unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

I have had a family member cut me off for being pregnant and then when she was pregnant she wanted everyone’s attention.

Ive also had a loss myself (ectopic pregnancy) at a time my two best friends were heavily pregnant and another friend had a new born. It’s difficult to be reminded but I was still happy and supportive of them. Unfortunately the world doesn’t stop and I think it’s really shitty to expect someone to hide their joy because you’re having a bad time. Perspective is needed.

Not all of us who have suffered infertility have suffered a miscarriage either,some of us have just never conceived, naturally or otherwise. I would certainly have found a scan photo triggering when the pain was still very raw.

Tommy’s ; General UK miscarriage statistics
An estimated 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. NHS actually quote 1 in 8. If someone if experiencing loss, infertility, secondary infertility - whatever it may be. I am sure an unsolicited pregnancy scan will be upsetting.

@PerkyMintDeer this is a really beautiful and honest post and made me think about some of my own dynamics and times when I'm being a little too cool girl in my friendships at the expense of how I really feel. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you're in a better place now.

Because the last U/S the non pregnant friend might have seen could have been the one confirming their baby had died or implantation never took place.

Or they might never have got to the scan pic stage, and longed to.

Not every scan is a happy experience and seeing them can bring up very real trauma in a way, "all good thanks, both doing well xx" just doesn't.

YANBU - I definitely wouldn’t do this as the pregnant friend of a person who’d suffered a MC. I’m sorry for your loss xx

Where did you get the 1 in 5 figure from? 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so most women will have one or two along the way to having their families. I can only think of a few women who I know definitely haven't had one. I don't think everyone who's had a miscarriage finds the scan photos upsetting though.

As tragic as your own personal circumstances are it's unreasonable to expect others to keep silent about their personal joy..

I think the ease of WhatsApp and the like means we share photos for everything these days, much more so in the past. When anyone has asked after a first day at school or a holiday or Christmas for example, I'd reply with a photo or two and a few words about how it was. And I don't really use social media, don't have insta or anything.

I think for many, an ultrasound photo is just the same as the above.

I feel like neither is unreasonable.

You're hurting after a recent loss- your friend should have realised that asking how things are going isn't quite tge same thing as soliciting a request for ultrasound pictures. She could have asked if you were ready to see something like that.

But I also think that it was always a risk that if you asked about her pregnancy, that ste might overshare or upset you. I think you need to put in boundaries about what you feel ready to hear, and hist be honest with her if you aren't ready to hear about her pregnancy.

A lot of people struggling with fertility report things like surprise baby announcements, Ultrasound pictures etc are triggering for them. So i don't think this is unusual or unreasonable at all.

Would have been to be a written reply, rather than the scan photo, especially as that may be both all the other person has to show for multiple attempts and a direct memory back to being told that they'd lost a(nother) baby.

Odd, how?

If someone asked me how an interview went, or how a party went, I wouldn’t send them a photo of the event necessarily so why is it any different for an ultrasound? The OP’s friend could have just replied, it went well, thanks. Or even ask the OP if she would like to see a photo before sending. So insensitive to send a photo when the OP is struggling.

I think sending baby ultrasound pictures to people unsolicited is fucking weird anyway to be honest, they all look the same. I have never understood why people think anyone outside immediate family would want to see these.

Sending unsolicited to someone known to have had pregnancy setbacks and infertility is borderline spiteful.

I'm a bit on the fence here op.

On one hand I've had miscarriages and I have friends who have also. We try to be sensitive to each other, both in terms of being supportive and excited when one has good news and also to be sensitive and caring towards each other when sharing any news.

But even with everyone trying their best, it's a minefield tbh. Everyone reacts differently and with the best will in the world, you can't always factor every possible trigger/reaction in.

In your case, unless your friend has form for being insensitive I'd maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. She didn't send it to you out the blue, she sent it as part of a reply to your message, specifically asking how the pregnancy was going. Maybe she got excited, maybe she had shown others and after you asked, she thought it would be ok. Maybe she didn't want you to think she'd shown others but not you? (Sounds weird but that actually happened in my group once, see my first statement of not being able to predict people!)

I'm sorry you found it triggering. I hope you're ok xx

Agreed

No it isn't. Nobody needs to see an ultrasound unless they've expressly asked.
Checking on someone doesn't suggest you want to literally see their x rays.

Never understand why people feel the need to share pregnancy scans. It can be upsetting for many people (1 in 5 infact) a simple ‘yes pregnancy is going well’ is enough, everyone will see baby when it’s born.

@Waterboatlass offhand is exactly the word I was grappling for!

You don’t send a photo or a text full of details when you’re replying to someone who’s had a loss - you just say you’re doing well/ok and thank them for asking. If the person replies and says tell me how xx went, then you can go further. It’s all about remembering that others are having a hard time and being sensitive.

YANBU!!!!

I cannot stand baby ultrasounds photos. why do people think is interesting for the recipient? Really these scans are for you, your husband and maybe your close family if they ask.

I’m now pregnant after IVF and had similar issues when IVF was particularly tough with one friend who kept sending every single scan she had to the group chat, it wasn’t a watsapp group chat so I couldn’t even mute it. She wouldn’t ask how any of us were doing she would just send the scans. Then when she had the baby, she bombarded the chat with unsolicited baby photos, breastfeeding problems and general new mum complaints. All the while not asking me how IVF was going or asking me anything else that was happening in my life.

It’s utterly tasteless. I haven’t sent anyone my scan photos apart from family members who asked.

If you ask someone how a scan appointment went then it's perfectly normal to get a scan photo in reply. In fact I'd say its odd if you didn't get one back.

Especially if it's a close friend who knows that otherwise all is well, there's not much else to say is there.

Agreed. OP, I’ve been where you are - only in my case the photos were shown to me face to face - or about to be - my DH had the sense to realise I would be upset and he looked at me while he was holding them and I shook my head and he passed them back. Nothing was said - but I never showed/sent mine to anyone unless they asked to see them.

I hope it works out for you -and your friend realises that she should have said she was doing well and thanked you for asking, not sent the photos.

You (?) literally asked, they sent you an update. They weren't to know an ultrasound photo would be particularly triggering to you, or more triggering than a general conversation about it. People can't psychically guess your triggers if you don't inform them. You can't help being triggered but yabu to blame your friend for it.

(If you are not the you in this story, consider it a generic you)