unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

If the appointment you were asking about was an u/s appointment then I think it would be reasonable for her to share the u/s images by way of response. I don't think she did anything wrong.

You want to be supportive despite you own fertility difficulties which is what friends do but maybe this experience shows there are some limits to what you can deal with at the moment and perhaps you need to adopt a more self protective approach for a while.

I'm sorry if I'm assuming, but others are suggesting that it's you who is struggling at the moment...if that's the case I am truly sorry.

Some advice - I regret the effort I went to at that time to be so happy for others at the expense of my own self-care.

I actually wish I'd pulled back a little, and not asked so much about the baby updates and been as hands on as I was once they were here. With distance and perspective, I can see I was just twisting the knife a bit deeper and it was all a bit masochistic, being "Perfect Aunty Perky" who was "so brave" and could be "so happy for all her mummy friends". I wish I'd said no to a few baby showers that I held back tears through only to throw up in the toilet afterwards.

I wish I'd told more than one friend to please not tell me that sometimes they hate their newborns so much they feel like strangling them when they've been screaming for hours because no, it doesn't make me feel "lucky" to be childless or that I'm "better off".

Or that sending a picture of a positive pregnancy test along with the message, "omg we're so fertile lmao, we've only had sex once all year!!!" to me the same week my long-term relationship that I hoped would lead to kids ended was a real dick move.

I went to so much effort to spare everyone elses' feelings and be so emotionally available to all the pregnant women and friends in the depths of the baby stage while swallowing all of my own emotions...and it made it all much worse. No one was looking out for me, but I was looking out for everyone else and putting on the happy face and being as kind and interested as is humanly possible.

It only got better for me when I withdrew from some friends for a bit, mourned, cried, wailed, raged in private...accepted a childless future. I actually had a nice-ish, childfree (as opposed to childless) time for a bit when I addressed the empty way I was feeling and looked at things to fill my life with that weren't kids but brought me even the tiniest bit of joy or peace. I'll admit, it changed some friendships...but it worked out in the end. The friendships that survived were the ones where we could have the difficult, "ugly", conversations.

Then there was this weird thing that happened, where it just didn't hurt as much. I got the distance I needed. So a scan pic was just a blurry, black and white blob. My heart and arms and body didn't ache when I held a newborn. A period was just a period again. Picking out tiny baby shower/newborn gifts didn't leave me sobbing in a heap. But it only happened because I started putting my own emotions before other peoples and being a bit more selfish.

And then it all finally happening much later than planned was actually a terrible shock and needed a whole new approach than I'd ever planned on because I'd grieved all of that and accepted I wouldn't be a mother. That's a whole other story. But prior to this the hormones had also calmed down, and that made a huge difference. Two years difference was quite literally like two totally different worlds/people. I'd cried all the tears, I'd felt all the bitterness...and I'd moved on.

This is my clumsy way of saying...it's ok to put you first. Don't feel you need to hold all these big emotions in, or feel guilty for having them. Time heals somewhat, either way (though I hope you get everything you want ultimately). It's ok to take a step back...real friends do understand (I promise). Look after yourself. Have a good cry if you have to. It does all eventually get easier.

I don't agree, sorry. She asked a question, not for a photo. What was she supposed to tell about the pregnancy from the photo other than it's literally still in place?

Like@PeachRose1986 says, there's something offhand about replying that way. I think most women of child bearing age who know the OP's story would have realised it took a lot to ask after the pregnancy and would have shown some tact in replying.

Not replying to @dreamer24 specifically

I don’t understand how in the world this is a nasty post!?

I don't think the ultrasound was necessary at all

A simple ''progress report'' would have been fine

She could share without the pictures

And how's your sensitivity bypass going?

👏

Completely missed the mark and thoughtless with it

Sorry but this.

I can't have children and suffered many losses but I still am happy for and celebrate my friends pregnancies. Them being pregnant isn't a slight at me, they haven't got pregnant to spite me. I want the best for my friends, I don't want friends to censor themselves around me. I was send a happy reply to a scan pic.

Yes, I feel its a bit insensitive but I don’t like it when people just send a photo with no accompanying text, anyway. Hard to describe but I find it lazy and kind of braggy. It’s as though they can’t actually be bothered to properly connect or find out how YOU are.

Rather insensitive but people share everything these days

Non pregnant friend was kind to ask despite own problems.

Pregnant friend was thoughtless. Would have been better to say, "Everything's going well. Would you like to see the scan?"

Even if non pregnant friend didn't feel able to say no, she would have had a chance to prepare herself. If looking at the scan would have been upsetting, she could have given the phone to her partner to delete it without her having to look at it.

I'm going to add that I think honest conversation is key - and assumptions about what someone might/might not want to know can be unhelpful. In our group one of the girls who is struggling with fertility was quite upset to feel her closest friend wasn't sharing details of her pregnancy with her. She understood close friend was trying to be sensitive - but actually felt she could compartmentalise and that her fertility problems had taken so much from her and now it was going to result in her growing distant from one of her closest friends because of an assumption she wouldn't want to know about the pregnancy.

I have experienced recurrent and late stage pregnancy loss so I know how difficult it can be to have pregnant friends and friends with babies.

However I think if you initiated the conversation your friend was under the assumption that you were caring and interested.

If you are not then I would refrain from asking in the future to protect your peace and wellbeing. It’s okay to be upset and you don’t need to pretend otherwise.

I know it everyone is like me but I had a series of miscarriages and had to go to work and serve pregnant clients. It never bothered me and had nothing to do with me.

That said, although we actively choose to have a kid it was kind of a tough decision, so I probably wasn't feeling as desperate about it as others.

Your example of the wedding anniversary is not quite the same, stickers. The equivalent scenario would be you sending such a photo of you and your husband in response to the question "how is your anniversary celebration going?" - I think you'd agree that would be normal. In the watch example, the equivalent question might be "purchased any nice watches lately?", in response to which, a photo of the watch would also be considered normal.

OP, your question to your friend, if I read you right, was "how did your pregnancy checkup go today?". Given the question, her response was fine, unless she was meant to know how triggering the photo would be to you. I would argue that if you knew you would be triggered by scan photo, then perhaps not ask the question, or couch it differently. Something like "hear it went well today, so pleased for you - when can we next catch up properly?"

I'm sorry for your miscarriages, OP. I have suffered two, and I remember the pain tainted by fear. I still don't think your friend was out of order. Maybe take a step back for the time being.

I would assume if they’ve asked then it’s fine to send a photo.

I think that IS insensitive. She could have said all was fine, without sending that.

I am someone who has experienced repeated miscarriage and if I had opened a conversation to my friend to check in on her pregnancy, I would fully expect my friend to discuss said pregnancy/share scans.

I may feel differently if I received a random scan photo message, but if I initiated the conversation, then how can my friend be blamed for responding in this way? Perhaps to avoid this in future, communicate that scans are something you find triggering however you would love to know how her general wellbeing is at the moment.

Lovely post @brightdazzling

It's no surprise that anxiety levels are climbing exponentially. Having to overthink every single interaction with every single person all the time like this. If you ask about a pregnancy, expect to receive an update about it, in this case a scan image. If you don't want the update, don't ask.
Will the new parents also have to think about who they can or can't share their happy news with, just in case it is upsetting for someone?
This seems like classic main character syndrome to me, expecting everyone around you to always put you (and I mean you in general) front and centre, rather than actually they just answered a question that was put to them.

I would find the news of a pregnancy potentially upsetting but not the ultrasound picture specifically. So if I was dealing with it well enough to reach out and ask how the pregnancy was going then I wouldn’t be upset by her sharing a scan photo and would want her to feel able to share her joy especially if she had had fertility issues in the past.

I can see from both perspectives here.

I think if you’re excited and pregnant you probably aren’t thinking fully about the impact of sending what should be an unremarkable ultrasound pic.
Also if you’ve never had a miscarriage you really can’t appreciate the extent of how horrendous it is.

ive had two miscarriages and I can say unsolicited ultrasounds pics are pretty shitty to receive BUT said friend can’t and won’t hopefully ever appreciate the awfulness of baby loss.

it really have to be taken as no one at fault x