unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

If you weren’t even aware yourself that you would find a scan photo triggering, it seems pretty unreasonable to expect your friend to have known that?

To people who find scan photos triggering, does this also apply to pictures of the new baby once born? Or is is quite specific to the medical nature of a scan picture?

Another shout out for Stickersandglitter's thoughtful and considerate post

I wouldn't to see these photos either, there's not really a need. In the 'old days', you had a physical photo and you would gauge the countenance of a friend in person and show or not show them.

To me unsolicited is a surprise text including pic or announcement including pic on facebook. A scan pic in response to non pregnant friend asking sugfests she is open to pregnancy chat/news.

Even if pregnant friend asked "would you like to see scan pic?" It would be awkward to say no.

Yes - just sending the picture makes it seem like pregnant friend couldn’t be arsed to write anything.

I think it's really odd just to send the scan picture. The more normal thing to do would be to reply "really good thanks for asking, we had the scan last week and everything is well". Then wait to be asked for the photo.

It's so insensitive to just send the picture.

I've had five losses in pregnancy and while I tried hard to enquire about friends' pregnancies I would have been so upset to be sent a picture. The friend in the OP is very insensitive in my opinion and shows a huge lack of awareness.

This. The OP hasn't done anything wrong, of course, but neither has the friend.

I’e suffered from infertility but never got pregnant, I did find them triggering when they were shoved under my nose without warning at work. I think the pregnant friend was being a bit thoughtless. Non pregnant friend did not ask to see her scan photo, she wanted to know how she was.

I vote YABU but I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset or triggered by it but I do think you are a little bit unreasonable to have not communicated your own boundaries to your friend.

It's your responsibility to communicate your boundaries, and nobody else will know how you are processing your grief. It's not their job to be mind readers.

I think it's reasonable of your friend to assume if you're talking about it that you're ready to enter back into those sorts of discussions and your friend was obviously excited to share their news to you after you opened up that communication.

If she's a good friend I think you should say you didn't realise how you're not quite ready to talk about baby things just yet and the scan pictures were really bittersweet for you but you need more time to process your own loss before talking about baby things going forward.

“We did thank you! We went for a spa day and a lovely dinner, thanks for asking. More importantly how are you doing?”

Genuinely that’s what I would reply as I’ve done before.

But what if your recently separated friend said "Oh it's your tenth anniversary isn't it? Did you do anything nice?"

I've suffered from infertility and experienced losses, some of which I found out about at a scan. But it has never stopped me from being happy for pregnant friends, their healthy baby makes no difference to my own situation and I would never be bitter about it and I have never felt triggered by scan photos.

Well said

No, I refuse to pander to the over sensitive brigade.They can either shout up or shut up.

There's a difference between being a mind reader and putting some thought into how the picture will be received

I think if you specifically ask a pregnant woman how she's doing, and check in with her after a scan then that's a signal that you're OK with hearing the details and not easily triggered.

It's not obvious (to me at least) that it's OK for her to talk about the pregnancy at length but scans are a step too far.

Im with you OP.

Surely there’s an in between. I think you can be a good friend and ask how it went even though it’s painful for you and the other person can be more thoughtful and just answered “all great thanks for asking” without sending a photo.

I have a better financial situation that some friends who are struggling and I would never send them a photo of a the recent expensive watch I bought when they ask me how is it going.

I wouldn’t send a photo of me and my husband celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary to a recently divorced friend.

I wouldn’t tiptoe around them but I would be very thoughtful of how I reply.

I suffered from recurrent miscarriages and I always appreciated when my friends were thoughtful with me.

I think there are different levels of information you can share depending of who you are talking to. It is really not that complicated.

The pregnant friend isn’t a mind reader and I think it’s unfair to then label them as insensitive when you contacted her to ask about her pregnancy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

sounds perfectly normal and reasonable to me. the none pregnant friend opened the communication by asking, and i believe a normal response would be to send an ultra-sound?

No, a normal response from a friend who is not completely self-absorbed, to a friend who they know has had problems conceiving/carrying, would be to say. ‘All’s going well, thanks. Had the first scan the other day. How are you?’

YANBU to be upset. The friend is probably well meaning but was inconsiderate to share it.

I think lots of the people replying YABU won't realise how upsetting your scan will have been in your pregnancy. I've lost pregnancies and when I see an ultrasound I think about the scans I've had where I've seen my baby with no heartbeat. It's a traumatic experience and it's not OTT to describe this as triggering.

No to the triggering but do find it odd that mums to be think anyone has the slightest interest in their ultrasound picture.

Not unreasonable at all. I am surprised at the voting. Asking after a pregnancy is not the same as asking for an ultrasound picture.

I am fortunate to have 3 children. But I also had at 6 confirmed pregnancy losses between DC1 and DC3. 4 of these were missed miscarriages; 3 detected at 12 weeks and one at 16 weeks at an ultrasound appointment. The last of my losses was over 14 years ago. Even now looking at a scan photo brings a bit of knot to my stomach and a lump to my throat. Obviously I do look politely and say the right thing. But I’d prefer it if I was not shown them. For those for whom the losses are more recent than mine it must be really challenging. I sympathise hugely.