours "

Is it possible that the GPs aren't able to connect with your DCs at all.
And possibly don't enjoy being in their company?

In which case isn't it better than there's no meetings?

unfortunately, you just learn to live with it.
my grandad was always on about how I'd never have a boyfriend (because I dyed my hair unnatural colours. I dyed my blonde hair black) and he had very limited ideas of what was attractive. this was to the extent that when I got engaged, he sent a cheque to my more conventionally attractive cousin. because, obviously, I would never convince someone to marry me, because I was a goth, despite the fact I'd been in a solid relationship for nearly ten years.

my nan, every time I reached a good landmark, would change the subject to how well one of my younger cousins was doing, because she was either a manager or a supervisor of the shop she worked for. I never got that far, despite working in retail and being great at my job, because I'm my husbands care needs, and that always came first. eventually I had to stop working, and that made me a failure.

none of the grandparents ever really seemed proud of me anymore once I wasn't the only one. and once it was clear I was autistic and "weird"
it always felt like they were releived they got other, more normal grandchildren, and didn't have to pretend to like me anymore.

My IL started treating mine differently once SIL had kids. Maybe because it was their own daughter but their attitude to those kids made mine realise they would never be treated the same.

They don't bother seeing them now at all.

Oh that’s difficult 😞 the youngest of my children is autistic with a mild to moderate learning disability.
Grandparents on both sides liked to visit on occasion but had no idea what was involved on a day to day basis .
If I started to tell them they cut the conversation off .

I was often desperate for a break even though my youngest would be a lot easier to look after than your children .
I never did get a break so I feel for you I really do .