Spending time with difficult DM

28 replies

crazypiglady · 25/08/2024 09:27

DM used to pick DC up from school 1 day a week & occasionally babysit for a few hours in the evening (perhaps once or twice a year). Youngest will be going up to high school in Sept & DM has made the point a few times that she is ‘no longer needed’. She is widowed but has a long term, off/on partner & has a good group of friends around her. I have a difficult relationship with her (of which she’s unaware!) as she has no boundaries at all & can be toxic when her mental health is bad (comments about my weight, often brings up incidents from my childhood which was difficult due to abuse). I have learned to put a shield up while recognising that 9 times out of 10 I will feel bad after seeing her & will have to spend time locking my wounds, self-care etc. I don’t want her to feel redundant now she’s not picking my kids up from school & to show I’m grateful for the years she has done that for. I work part time & am thinking of spending a morning or day with her a week when eldest goes to high school. I know I will find this draining & difficult, but I feel like I owe it to her. What should I do?

OP posts:

Redlettuce · 25/08/2024 09:41

What about meeting for coffee every couple of weeks so it's only a couple of hours. If you meet too often it could backfire as you will end up needing to take complete break.

Royalshyness · 25/08/2024 09:38

I am sadly estranged from mine at the moment. Dm suffers badly with mental health and I had a difficult childhood so I understand (eg I would come home from school and she would scream at me I smelled of drink to the point I would cry - I literally did nothing but go to school and was well behaved) then she would say (when I looked for my first sat job that someone with Down Syndrome worked there so I might have a chance. When I got my degree and masters, she made a scene she was sick at the graduation. She arrived late ans loud at my hen as she was in A&E (later turned out to be constipated).

that type of thing .. every time I go home I get dirty looks and horrible comments. She would go out with me and get the kids a treat and I would have to get up and get my own despite maybe giving her a voucher for 100 Pound the week before. It was all forms of punishment.

so I get it

i used try and treat her and give her things so she would be ok with me that day

I don’t think you need to commit to one morning a week at all here .. no way

i know she was good to you with childcare but it’s going to ruin your day one day a week

eish · 25/08/2024 09:31

No, you don’t have to do that. Do it once a month and see how it works for you. I’d find that too much and don’t feel drained by my parent. I think you are trying to be too much of a people pleaser. Look after yourself first.

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