How would you parent this situation?

The child needs some Calpol for the headache and boundaries set re her behaviour.Too much gentle parenting without boundaries set is useless.My Mum always sat my siblings down before family outings and explained what type of behaviour was expected.

This sounds like me. And I couldn't understand why I would make a fuss when we went out for a family treat. I didn't want to make a fuss and spoil the trip out. I wanted to enjoy it. But it was a pattern in my behaviour that I didn't understand and didn't know how to control, until I was diagnosed with Autism & ADHD. My friend's 11 year old daughter is currently going through an assessment too, as she's also similar to this. So if your daughter was looking forward to going to the festival, but is now headachy and reluctant to leave the tent, then there is something going on. Perhaps sit quietly with her and ask her if she wants to talk about it, if she doesn't maybe just give her a bit of space, but keep an eye on her, or if you have a book, you could read until your husband comes back with your son and then maybe switch and you go out and have fun too. It could be that she was excited at the idea of the festival, but it's different to how she had imagined it, or more crowded, and she could be feeling overwhelmed.
When my mum took me on a mother daughter trip to the Lake District. The first day, I got upset by a bag falling on me when the bus stopped. Then the boat guy was smoking, so I refused to go on the boat trip, so my mother went on the boat trip, and I sat it out at the back of the parked bus, listening to music on my earphones. I missed out on the lake trip, but I enjoyed visiting the castles (gift shops) on the other couple of days.
Of course I don't know what your daughter is like usually, but if it's usually when you go out, that she "spoils it". It might be an overwhelming / out of her comfort zone experience. And she might be confused by her own behaviour too.
But that's just how I see it, when I compare it with my own similar behaviour as a child and teen etc.
xx

I agree I have had that when DS was suffering from school anxiety and in answer to the question he is a 5ft 8 180lb 11 year old no I cannot physically force him to do anything

lots of discussion and compromise has garnered results but that involves letting him have a voice

So what do you suggest when OP says that they are going and DD says no? Drag her by her hair? She can (and should) enforce consequences later, but it doesn't solve the problem in the moment. Your comment reads like you've never dealt with a strong-willed child.

Why does she think she has an option? The tail doesn't wag the dog. She has to follow you all to the festival sick. If you believe she is faking then why are you entertaining it?

I suspect the festival has long ended but I encourage you now to take charge for the next time she thinks she is in charge.

She is doing what children her age do...sounds harsh but you are not doing what you are meant to be doing. They misbehave and we manage that behaviour.

Someone told me that we give children choices from our options. If they refuse to pick one of the options we provide then there are consequences.

You will see it get so much easier when you realise that you and your husband are in charge and the children must do everything you tell them. I assume you are only telling to do the things that will help them develop into well rounded adults.

Sounds like u didn’t put boundaries in place and now r paying the price, God help u when she is a teenager.

Take phone (or other entertainment devices) off her, and start to pack up.
Keep phone/whatever for at least a week when you get home.

Go somewhere else?

Did it differ from the usual on TV? To a child - maybe coming up to puberty - their imaginations run riot and they imagine a festival to be like some on TV, where you only see the good bits.

She may be afraid to use the public toilets. Perhaps she would have felt better with something from TENA?

She may have seen something which frightened her, but not you?

Why assume it always about feelings and mental health needs? Because it's not!

I can't understand many of these replies.. she's a ten year old, why are so many assuming her main aim in life is to be lazy and difficult just for the sake of it. Maybe she is being lazy and difficult in this case (or maybe something else is wrong) - but I'm pretty certain that lazy and difficult is not what she's setting out to be on purpose .

Don't punish her don't threaten her - talk to her , more importantly listen to her, try to understand her and then if still appropriate set a clear boundary - if she really has to go out with everyone, and there is no reasonable way around it - then she has to. She is allowed to feel how she does about that, that's her to work through (if she's grumpy and quiet, refuses to look up etc that's okay, as long as she isn't hurting anyone) As an adult you have to manage your feelings and accept hers are hers and you can't control them and force her to enjoy herself.

If she physically refuses to get up when you draw your boundary then I think you need to go back and work with her on this - but punishments and threats aren't the way to fix that - building a relationship of trust and mutual respect is better. Id probably cut my losses on the festival in this case and spend some one on one time with her to get to the bottom of what's going on and leave my husband to deal with the toddler..

The opposite. If you assume your child is a good person and not trying to be difficult but is finding something difficult and you care enough to work out what it is, you are raising a child who won't succumb to anxiety as they will learn to understand their emotions and find strategies for dealing with them. Assuming a child is difficult and should just do as they are told is more likely to cause long term problems.

What's OP meant to do with her two year old on a family trip 🙄

Leave her in the tent, pop back after 30 mins, leave again for longer.. keep popping back making time interval longer.
Take her phone off her if she has one. If she wants to behave like a sick person, treat her as one.

Take her headache seriously, follow up with drs appointment when you get home. If GP says she's ok, have discussion about why she feins illness. when she wants to get her own way.
Tell her all about the things you did that she missed.
Next to time you plan a holiday, plan how you would deal with is situation again.Make it clear before you go that you won't tolerate her spoiling your holiday again.

Yes this is holidays with kids I’m afraid. I have 3 that don’t like to use their legs and get tired the instant they are expected to move anywhere. But all 3 love sports, pe and anything that isn’t walking. I sometimes wonder what the hell is going on with my DCs as they just seem to have zero energy, until they want something that is!

All you can do is plan ahead, think distances and how tired the DCs can/will get.
Try and prepare for distances, my DDs won’t walk but would scoot or roller skate.
Either clump or spread activities out depending on distances
Bring back up activities, my DCs love a good game of Gin, it’s our caravan go to card game.
Dont take things personally!
Prep DCs on what’s involved, include them in planning and reinforce constantly they choose this.
Probably not a popular opinion but guilt, I have no problem putting guilt on my DCs where money is concerned. I will even tell them that I am not wasting my money if they miss a prepaid activity, it will come out of their money. And stick to it. My DCs (12, 10 & 7) opted for an event this summer that meant we couldn’t go on holiday. I made sure they all understood the costs involved before booking and what they would be missing out on to pay for it. They all accepted and didn’t ask for things knowing they had made their decision.
Also make them learn that the whole trip isn’t about them, it’s a family holiday and that means doing things they don’t like at times because as a family everyone gets their turn at picking activities and choosing what to do and everyone has to respect that.

I think this time I’d let things slide with a serious conversation after the holiday. I’d be letting her know you choose this for her but her behaviour wasn’t very appreciative. Going forward she will have to learn to do things as a family, especially as her sibling gets older and especially if they have different interests. If my just turned 7yo gets this a 10yo can. Keep repeating the rules and they will stick.

Dear god I had to stop reading all these gentle parenting posts. She’s 10 , she does what she told. Only you know if she is ill.
Buckle up and tell her what’s happening or be prepared for years of similar behaviour.
Cant believe the amount of tosh on here.
no wonder we have the term snowflakes now

I think Shambala was on this weekend. It’s a festival aimed at families.

I'm willing to bet OP has tried all the suggestions of asking what's wrong, if she's worried, what she's worried about, what she'd like to do instead, how she can help her feel better or more comfortable but has had no sensible answer so is now frustrated, and rightly so! No, we shouldn't force children to do things they don't want to, but at the same time, when you've spent a considerable amount of money booking things your child wants to do at their own request, there has to be a point where they have to meet you halfway!

When my 9 year old does this, its coz shes ill or anxious.

Listen to her and respect her. Allowing her to feel heard will be a better strategy long term than punishing her today. She's a person too, and how would you feel if you were made to do something when you felt under the weather?

Many of the posters here are just plain mean. The "just go home" response is not a recipe for success for a long term positive relationship as you move into rockier years ahead.

My pick is she is overwhelmed, worried about how she should act or dress or what is going to happen and now wishes she was at home.

In your shoes I would take it step by step. I would talk to her about one thing which is focussed, short and least threatening (eg going to get some food that can be taken back to the tent) and ask if she wants to do that. She may build up from there, she may not. If she does not want to do anything, I would take turns with my husband to enjoy the festival, with each person relaying to the other what they saw and enjoyed so she hears a bit about it and possibly want to participate.

You can explain in a calm way that you are disappointed, and that her not wanting to leave the tent means that one of you has to stay with her so her choices are affecting others. Then identify one specific thing she could do. If she does not want to do anything, ask her to do something else with you - play cards, play an online game, watch you tube videos. Something together. But don't treat her as the enemy trying to ruin your life. She is a child, trying to work out this crazy world. You need to help her navigate how to do that, and picking her up in a huff and taking her home is probably not the answer.

Don't pressure her to do things just because you paid for them. We have all been in situations where we wanted to do something and it turned out to be overwhelming or not what we actually thought it would be. She needs to learn to handle that, and the feelings of perhaps anger, guilt and frustration that go along with it. Most importantly, she needs to feel that she does not have to do things just because someone is pressuring her to.

Can you take her to somebody to care for, and then return to the gig? Or you take her home, and pick up son and husband at the of the gig.

It sounds like she might be feeling overwhelmed with the crowds of people? Anxiety setting in? Don’t be so harsh on her rememeber those parents who would force their child ‘to have fun’ don’t be one of them something could be going on with her not just being ‘moody’

I’m glad to see some sympathetic responses here. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that she’s just being annoying for the sake of it. (And she might not even know exactly why). I remember my daughter at similar age saying ‘I’m angry all the time mum, I don’t understand why I’m angry all the time!’ Well before her periods arrived but obviously part of the onset of puberty.

Puberty kicking in. You roll with it, unfortunately. She wanted to come to this festival but now she is being awkward. Clear boundaries needed and clear expectations. When not fulfilled sensible sanctions. In present situation I would hope I'd pack up and go home. Suggest you do.