unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

They’re not reply unsolicited in a situation where the non-pregnant friend has specifically asked how the pregnancy is going, especially if they talk frequently enough that she knew it was a scan appointment. If I ask somebody who is pregnant how their scan went I would expect that, had it gone well, they would probably share the picture. If you don’t want to see it either don’t ask for updates, or be clear before asking that you would find the photo triggering and would prefer it wasn’t shared.

If they've been asked about an appointment or how the pregnancy going then I would see that as permission for her to share her latest update/scan photo as she would anyone else. I understand they can be a trigger but they were asked and probably assumed the friend wanted the usual standard update.

I get it though and assuming you're the triggered friend I'm sorry this sucks and do allow yourself the hard "ugly" feelings if needed.

We struggled with infertility. Now luckily have children.

I do remember finding other people’s baby news upsetting. But that was my problem to deal with, not to expect the whole world to keep quiet about their baby excitement.

If the OP had asked their friends not to share ultrasound pictures and they carried on doing it then they’d be unreasonable. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case - in fact they asked about the pregnancy.

I don't think anyone is unreasonable in this scenario op. Your feelings are completely understandable and valid. Her excitement and desire to include you as someone she cares about is also understandable and valid. I think it's difficult as you've specifically asked her how things regarding her pregnancy are going and I'm guessing this was because you knew she'd had a recent scan. I think if you're asking about that then it's not unreasonable for her to think you want to be treated like anyone else and therefore she's sent you the same image she's likely sent others. I think given that your friend has also had struggles and obviously you're working hard to maintain the friendship, that it would be OK to mention to her some boundaries. Maybe you could say to her that you're really happy and you want to hear how she's getting on but you find the visual images difficult.

It's very hard op and I commend you for how you're navigating this, I'm sure it's painful. I've lost very good friends due to infertility when I became pregnant (fully understand why they needed to take a step back) and it's sad when you end up losing people over it all.. so if you have a need or a boundary I imagine your friend would rather you share it with them so they can work around it than lose you completely.

I personally don’t think your friend was being insensitive, you asked how the pregnancy was, so I think her response was quite adequate. I guess she assumed that you being okay to ask her about it, you’re okay to hear about it, and I bet she just didn’t think her photo would be triggering.

I think that as you asked, she probably thought you were ok to see the scan photo. If she's a good and caring friend usually, then don't think bad of her.

If she's usually an arse and uncaring, then don't have her as a friend.

It was hardly unsolicited when you asked your friend how the pregnancy was going.

I’m sorry that you have experienced a loss, but if you’re checking in with her at every stage, you’re signalling that you’re ok with her pregnancy. You’re clearly not, and that’s absolutely to be expected!
I think perhaps you’re unintentionally sending her mixed messages. Maybe put some distance between both of you for a while. Take care of yourself xx

Asking after the friend who is pregnant can be quite different from wanting details of the pregnancy or baby.

She could have easily replied with how she was well, what she was doing or even that she'd had the scan without sending an unexpected image.

The non pregnant friend with the fertility issues and loss (assume miscarriage?) was doing a nice thing to ask the pregnant friend how she was doing.

I think it was unnecessary for the pregnant friend to send the ultrasound picture and I can see why she was upset. It was a bit thoughtless.

I disagree, OP asked, replying with a photo is a ‘normal’ thing to do.

I’m sorry it was upsetting but if you initiate the conversation these things will happen.

I say this as someone who has never been able to get pregnant and never will now.

I think in the circumstances you describe, it's fine, as the friend did ask about the baby and how the pregnancy was going.

If non pregnant friend didn’t want to know anything she could have just not asked

Why? The OP literally asked the pregnant friend how it was going and the friend replied with the photo - like a friend would.

If the OP doesn’t want to hear about the pregnancy (perfectly understandable) she shouldn’t text her friend and ask about it.

The poor friend was sharing exciting and happy news with someone she cares about who asked in the first place. She deserves a nice response, not OP pulling back from her.

I have experienced multiple miscarriages but I don’t take my hurt out on my friends. Especially those I started the conversation with.

OP, I understand that her pregnancy is distressing you, so don’t start text conversations about it if you don’t want to hear.

I think because the non pregnant friend asked about the pregnancy it was pretty natural for the pregnant friend to send the photos.

As you asked for an update I don't think it's awful she shared the photo it's quite a typical response. If she was really empathetic she would have checked first but she doesn't understand the impact. I say that as someone who has had fertility problems and finds photos a bit triggering. People who haven't been through it can't relate fully and she probably waited till you asked as she wasn't sure what to do. Don't lose a friendship over it

Normal if you are specifically asked about baby stuff, not normal to do it outside this context.

Come on! You asked and it's normal to send a pic (though I didn't think anyone would be interested in an ultrasound so never shared that). She probably wouldn't have shared it if you hadn't specifically asked her how it was going.

I would never send a scan photo to a friend who lost their baby. I don't understand why people feel the need to do this, but maybe I was just as thoughtless before I'd ever lost a pregnancy?
Of course it's upsetting.

No because the friend asked after the baby, so totally normal

You are not at all unreasonable, and anyone who says otherwise has absolutely no idea how painful infertility and pregnancy loss is. for you and I hope you have some supportive and understanding people around you

What a nasty post.